SoulWhisperer
Nothing Like The Looks Ā« ā¤ļøāš©¹ Ā»
- Nov 13, 2023
- 579
This is a rare feeling, but sometimes I feel like I am a kid in an adult's body. I have no one in real life to support or help me, and one doesn't magically learn everything on their own. Surely, you can learn most things and struggle with others. But you cannot understand like social things, how economy around you or the market works without being it OR having someone telling you their experience or telling you at the very least how to behave and approach it.
Even if I wish I could live, survive my hell and get past my problems, I cannot just think of overcoming all barriers and obstacles with sheer "good will", I, personally, am not THAT strong. Sometimes I just feel terrified of the world, of everything around me, of people able to physically hurt me or damage me in any other way. One has to fend for themselves in the world, and usually "family" is the thing that shields you once you are home, and that raises you to take on this shit world. But what if you got no family to rely on? To turn to? Then we get friends, but. I have none of those in real life, no one that would seriously consider helping a depressed suicidal person like me. Partners? Haven't gotten that either; ever. Who's left? No one but myself.
That's really the truth for me: If I wanna do something and forge myself in this world, I gotta do it myself. People succeed, people don't. There's no guarantee and when you are basically 1 versus the world it becomes quite difficult, you know...
If I wanna live it's basically entirely up to me and my ability to survive, adapt and do things. There's so many things wrong with me, with the way I live, with my mind. Many things I hate, that make me mad, that trigger me, that even just outright terrorize me. I try to do something new and unexplored to "help myself", I end up shaking and trembling in fear, knowing that I am really just one wrong move from ending up homeless and being killed.
"Support", "Help", words that constantly flew over my head, to the point that hearing them instilled me the opposite of hopefulness. It's gotten to the point of nauseating me. There is no "magic help", there is no "savior" and there is no magic guaranteed miracle in existence.
I'll end up dying, in one way or another. Fuck my life.
Even if I wish I could live, survive my hell and get past my problems, I cannot just think of overcoming all barriers and obstacles with sheer "good will", I, personally, am not THAT strong. Sometimes I just feel terrified of the world, of everything around me, of people able to physically hurt me or damage me in any other way. One has to fend for themselves in the world, and usually "family" is the thing that shields you once you are home, and that raises you to take on this shit world. But what if you got no family to rely on? To turn to? Then we get friends, but. I have none of those in real life, no one that would seriously consider helping a depressed suicidal person like me. Partners? Haven't gotten that either; ever. Who's left? No one but myself.
That's really the truth for me: If I wanna do something and forge myself in this world, I gotta do it myself. People succeed, people don't. There's no guarantee and when you are basically 1 versus the world it becomes quite difficult, you know...
If I wanna live it's basically entirely up to me and my ability to survive, adapt and do things. There's so many things wrong with me, with the way I live, with my mind. Many things I hate, that make me mad, that trigger me, that even just outright terrorize me. I try to do something new and unexplored to "help myself", I end up shaking and trembling in fear, knowing that I am really just one wrong move from ending up homeless and being killed.
"Support", "Help", words that constantly flew over my head, to the point that hearing them instilled me the opposite of hopefulness. It's gotten to the point of nauseating me. There is no "magic help", there is no "savior" and there is no magic guaranteed miracle in existence.
I'll end up dying, in one way or another. Fuck my life.
