Venting Struggling with trauma from past attempts and my recent attempt.

[Upon a hanging Body]

I keep getting flashes of memories dealing with the pain and confusion I felt for when I was dying.
It's hard knowing that in the end it's what I want but I can't help but to feel fear for what I know will happen to me when I do do it.
58 attempts is embarrassing... I know it is. I just wish someone else would do the job for me.

 

[Firefly.Forest]

I keep getting flashes of memories dealing with the pain and confusion I felt for when I was dying.
It's hard knowing that in the end it's what I want but I can't help but to feel fear for what I know will happen to me when I do do it.
58 attempts is embarrassing... I know it is. I just wish someone else would do the job for me.

So sorry for all that you are going through - please know that many are thinking of you.
Yes, I have also had that feeling wishing someone would do the job for me.
I would not want to traumatize or incriminate anyone. Like many here, just need the suffering to stop.