Venting Spent $700 on pixels. First thought: I should kill myself

[3FailedAttemptss]

I spent $700 on a mobile game and now I want to kill myself. Schizophrenia is eating me alive. I'm 24. I have undifferentiated schizophrenia. I'm supposed to be admitted to a psychiatric ward tomorrow but I keep delaying it because I don't want to go.

Tonight I impulsively spent over $700 on gacha pulls in a video game. I didn't even realize how much I was spending until I added it up. And my first thought wasn't "that was stupid." My first thought was that I should kill myself, I should ingest my SN. That's the thing about being this ill. It doesn't matter what happens- good, bad, mundane. Everything leads to the same place. I dropped my phone last week and wanted to die. I got a fine on the train and wanted to die. A video game event was sold out and I wanted to die. Now I blew a stupid amount of money and I want to die. Even spending time with the person I care about most somehow loops back to wanting to die. The good things push me there too, just in a different way.

I have SN at home and a plan. I have people in my life who care about me. I just started a DBT program, I'm two sessions into the commitment phase, working on a crisis plan and a three-month no-suicide contract. I have a bachelor's project coming up. On paper, things are looking up. But I can't feel any of it. The anhedonia is so thick that nothing gets through. The only thing that consistently generates any feeling is the desire to end it.

I'm going to the ward tomorrow. I don't want to go. But I know I need to.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I am so sorry, my dear. Sadly, I can equate with everything you wrote. It's like, no matter what happens, the thought loops back to, "Just kill yourself and get it over with". Even if I'm not actively telling myself to do it, the thought is, "Well, you can always just check out if this goes wrong".

And you're so right, the anhedonia is awful.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

I spent $700 on a mobile game and now I want to kill myself. Schizophrenia is eating me alive. I'm 24. I have undifferentiated schizophrenia. I'm supposed to be admitted to a psychiatric ward tomorrow but I keep delaying it because I don't want to go.

I've done the same sort of thing myself. I blew a $1,000 bonus check on sealed boxes of Fallen Empires (MtG), which later became almost worthless. The emotional impact was not as severe for me then, as what you describe, but I obviously am still holding that grudge.

I'm going to the ward tomorrow. I don't want to go. But I know I need to.

Making the decision to get help is almost never the wrong answer, but it can be the hardest thing in your life to do (much harder than blowing $700 on pixels). I hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Please don't hurt yourself. The person you see in the mirror needs your compassion.

 

[aufrechtm7]

This isn't legal/ethical advice, but you could probably issue a chargeback at the likely cost of your account in that game being deleted.