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thaelyana

thaelyana

peace, love
Jun 28, 2025
103
Good evening. It's 1:50 a.m. in France.

Every night, when I'm lying in my miserable bed or sitting on the couch in my miserable living room, I realize just how empty and useless I feel. I stare at the dark wall and breathe aimlessly, music playing in my ears.
This feeling — this growing sense that I'm worthless — only gets stronger with time. I feel like I serve no purpose. I have nothing. I am nothing. And I hate my life.
There's this constant emptiness inside me that never leaves, no matter where I am or who I'm with. It's a weight I carry without pause.

I feel pathetic. I'm not even really living, and yet I still somehow want to die.
I've felt this way for five years, since I was 13. I'm 18 now.
Five years of emptiness. Sometimes things seem to get better, but it never lasts.

Constantly, I feel like I'm slowly drowning — like my body is being crushed, like I'm holding my breath endlessly and will never be able to breathe out. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I try to get better, but nothing changes. Nothing feels right.

Sometimes. Often. All the time — the thought of ending it crosses my mind. But I'm scared. Scared I'll fail, scared I'll survive and disappoint everyone.
That fear keeps me here. So I stay trapped in a life I didn't choose.
Sometimes I think about ways to go, but I have nothing — no SN, no time alone at home to hang myself. Nothing.
And deep down, I think what I really want is help.

I'm holding on because I don't have another choice. But it's hard…
I'm ashamed to write all of this. My life feels like a desert. I'm alone, with no friends, and everything feels stuck. I'm bored, I'm in pain, and I don't know how to escape it.
It's like I'm watching someone live a shitty life from the outside — like I'm just a spectator watching someone try to give meaning to something that has none.

On the day we got our university placement results, I felt humiliated. I was the only one who got nothing. The others had everything they wanted. They laughed together and said things like, "Don't worry, you'll get it later," while clearly mocking me.
I felt ashamed just to exist.

I tried talking about how I feel to some friends. Nobody really listens. Just a quick "hang in there"… and then silence.

Sometimes, I wish someone would give me a reason to die — like some trauma would push me past the fear and I'd finally go through with it.
How do 13-year-old kids manage to do it, and not me?
It just makes me feel even more worthless.
 
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