Venting SA’d for a year.

[princexhhn]

…How do you even deal with this?…

Some people in my life know it happened, but I've never spoken to them about what he actually did. I told them he sexually assaulted and used me.. but that's all I said, and even just saying that made me want to throw up.

I'm only finding the courage to talk about it here, since you guys don't really know me… though a part of me is still afraid he'd somehow find this post…

I was sexually assaulted and coerced by my ex boyfriend for our entire relationship, which lasted a year. It's been nearly two years since then, and it still haunts me. I've no idea what to do. He'd say he loved me, but then would use me for my body. When I tried to say no, it was somehow my fault and I "didn't love him". I told him from the start that I was Asexual, I told him so that he won't expect anything from me and he could leave before we actually dated. He stayed, and then demanded my body from me. This guy also emotionally abused me, and isolated me from all my friends and family… he was the only person I had. I had no other choice but to do what he wanted me to.

Part of me still says that I should shut up, that I'm not a victim because I gave in… but I don't know what to do. I feel so disgusting all the time. No matter how many times I shower I still feel his hands on me. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe it was my fault…

I just want my innocence back.

 

[bankai]

It's going to take time, I'm afraid.It's definitely not easy to get over something like this soon.

You know that bit about isolation? A lot of predators do this. Narcissists. It's mainly to control you and to make sure that you don't have anyone else to turn to. My dad did this to my mother as well. He didn't like her visiting her sister or brother and he didn't like her siblings or their families visiting us. He didn't like any of her family visiting us.

That's how they exert control. It's not your fault. Obviously someone else manipulated you. And trust me, they are really good at it. You don't have to feel bad about yourself. And I'm really sorry that happened to you.

And also, if you're wary of anyone seeing these posts, you can post it in private suicide discussion. Lurkers can't read it there.

 

[princexhhn]

It's going to take time, I'm afraid.It's definitely not easy to get over something like this soon.

You know that bit about isolation? A lot of predators do this. Narcissists. It's mainly to control you and to make sure that you don't have anyone else to turn to. My dad did this to my mother as well. He didn't like her visiting her sister or brother and he didn't like her siblings or their families visiting us. He didn't like any of her family visiting us.

That's how they exert control. It's not your fault. Obviously someone else manipulated you. And trust me, they are really good at it. You don't have to feel bad about yourself. And I'm really sorry that happened to you.

And also, if you're wary of anyone seeing these posts, you can post it in private suicide discussion. Lurkers can't read it there.

Thank you. :) I'm sorry about your mother as well, I wish the best for both of you

 

[iamanavalanche]

i was also SA by an ex it happened multiple times every week for 6 months through mostly coercion. im so sorry this has happened to you too :( it is not at all your fault.

 

[princexhhn]

i was also SA by an ex it happened multiple times every week for 6 months through mostly coercion. im so sorry this has happened to you too :( it is not at all your fault.

Looks like we're in a similar boat. I hope things are better for you now

 

[Freedombus'25]

Similar thing happened to me. At the end of said relationship he was like stalking me. I actually changed my name on here at one point bc of it/my paranoia.

Its been like 5-6 yrs now....

Hmmm it does/has gotten better. It took time. It helped to hace spaces and people that had experienced similar things. Like support groups or just... people that knew and understood. I think I used to think about it all the time but now not so much. Even writing this doesn't feel as bad as before...

It just kinda gets better with time maybe? Care of self in ways. I dont really remember what I did but ig it just became less and other things in life became more? Hard to explain. I feel like I probs wrote about it a bunch on here too so that helped too tbh.

No linear way to deal with things. I think is jus tryin the best and sometimes thats rest and gentleness if possible. Yeahhh.

Not easy tho but it can get better. Its ok to be impacted by something so awful.

I hope things get better for you / you find more ease & healing. You deserve that & more good things ️

 

[R. A.]

Nothing new to add, but probably won't hurt to hear it from as many as possible: not your fault, fuck that piece of shit, etc.
and as @bankai said you can report this post and ask it be moved to private, or open a support ticket. Either way mods can move it.

 

[kagebunshin]

It also happened to me many years ago. I was living in a foreign country with a partner visa due to my long-term relationship with a native from that country. He used to threaten to leave me, and thus void the visa and force me to leave the country, if I didn't do certain things for him. Even if I cried during or after, he didn't care.

Luckily I was eventually able to switch to a student visa and so leave him. I have trauma amnesia from a lot of that time and the three years of our relationship are a blur. I only know things happened for certain because I've always kept a diary, but I leave it all in the past and don't dwell on it.

It took time to get over, and what helped tremendously was having a relationship after that with someone who respected me and cared for me. It like "purified" me from the SA stuff. That relationship didn't last but even still it was healing for me. SA is so awful and I'm so sorry for everyone who goes through it. Truly terrible.