relationship issues

[fuzzypeach]

i dont think i want children. ive had a really traumatic childhood and kept suffering into adulthood because of it so i have a lot of ethical and moral reservations about it. but i am young, and sometimes i HAVE felt the urge to be pregnant, to be a mother, to have my partner's children and raise a happy family with him. but i am so afraid of being pregnant and giving birth for obvious reasons, especially im mentally ill, and then i think about it from a feminist perspective and its like... motherhood is a social suicide for women and like yeah it doesnt HAVE to be a punishment but the likelihood for it to be that way and for motherhood to just be extra hard on my life is very real. ive been w my partner 3 yrs now and in the beginning i told him straight up i did not want children, that i wasnt completely sure but leaned heavily towards no, he was kind of on the fence about it too but told me he respected my decision and would be happy with whatever decision i made either way. he reassured me this was true any time i would question it until we went on our 3rd year anniversary date and he said something about imagining how his future children would be, which made me realize that he does want children and had not actually respected my decision so i brought it up and he had the realization too, admitting to it. we cried together but ultimately decided we didnt want to break up and will make it work. but today at work he calls me and we're just chatting and he brings up the conversation again saying he is not sure and that he has been thinking about it. obviously i respect that he is talking to me about it because thats what we need to do, as we had planned to move in together within the next 6 months and need clarity about our future together. but then he got busy with work and i quickly hung up, sending him a message saying i needed some time to myself because i started crying uncontrollably.

i told him exactly how i felt and he took it perfectly, now we are talking about possibly starting couple's therapy to figure this out together.

but what if we are building toward something that eventually breaks over this? it is not that i doubt his love or his commitment, i never have. it is that i am realizing that feelings can change and the future is not guaranteed, and it is no one's fault. that realization popped my illusion bubble and it hurt.

now i feel like there is no point in life again. my dog is my life but she is super elderly and will die sooner rather than later, i have a core incompatibility with the love of my life (meaning we will probably end up breaking up), and my lease w my roommate is up in 6 months (when my partner and i wanted to move in together) but now if we break up i will have to move back in with my parents, the cause of my suicidal ideation in the first place. i do not ever want to go back there and now i just feel so trapped like what even is the point of anything anymore if everything good for me will end in 6 months, might as well just kill myself at that point

 

[cyanidekitty]

i dont think you're exactly looking for advice but what i will say is that at the end of the day it is your body. that child will be coming out of you so dont force yourself into anything that you're really not interested in doing just because you dont want to lose your partner

& i get it.. on one hand yall have been together for 3 years. in reality, thats a lot of time to spend with someone u arent related to romantically

but still. i think if that man really had unconditional love for you then he would settle for no child

and maybe adoption is a choice?? not sure tho :((