Venting Sometimes it doesn't get better

[nintendo64]

I've always been told it gets better. I've had depression for my entire life, my first memory as a small child is looking down at my little hands and just thinking that I was never meant to be here and I don't want to exist. Every year I'm alive it only gets worse and worse, dipping to new lows I didn't even think possible. I am so, so tired of hearing that lie. It never got better, it's been decades. I've been unemployed for nearly 4 years, despite applying to probably thousands of jobs. Rejected from McDonalds and every other conceivable place that there is. I see a friend once every maybe two months. They're too busy with their jobs and partners to hang out with their pathetic depressed bum friend. I've tried meds, therapy, nothing worked. Blow didn't make me feel happy either. Nothing does. I've never been happy without that gnawing feeling deep in the pit of my stomach trying to claw its way out. I've been abused in every way, honestly to an almost comical extent. I've been molested, raped by everyone i've ever slept with, groped, stalked, kidnapped, harrassed, groomed, verbally abused, beaten. I can never even come close to trusting someone ever again. Whenever someone touches me it makes me want to vomit. Nobody ever respects that, and I'm a spineless weasel who just freezes when someone ignores my protests. I never fought back.
I stopped trying to make new friends after a girl developed an obsession with me, she would send me walls of text every day, drew portraits of me, randomly biked to my house in the middle of the night drunk in the pouring rain for 5 hours then hugged me even though I asked her not to and she refused to let go. It just made me feel like its happening all over again, sending me spiraling. I don't know why I always attract such bizarre people. My ex of four years started dating me when I was 16 and he was 21. He force fed me until I gained 100 pounds for his fetish, I lost all the weight and I'm anorexic and my body looks weird now. Every time I look in the mirror it's a reminder I chose to stay with him for four years despite his rampant cheating and abuse and I just feel pathetic.
My life is irrepirably fucked in every aspect, I could go on for hours. I just see no way out of this living nightmare other than to CTB. I wish more people could see death for what it can be, a mercy, instead of lying and saying it gets better. For some people, it just doesn't. There is really nothing more I can do. I'm just so tired, and I've always been tired. Nothing else could possibly fix this.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,
There's a lot that will say "It gets better" to see you work (struggle for the chance to serve someone) for one more day.

There's not much that actually cares.

 

[COP2CON]

I've always been told it gets better. I've had depression for my entire life, my first memory as a small child is looking down at my little hands and just thinking that I was never meant to be here and I don't want to exist. Every year I'm alive it only gets worse and worse, dipping to new lows I didn't even think possible. I am so, so tired of hearing that lie. It never got better, it's been decades. I've been unemployed for nearly 4 years, despite applying to probably thousands of jobs. Rejected from McDonalds and every other conceivable place that there is. I see a friend once every maybe two months. They're too busy with their jobs and partners to hang out with their pathetic depressed bum friend. I've tried meds, therapy, nothing worked. Blow didn't make me feel happy either. Nothing does. I've never been happy without that gnawing feeling deep in the pit of my stomach trying to claw its way out. I've been abused in every way, honestly to an almost comical extent. I've been molested, raped by everyone i've ever slept with, groped, stalked, kidnapped, harrassed, groomed, verbally abused, beaten. I can never even come close to trusting someone ever again. Whenever someone touches me it makes me want to vomit. Nobody ever respects that, and I'm a spineless weasel who just freezes when someone ignores my protests. I never fought back.
I stopped trying to make new friends after a girl developed an obsession with me, she would send me walls of text every day, drew portraits of me, randomly biked to my house in the middle of the night drunk in the pouring rain for 5 hours then hugged me even though I asked her not to and she refused to let go. It just made me feel like its happening all over again, sending me spiraling. I don't know why I always attract such bizarre people. My ex of four years started dating me when I was 16 and he was 21. He force fed me until I gained 100 pounds for his fetish, I lost all the weight and I'm anorexic and my body looks weird now. Every time I look in the mirror it's a reminder I chose to stay with him for four years despite his rampant cheating and abuse and I just feel pathetic.
My life is irrepirably fucked in every aspect, I could go on for hours. I just see no way out of this living nightmare other than to CTB. I wish more people could see death for what it can be, a mercy, instead of lying and saying it gets better. For some people, it just doesn't. There is really nothing more I can do. I'm just so tired, and I've always been tired. Nothing else could possibly fix this.

I'm sorry for your pain . it sucks and you don't deserve it.

 

[nintendo64]

I'm sorry for your pain . it sucks and you don't deserve it.

thank you

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

Most have good enough intentions when they say it... But it doesn't make it necessarily true. I believe it's usually true, but that's no obligation for anyone to hang on when they no longer want to.

 

[iamanavalanche]

im so sorry to hear what youve been through :( i relate to you in some ways. im devastated that people have to go through such nightmarish suffering.

 

[kuroshimi]

Sorry that you treated this way, you definitely don't deserve it.


Regarding the main topic, I feel the similar way. I told that it gets better, but I have the feeling that it's a lie. Just like the time has come to grow up, the world slowly begin declining. And at that moment all hopes for the future are simply vanished.

But I didn't get time to experience a full life. My childhood is literally destroyed.

 

[birthdayboy]

"It gets better" has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time now. People are always reblogging those sappy "it gets better" posts on tumblr, and I'm about ready to unfollow people who do. I'm well into adulthood, and it's only gotten worse for me.

I think "it gets better" is survivorship bias. A lot of people I've known ctb. So I guess in a way maybe it's true after all. It got better for them.

 

[Lfsn_kivacs-rei]

It gets better is bullshit and like someone else said, survivorship bias. No one should have to suffer like you have, like I have, like anyone here has. It's not going to get better for me. I said that to my mum this morning (merry Christmas huh) and she was like "ohh…no…it…might?" Woman you aren't fooling anyone. Disability, poor mental health and being victims of violence seem to run in my family, and I've seen the future but with my level of finance - fuck this. Pulling up to ctb pls.