what's the longest you've endured being actively suicidal? if you had done it then, and knowing what you know now at 72 would that have been justified in your opinion?
hope my questions aren't too blunt
I don't mind you asking.
First, I should point out that feeling that life has no ultimate purpose or meaning, and feeling suicidal, are entirely different things. For me, the former does not lead to the latter, and it never has done. For some people it might do.
I have been close to catching the bus during one period of my life, but it was because of deep depression caused by external circumstances. When the circumstances changed, the depression went away and so did any serious thought of killing myself.
I'm not suicidal now. I will ctb if my husband dies before me, and not otherwise. That has been the situation for years.