heisenberg
zzzzzzz
- May 18, 2020
- 220
the sn i ordered from (what was) mds arrived yesterday. i took it out my mailbox today and i'm sitting in my bed with it in front of me. i did not get a welfare check (in us). when i was buying it, i felt intensely anxious but after i got my tracking number, that feeling went away. sitting now and crying, because for once everything feels real. when i attempted to ctb at 15, i really didn't have a lot going through my head - no extreme emotions at all. but it feels different now. i feel relieved that i finally have it, i feel happy that i have the most important mean of my method to ctb, i no longer feel anxious. most of all though i feel sad things got to this point, sad that a lot of environmental factors could have been avoided or fixed, sad that no one ever listened to me when i tried to talk about how i feel, sad that i had no one to go to, sad that nothing ever worked to "fix" me. that i was born as damaged goods. sad that i'm sitting on my bed with sn in front of me.
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