Help So many questions, so little time. Please help.

[meatfleshprison]

I need to ctb as soon as humanly possible.

I've made up my mind, fully. I cannot stand this life anymore, this has been a long time coming and I need immediate help with this. I decided a few weeks ago that SN is the most viable option for me. (I have an antiemetic prescribed to me already and a sedative.)

Around that time, IC went down and is still down (to my knowledge) and while CCS is another option, I saw that another user said it's a phishing scam, as well as the image being corrected from nitrate to nitrite. I'm not in a good enough financial situation to risk buying fake SN. Please help me find another source, if there is another reliable source. Or let me know if CCS is a reliable source. I'm not sure I can PM on here yet but let me know if you're willing to help.

As for my other urgent questions, how do I write a suicide note? Who should I write a note to? Im very obviously going to write a note to my family. But, I'm conflicted if I should send a message to my ex at all. He knew me for years and we dated for years, it feels weird not writing him something. But I don't know if that's inconsiderate, ruins my chances to succeed, etc. I just don't want the word of my death to reach him and think that it's his fault. (the breakup is still pretty recent.) I want to write something for my best friend too, but he's a night owl who lives in another state. I don't want him to know i'm ctb'ing because he has all my information for an emergency. I'm just scared that it'll fail because of them and that they'll take away my resources to ctb, even for less viable methods.

How do I prepare for ctb? Do I need to give things away, are there definite things I need to establish or do to make sure I traumatize my family to the smallest possible degree? I plan on ctb'ing on a weekday, when everyone needs to be asleep earlier, to hopefully pass before anyone could check on me. I don't know if I should write a note and put it somewhere outside opposed to inside. Will my body be too graphic? I know I will turn slightly blue due to lack of oxygen, but will there be any other sort of side effect?

I am hoping to ctb before the end of May, or at most the end of June. I don't want to experience my birthday in July, alone. I'm tired of being alone. Any response is appreciated.

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

While I'm not very experienced in SN, I was doing research around a week and a half ago, and a tip for you is to get a large portion of Sodium Nitrite for cooking, since there isn't much of a reason someone would try to stop someone from cooking.

Assuming you don't live with your parents, you should just send it right before you attempt, and assuming it has been 1-3 months, (not a few weeks though because then they might think you're lying.) then I think you should include them, and make sure they know it isn't there fault.

For the third question I'm not really sure how to answer it, but I wouldn't recommend trying to slightly traumatize them, and no, your body won't be to graphic, most effects have to do with being alive (vomiting, headaches, etc.)