campo d'erba
Member
- May 10, 2022
- 10
I've come really far from being suicidal. there used to be days where I would lay in bed staring at the ceiling planning how I would kill myself that day. The cutting and the bleeding and the hitting myself and all. I'm a year clean from cutting. I just had the worst shitty day in a long while. I thought it would be nice to talk to others about it. Although a lot of my friends have / are depressed or have poor mental health or just are empathetic, i don't ever open up. theres not a point, i believe; they cant really do anything and in the end it doesn't do me much good unless they really really understand. so i listen to them and i offer my advice, usually amounting to "go spend quality time with yourself", because ultimately they haven't found peace with themselves. I really want to die today. something came up today and it was my fault, now i have to deal with the consequences tomorrow. even now, at 4:31 am i won't go to sleep because I don't want it to come any sooner. I hate being alive at the moment, but more than that I get scared because it reminds me of how little control i have. one day i can be feeling great and then the next minute i am destroyed. i dont know what to do. i have had so, so much fun the past year, and yet, i still wish i could have died during one of my many attempts. maybe selfish, but i am beyond terrified of pain and the cost of the pain outweights everything. feeling so stressed i am going to throw up & the feeling of utter worthlessness. I guess i am writing this because i want to hear if others understand me. i want to know that im not alone
