Hello all,
I came to this forum to seek information.
I provided some background info, it is required to understand the reasons for my post and questions, it may be lengthy but I believe necessary.
I live in Canada, Toronto, have been married for 25 years.
My wife had severe treatment resistant PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), had it since her childhood due to life threatening events she was exposed to during civil war in her home country.
To say that our life was difficult would be an understatement. I was the sole financial contributor for many years, she was not even capable of performing simple household tasks, preparing food, or taking care of herself like washing her hair.
She would often experience debilitating symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, suicidal episodes, frequent vomiting, inability to function as an independent person, she could not take a ride in subway, a visit to a crowded store would throw her into panic.
She had to go to or be taken to ER tens of times during our marriage due to being suicidal.
When something triggered her and her symptoms flared-up she would often speak of having visions of people or events that did not exist, and/or hearing voices telling her to kill herself, often a voice of some old men telling her how she was worthless.
She would often become aggressive and vengeful while in a state of flared-up symptoms and clouded mind. As an example, I managed to get her employed 3 times in companies I have worked at, as I was much appreciated and respected among my colleagues.
Unfortunately she was not able to remain employed for extended periods of time due to her mental illness, she would easily get into conflicts, her performance was poor, and her employment would be terminated. She would then sue her former employers for harassment, make allegations about events and conversations with her managers, verbal abuse, that in all likelihood did not happen. There were 2 such cases in the past where she sued former employers, with the third case being active at present time.
She also had trouble with her close family relationships for a long time, including with her brother who also lived in Toronto. She would often speak ill of him, his wife and their children.
Approximately 2 years ago her father died of cancer, he lived oversees, my wife rushed over there trying to see him before he died, and managed to see him only once, the day before he died. It was extremely traumatizing for her. When she came back to Canada she was not herself for some time, often spoke of her desire to kill people that mistreated her father. I was very worried about her.
It was only after her father death that she started communicating in a normal way with her brother and they became close.
All of this, her illness and behavior, had enormous impact on my health, my well being, and my relationships with my own family and friends, as well as relationships at my workplace.
My career did not advance with my employer because of her acts.
I suffered immensely in every aspect of my life because of her mental illness.
But I did not blame her for anything, I thought that all of it was the consequence of her illness, that beneath all of it she was a human being in a need of help.
I loved her, and decided to be with her no matter what, to support her for the rest of my life, knowing that I would never have children with her, never have family of my own, although it was my dream.
I would do whatever I could to help her, to give her strength to cope with symptoms, I tried to learn as much as I could about PTSD, how to recognize symptoms, how to support people with PTSD.
Approximately 8 years ago I started having health issues of my own, the only diagnosis I received was severe case of sleep apnea. I am not overweight, was always very active physically and mentally, it was the structure of my throat and my age that were the factors. The only remedy I was given was CPAP machine, no surgery was a possibility. The consequence of this illness was significant cognitive deterioration, I lost my job and could not find employment since then.
I cannot process and absorb information, have headaches, extremely loud buzzing in my head, double vision.
Due to my health deteriorating I applied 2.5 years ago for MAID (medical assistance in dying) in Canada so that I could have an exit in case I become mentally impaired so much that I could no longer deal with suffering. My wife co-signed my MAID application.
Since I could no longer work and generate income, and my wife was on disability leave while pursuing the latest legal action against her employer, I spoke to her at length trying to bring her back from the mental abyss she was in, and give her opportunity for better life and cure for her PTSD. We agreed that we would retire in an European country where my parents had a house and I had relatives who could help us with the move, where we could enjoy lower cost of living and be able to live relatively well from the savings and pension funds I have accumulated during my working years in Canada.
In Europe there was a new treatment available for treatment of resistant PTSD my wife had, called MDMA, that showed exceptional rate of success.
Life over there would be stress free, we could focus on ourselves and our health, and she would be close to her mother who lived overseas alone.
I wanted to create a good environment for us, with the best prospects to cure her mental illness, and hopefully my apnea and cognitive problems.
We started working intensively on preparation for the move in the last 18 months or so.
In March of 2025 I flew to Europe to start preparations for our move, over there a number of unfortunate events took place. I got into conflict with my father over our planned move back, he is an extremely aggressive person who was in conflict for years with most of his neighbors, and he did not like my wife.
I can imagine how devastating this was for my wife.
Then shortly after my arrival to Europe my wife had to undergo a surgery that resulted in severe infection. She had to be hospitalized and barely stayed alive.
All of this was happening while I was dealing with problems in Europe and could not come back to Canada right away to take care of her.
While I was away I communicated with my wife every day, she would call me every morning as soon as she woke up in Toronto, I would send her over Viber photos of local food, houses, mountain trails, trying to cheer her up, to show her all was going well.
All appeared to go according to our plan during the 4 months I was oversees.
Then our communication stopped abruptly on the day of my flight back to Toronto.
She stopped responding to my messages, and I received automated messages from the investment accounts I was managing that the access information was changed (login name, password, phone number), literally between the flights on my way back to Toronto.
When I landed in Toronto I was arrested and found out that my wife reported me to the Police, with false charges that I assaulted her and threatened her family. Later on I received a letter from her lawyer that she filed for divorce.
I am not allowed to communicate with her as per my bail conditions. I cannot say with certainly if this act of hers was a consequence of her mental illness or she turned into such a horrible evil person who wanted to eliminate me and grab everything I made in life. But the later seems to be the case, it was planned in advance while I was away, was not an impulsive act that could be contributed to a panic attack or other PTSD symptoms.
I do not see how I can defend myself against someone who I loved more than anyone, who I sacrificed everything for.
Since my return to Canada I have been experiencing extreme fear, could not keep food, kept vomiting, had diarrhea, heart pounding, trouble breathing.
My apnea has deteriorated horribly, I am chocking even during daytime.
I have terrible headaches, had a blackout twice.
The pain and suffering are immense. My cognitive capabilities had been severely diminished, both my short and long term memory have been severely impacted, I could no longer remember significant dates from my life, I am having hard time following simple conversation. I am without income, have severe health problems.
I was deceived, crashed, thrown onto the street. I have no siblings, have no one in Canada.
So I have reached the end of my journey through the life. I am 61 years old.
I have severe health problems, have no income, no ability to support myself, my wife is after all the assets and anything that may remain after legal procedures are completed will not be enough for me to survive for more than a couple of years. I will have no funds left to try to make something out of my remaining years.
My MAID application in Toronto is not progressing.
I do not want to end up homeless, mentally incapacitated, or even in a jail because of false accusations brought up by my mentally ill wife.
My suffering will only increase over time, and my only exit is to seek the relief through a suicide.
I believe it is clear that I gave this a lot of thought over a period of time, it is not a rush decision born out of depression or a situation that can be remedied.
Life can be beautiful when it can be enjoyed, but also an enormous suffering when facing severe health problems and no future.
I started collecting info on the best way to end my life, looking for 100% success rate so that I do not survive in some crippled state, and looking for something quick and painless.
It seems that one good method is pure helium inhalation, must be pure and not mixed with oxygen like in those helium cylinders for balloons, helium does not result in gasping for air since carbon dioxide is exhaled and replaced with helium, and the death is quick and painless.
Another method is some kind of medication, but I do not have much info.
Can you please comment on helium method, where can it be bought, do I need some kind of a flow regulator, can I simply attach the cylinder to my CPAP mask?
And can you please offer some information on medication that can be used, how it can be obtained?
I thank you all for any help and information you may share.
I came to this forum to seek information.
I provided some background info, it is required to understand the reasons for my post and questions, it may be lengthy but I believe necessary.
I live in Canada, Toronto, have been married for 25 years.
My wife had severe treatment resistant PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), had it since her childhood due to life threatening events she was exposed to during civil war in her home country.
To say that our life was difficult would be an understatement. I was the sole financial contributor for many years, she was not even capable of performing simple household tasks, preparing food, or taking care of herself like washing her hair.
She would often experience debilitating symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, suicidal episodes, frequent vomiting, inability to function as an independent person, she could not take a ride in subway, a visit to a crowded store would throw her into panic.
She had to go to or be taken to ER tens of times during our marriage due to being suicidal.
When something triggered her and her symptoms flared-up she would often speak of having visions of people or events that did not exist, and/or hearing voices telling her to kill herself, often a voice of some old men telling her how she was worthless.
She would often become aggressive and vengeful while in a state of flared-up symptoms and clouded mind. As an example, I managed to get her employed 3 times in companies I have worked at, as I was much appreciated and respected among my colleagues.
Unfortunately she was not able to remain employed for extended periods of time due to her mental illness, she would easily get into conflicts, her performance was poor, and her employment would be terminated. She would then sue her former employers for harassment, make allegations about events and conversations with her managers, verbal abuse, that in all likelihood did not happen. There were 2 such cases in the past where she sued former employers, with the third case being active at present time.
She also had trouble with her close family relationships for a long time, including with her brother who also lived in Toronto. She would often speak ill of him, his wife and their children.
Approximately 2 years ago her father died of cancer, he lived oversees, my wife rushed over there trying to see him before he died, and managed to see him only once, the day before he died. It was extremely traumatizing for her. When she came back to Canada she was not herself for some time, often spoke of her desire to kill people that mistreated her father. I was very worried about her.
It was only after her father death that she started communicating in a normal way with her brother and they became close.
All of this, her illness and behavior, had enormous impact on my health, my well being, and my relationships with my own family and friends, as well as relationships at my workplace.
My career did not advance with my employer because of her acts.
I suffered immensely in every aspect of my life because of her mental illness.
But I did not blame her for anything, I thought that all of it was the consequence of her illness, that beneath all of it she was a human being in a need of help.
I loved her, and decided to be with her no matter what, to support her for the rest of my life, knowing that I would never have children with her, never have family of my own, although it was my dream.
I would do whatever I could to help her, to give her strength to cope with symptoms, I tried to learn as much as I could about PTSD, how to recognize symptoms, how to support people with PTSD.
Approximately 8 years ago I started having health issues of my own, the only diagnosis I received was severe case of sleep apnea. I am not overweight, was always very active physically and mentally, it was the structure of my throat and my age that were the factors. The only remedy I was given was CPAP machine, no surgery was a possibility. The consequence of this illness was significant cognitive deterioration, I lost my job and could not find employment since then.
I cannot process and absorb information, have headaches, extremely loud buzzing in my head, double vision.
Due to my health deteriorating I applied 2.5 years ago for MAID (medical assistance in dying) in Canada so that I could have an exit in case I become mentally impaired so much that I could no longer deal with suffering. My wife co-signed my MAID application.
Since I could no longer work and generate income, and my wife was on disability leave while pursuing the latest legal action against her employer, I spoke to her at length trying to bring her back from the mental abyss she was in, and give her opportunity for better life and cure for her PTSD. We agreed that we would retire in an European country where my parents had a house and I had relatives who could help us with the move, where we could enjoy lower cost of living and be able to live relatively well from the savings and pension funds I have accumulated during my working years in Canada.
In Europe there was a new treatment available for treatment of resistant PTSD my wife had, called MDMA, that showed exceptional rate of success.
Life over there would be stress free, we could focus on ourselves and our health, and she would be close to her mother who lived overseas alone.
I wanted to create a good environment for us, with the best prospects to cure her mental illness, and hopefully my apnea and cognitive problems.
We started working intensively on preparation for the move in the last 18 months or so.
In March of 2025 I flew to Europe to start preparations for our move, over there a number of unfortunate events took place. I got into conflict with my father over our planned move back, he is an extremely aggressive person who was in conflict for years with most of his neighbors, and he did not like my wife.
I can imagine how devastating this was for my wife.
Then shortly after my arrival to Europe my wife had to undergo a surgery that resulted in severe infection. She had to be hospitalized and barely stayed alive.
All of this was happening while I was dealing with problems in Europe and could not come back to Canada right away to take care of her.
While I was away I communicated with my wife every day, she would call me every morning as soon as she woke up in Toronto, I would send her over Viber photos of local food, houses, mountain trails, trying to cheer her up, to show her all was going well.
All appeared to go according to our plan during the 4 months I was oversees.
Then our communication stopped abruptly on the day of my flight back to Toronto.
She stopped responding to my messages, and I received automated messages from the investment accounts I was managing that the access information was changed (login name, password, phone number), literally between the flights on my way back to Toronto.
When I landed in Toronto I was arrested and found out that my wife reported me to the Police, with false charges that I assaulted her and threatened her family. Later on I received a letter from her lawyer that she filed for divorce.
I am not allowed to communicate with her as per my bail conditions. I cannot say with certainly if this act of hers was a consequence of her mental illness or she turned into such a horrible evil person who wanted to eliminate me and grab everything I made in life. But the later seems to be the case, it was planned in advance while I was away, was not an impulsive act that could be contributed to a panic attack or other PTSD symptoms.
I do not see how I can defend myself against someone who I loved more than anyone, who I sacrificed everything for.
Since my return to Canada I have been experiencing extreme fear, could not keep food, kept vomiting, had diarrhea, heart pounding, trouble breathing.
My apnea has deteriorated horribly, I am chocking even during daytime.
I have terrible headaches, had a blackout twice.
The pain and suffering are immense. My cognitive capabilities had been severely diminished, both my short and long term memory have been severely impacted, I could no longer remember significant dates from my life, I am having hard time following simple conversation. I am without income, have severe health problems.
I was deceived, crashed, thrown onto the street. I have no siblings, have no one in Canada.
So I have reached the end of my journey through the life. I am 61 years old.
I have severe health problems, have no income, no ability to support myself, my wife is after all the assets and anything that may remain after legal procedures are completed will not be enough for me to survive for more than a couple of years. I will have no funds left to try to make something out of my remaining years.
My MAID application in Toronto is not progressing.
I do not want to end up homeless, mentally incapacitated, or even in a jail because of false accusations brought up by my mentally ill wife.
My suffering will only increase over time, and my only exit is to seek the relief through a suicide.
I believe it is clear that I gave this a lot of thought over a period of time, it is not a rush decision born out of depression or a situation that can be remedied.
Life can be beautiful when it can be enjoyed, but also an enormous suffering when facing severe health problems and no future.
I started collecting info on the best way to end my life, looking for 100% success rate so that I do not survive in some crippled state, and looking for something quick and painless.
It seems that one good method is pure helium inhalation, must be pure and not mixed with oxygen like in those helium cylinders for balloons, helium does not result in gasping for air since carbon dioxide is exhaled and replaced with helium, and the death is quick and painless.
Another method is some kind of medication, but I do not have much info.
Can you please comment on helium method, where can it be bought, do I need some kind of a flow regulator, can I simply attach the cylinder to my CPAP mask?
And can you please offer some information on medication that can be used, how it can be obtained?
I thank you all for any help and information you may share.
