Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 202
I'm not particularly upset with that fact. I don't really care for myself knowing that I probably won't have a future. I say probably because I could always change my mind or fail, but I'm 99% sure I'm going to go through it.
What I'm more bothered by is the fact that everyone else is starting to notice, I think. Or at least get annoyed/frustrated with it. It's hard to keep up the appearance that I am planning on staying alive until my "natural death" when I just don't care. But I recognize that the actions I take and behavior I display will come with consequences that may stop me from being able to successfully ctb. If I get people too worried, I might get thrown in the psychward.
To be fair, I wasn't particularly taking care of myself before my decision either due to immense dysphoria and depression. But I suppose my behavior has changed, my boyfriend was able to tell as I've been more reclusive and less social. Fortunately, my family and other people in my life haven't really noticed my lack of planning for the future or connected it to the fact I'm suicidal. I've stopped talking about anything mental health related and if I'm asked, I usually make white lies to appear better than I am.
I'm paranoid, but I don't have enough motivation to act like a person who knows and wants to have a life ahead of them. Anyone else feel like this?
What I'm more bothered by is the fact that everyone else is starting to notice, I think. Or at least get annoyed/frustrated with it. It's hard to keep up the appearance that I am planning on staying alive until my "natural death" when I just don't care. But I recognize that the actions I take and behavior I display will come with consequences that may stop me from being able to successfully ctb. If I get people too worried, I might get thrown in the psychward.
To be fair, I wasn't particularly taking care of myself before my decision either due to immense dysphoria and depression. But I suppose my behavior has changed, my boyfriend was able to tell as I've been more reclusive and less social. Fortunately, my family and other people in my life haven't really noticed my lack of planning for the future or connected it to the fact I'm suicidal. I've stopped talking about anything mental health related and if I'm asked, I usually make white lies to appear better than I am.
I'm paranoid, but I don't have enough motivation to act like a person who knows and wants to have a life ahead of them. Anyone else feel like this?
