"rushing" suicide

[monetpompo]

do you guys think that rushing suicide is a thing?
i'm thinking about ctbing tonight because i had a really bad day and i don't think i'm capable of coping with anything anymore. i think that i just want to kill myself so that i can finally stop having bad days. my parents don't love me and just see me as a burden. today my dad started laughing at me when i started crying and yelling that i wanted to commit suicide because my mom hates me and he doesn't care. it was really traumatic for me and my mom and dad are literally just going to act like the last 2 days didn't happen. the day before this my mom said that i deserved to become homeless and be a prostitute for money, so today my dad started a lecture about how i shouldn't "react" to what my mom says. when she's yelling about how worthless i am because she hates me. how am i not supposed to get angry that she hates me and is only pretending to be nice to me when she's not shouting at me? my whole life, she's thought that i was useless and scum. i don't give a fuck about her. and then my dad started yelling at me because i wasn't agreeing with the nonsense he was spouting about how i should be grateful that my parents sustain me. i literally think about how i would rather be dead than keep living in their house.

i'm so extremely lonely. my sister cares about me and is trying to get a job so that she can support me and her but i just see every day as a countdown up to when i'm going to die, basically. i can't keep living if no one cares about me and no one loves me. i want to be loved by a single person. i don't know why i'm so undeserving of love. every day is so hard. i feel like i'm melting and everything is spinning. suicide by hanging will hurt when i do it. my SI always gets in the way.

i'm not going to a hotel because i can only afford crappy ones, and i would have to pay for an uber there and back if i gave up on my suicide. it costs a lot of money to be homeless because i need to buy ubers, my own food, and water to drink. staying outside in the texas sun is unsustainable and i would burn up pretty quickly, but it would still take me a long time to die from starvation/dehydration/heat stroke. i just want this pain to stop. i want to move away but i can't. every day i think about moving away so that i can finally be free.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through all of that strife with your family. As someone who is going to ctb tonight and originally planned it for October, I would say that it's not always the case that you're rushing CTB. The reason I say this is because I woke up feeling ready in my bones. I felt like this is it, I'm going to end it. You simply just know when you're done and ready to sign out. However, if you have a mental breakdown and feel suicidal, I would say be careful, because once you calm down you may not feel the same way. If you're determined to end it, it's easier to tell. Sometimes you may get scared, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not ready. I know I'm ready because I can't see myself doing anything else tonight.

 

[getoutgirl]

Impulse generally bad. I think. Tonight's also one of the nights I know I'd kill myself If I had a loaded gun in the house, or SN. Or at least I'd had big chances, nights like these.
Still I think suicide should be a very thought out thing. And I don't mean just the ideation for years. Just not something that should be rush yeah... Like any decision, specially one of this magnitude.

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I'm sorry you have a shitty dad that doesn't care, he is shit if he does that. There is still a world out there away from them, and close to people like your sister who do care, and love you, in which you don't see yourself as a burden because you don't need to see yourself as one to justify wanting to leave. Or viceversa. I know that's out there and its a hard ass road and I can't point you where it starts cos hell if I know it for myself but I feel you.
If tonights a shitty night try to take it easy, or do whatever makes it less shitty. I'm going to eat a bunch and watch old dracula movies. Do your equivalent of that lol. When you are feeling like this there's no point doing anything other than what makes you feel any better so... wish u can do that and u feel better. Big hugs <3

 

[ShadowVent88]

It's the only way. It's the secret to overcome SI.
I've tried countless times to CTB when I'm calm and serene but SI always stops me.
I'm waiting for a fucked up / horrible day when I'm angry enough at myself to finally pull it off.

 

[monetpompo]

mental breakdown and feel suicidal, I would say be careful, because once you calm down you may not feel the same way. If you're determined to end it, it's easier to tell.

yeah, this is what makes me back down from most of my attempts. i feel really strongly about it when i walk into the forest and then i'm there for a few hours with my backpack on my back and i'm like, "i wanna go home again". my survival instinct makes me so mad.

Impulse generally bad. I think. Tonight's also one of the nights I know I'd kill myself If I had a loaded gun in the house, or SN. Or at least I'd had big chances, nights like these.

thank you for always reading my posts even if they mostly feel like me talking about how much i hate my parents lol

my period started today so it's making me dysphoric and nauseous. it feels so stereotypical to want to ctb on my period, but every time it happens i feel really suicidal and i can't stop spiraling. the spiraling feels like, uncontrollable and all my anxious thoughts just keep going until i fall asleep and wake up again. i wish i had a loaded gun, too. i would've died way earlier if my parents owned guns because my first method was going to be me buying a firearm, but i'm not old enough yet. a part of me is thinking about hanging on until april 7 (birthday), and then i rush into a shooting range and tell the owner i want to buy a shotgun now now now. that's actually one of the only reasons i can think of hanging on right now lol.

i'm feeling really fried. i still want to die but i feel calmer now. i can't stop thinking about dying.

 

[fishlover]

do you guys think that rushing suicide is a thing?

any answer to this would be subjective, of course. i tend to act really impulsively and then regret my actions later on a daily basis, and i've felt the same way with ctb.

so mant times i've felt like everythig is falling apart around me, nothing matters anymore, and the only solution is to kill myself as soon as possible or at that very moment. but once everythings clears up and my head mellows out, i'll think that "its not so bad enough to do that right now".

it does help that i have a "perfect death" plan and want to do whatever possible to achieve it. i know in my heart that i would truly regret a rushed death.

if you're worried about a rushed suicide, i would say having a future goal that you really, truly, desire is best. it can be your "perfect death", or it can be something like living with your sister. put every effort into that goal like your life depends on it. tell yourself you absolutely cannot die until you achieve it. once you do, your "free" to die whenever you wish.

it helps- but in the end, death has its own timing. maybe even i wont last until my "perfect death".

 

[monetpompo]

i've been replaying today in my head over and over while i've been in bed. i think that i do want to kill myself. i'm chilling in front of the lake in my neighborhood and the ducks are visiting again. some more just flew down and went to sit by the water. someone's annoying dog is barking and there's a cool breeze blowing by me. i've cried on the bench i'm sitting on before because i've felt so lonely. once i die, i don't want to be lonely ever again. i'm waiting for my uber to come to take me to the forest. i just want to go. i hope that today is the day i finally work up the courage to do it. if reincarnation is real, i want to be a duck at a really rich person's private lake.

i have no hope for my future and everything is extremely painful. i have no one. i don't care about hanging out with my sister tomorrow. i want to die tonight. i never want my parents to yell at me again.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

if reincarnation is real, i want to be a duck at a really rich person's private lake.

If you knew about the mating habits of ducks, you would not be saying that.

 

[getoutgirl]

i've been replaying today in my head over and over while i've been in bed. i think that i do want to kill myself. i'm chilling in front of the lake in my neighborhood and the ducks are visiting again. some more just flew down and went to sit by the water. someone's annoying dog is barking and there's a cool breeze blowing by me. i've cried on the bench i'm sitting on before because i've felt so lonely. once i die, i don't want to be lonely ever again. i'm waiting for my uber to come to take me to the forest. i just want to go. i hope that today is the day i finally work up the courage to do it. if reincarnation is real, i want to be a duck at a really rich person's private lake.

i have no hope for my future and everything is extremely painful. i have no one. i don't care about hanging out with my sister tomorrow. i want to die tonight. i never want my parents to yell at me again.

Ok I'm really sorry. Maybe overstepping. I know you've been on that forest before so this isn't a first time impulse thing. But it sure sounds like a crisis/awful moment at the moment. And you feel these things at the moment. And tomorrow you would have a good time with your sister, who does love you. Your parents suck, no wonder you feel like this aroun them. You could get out of there eventually, and find people who care about you and love you. And I assure you you could find them. You are not undeserving of love, you are just in a objectively shitty environment with shitty people whose words are contributing to you feeling like this, and mental health in the shiets which is also making you feel this way.

So if you want love and care that's out there, and you know is a lot more worth it than death, if you also want to fukin die right now I feel that extremely too, but given that and that you are in a shit day feeling like shit rn, I'd advise maybe its best to go home and have a good day tomorrow with your sister. And maybe the afternoon is shitty again or the next day, probably, can't blame you for wanting out. But there's a better out I can't help but belive you deserve a lot more, which comes with that love and care you long for. You'd just have to hang in there til you can make it out. Which is extremely hard to ask I know. I won't. But I will tell you about it, least I could do.

If you go to the forest tonight, I hope you make a good decision or one you'd be happy with. There's always your sister tomorrow. And a future where you wouldn't have to hear your parents yell ever again. Then again, that future is yours to decide. I just wished you had it easier for yourself.
A big hug to you. And I really mean the hug like I hope it soothes whatever feelings are plaguing you are the moment in any way. <3

 

[Pluto]

 

[Seiba]

sorry low energy most days now so not much in the way of amazing articulation. I think a lot of people will say to wait until no impulse is felt at all but I don't know. In the end, I think desperation determines a lot of willingness to die. In the end if the method is effective and the person using it is knowledgeable about where, how etc then a plan can be seen (or at least I've seen it that way on rather bad nights) as prolonging pain for no reason.

I've been on the forum for years, having failed to leave for a while. Just telling myself I'll kill myself over and over for years. Saying to myself I'd wait until it gets a little worse and backing out of hanging. I have a date set but it doesn't really change things internally much.
I think outside of this forum it's worth keeping in mind a lot of outside suicides just involve methods and intent. Most suicide don't include notes or massive plans.

I have been reading a lot of your post being more of a lurker and I do selfishly wish you'd at least wait until you have access to something better than a forest. I've carried a rope to a pitch black area before at night, it's not pleasant at all.

 

[Nightfoot]

Acting impulsively can increase the risk of making mistakes.

 

[monetpompo]

@getoutgirl your comment reminded me of @evanescent_eva. she cared about me when i was around too. i miss her. i'm glad i logged back on to see your comment. i'm chilling on a little platform right now. my backpack with my rope and stool are next to me. a bunch of guys came up riding their electric scooters and got scared of me because i was sitting in the dark. it was pretty funny.

you're right about tomorrow being a good day if i stay alive. i appreciate all the comments you leave. i started using my time outside as a way to decompress from today, because i like being able to sit in complete silence without having to listen to my parents' voices in the other room. home feels so suffocating knowing that they're always around and judging me. being able to be alone is such a luxury for me now. i have a lot of intrusive thoughts about just packing a bag and running as far as i can until i get exhausted and pass out. i ate nothing today, so i have a headache. i asked my sister to make food since i'm still not going to leave my room.



here's the full moon again. i love the full moon and the way it looks so yellow when it's coming up. it's because of color wavelengths or something. i googled it a month ago and forgot lol.

pluto posts always ease my mind. they speak to the soul

I have been reading a lot of your post being more of a lurker and I do selfishly wish you'd at least wait until you have access to something better than a forest.

honestly, i just don't know if i have anywhere else to go. i do like being in the forest though. it's relaxing. right now i'm sitting in the parking lot of the trail with my legs crossed. i called a ride back home. even though i came here wanting to commit, i really like that i can relax and be away from home even though i'm by myself. if i had a car, i could always run away from home like this. it's so suffocating to lay in bed and deal with my spiraling thoughts but be unable to leave. i also like how i start to relax after a while of being in the dorest. when i'm away from my parents, i feel much safer and happier.

 

[monetpompo]

i'm regretting coming back from the forest because my suicidal urges came back. i don't want to eat or really do anything. i puked when i came home from the forest because i ate nothing all day and the car ride made me nauseous. i don't ever want to look at my parents ever again. i want to hurt them if i see and i know that's bad. i would rather lay in bed completely lethargic and starve myself then leave my room. i don't trust them and i hate them. all this week confirmed is that they would happier and better off if i just died. i need to do it soon because i can't stop looping my dad shouting at me in my head. if he and my mom both shouted at me 2 days in between each other then they must both be sick of being my parents.

i just want to die so badly. i want to be a corpse. i don't see any escape for myself and my sister caring about me isn't enough. i want to be able to escape to someone. i have nowhere to go and when i want to leave somewhere to feel peace then i have to uber. i don't want to keep suffering like this. i don't want everyone to yell at me because they hate me. i just want someone to understand how i feel and not judge me. every day i feel so lonely and the things that used to make me happy feel so far away. everything is bad. i just want to be able to cover my eyes and hide. i'm hungry but i don't want to eat.