- I'm very aware of the way life is (maybe too aware, if that's actually possible) and am just not made for it (this is the main reason why I want to die). For example, I don't want to live in a world where you have to work in order to live, whether it's for someone else or for your own business (although you don't have to work for someone else if you start your own business, you still have to work, take on more responsibilities that come with having your own business, and make money). Work to earn money and spend it on bills and things to distract yourself from reality, and repeat this never ending cycle until you either retire (which is pretty much non-existent now, and even if you do get to do that anymore, you would be too old and would most likely have various health problems to be able to enjoy life) or literally work to death. Literally everything is about money. Without it, you're broke. Prices keep going up while wages don't (if they do, it's not enough to keep up with inflation). The rich get richer while the poor gets poorer. How most people love life or aren't at least suicidal is beyond me.
I'm not interested in jobs, careers, starting my own business, colleges/universities, or even anything "fun". Having to dress up and be fake in interviews just to get a job, and having to be fake at work to earn money just doesn't seem worth it to me. No matter how much money I would have, I would never be satisfied, especially since literally everything sucks now anyway. I just have no passions or ambitions in life. Never have been, never will be.
- My curse with happiness, where every single time I feel happy, either something bad happens (not seriously bad, but bad enough to ruin my mood), I make a mistake, or someone (either online or in real life) ruins my mood. This has been going on for at least a couple years and it hasn't gotten better since. And if I ever get my hopes up about something, disappointment always follows. Now I'm too scared to feel happy without having to suffer some form of consequence. Every time something good happens, I remind myself not to get too happy or else I would regret it.
And the worst part about it is that no one believes you, if you were to have this kind of curse. They'll most likely tell you that it's all in your head, to just be positive, and that by being positive, good things will happen. Well, every time I try to be positive, I get the complete opposite, and vise very. Trust me , I've tried so many times that it proves just how much of a joke my luck really is. If this is how I have to live for the rest of my life, then I don't see the point of continuing this existence, just to continue this never-ending curse the universe casted upon me.
- Astraphobia (I've had this phobia for a long time, probably since I was born). Every time I think I've finally gotten over this fear, a loud storm comes and proves me wrong. I can't stand storms, loud or not (where I live, we get the loud ones way more often than not), especially at night when I'm trying to sleep. Every time I see a flash of lightning, I worry about whether the thunder will be too loud or not and always brace myself. It's so stressful and exhausting living with this phobia that I worry about getting a heart attack from it someday. I don't want to have to live like this for the rest of life.
- Trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder). It started ever since I was 13 and has only gotten worse since then. My mother comments about the lack of eyelashes and eyebrows and tells me to just stop, as if it were that easy (I really do try, but always fail eventually). I showed her an article about it, just for her to either forget about it or not even care and go right back to getting in my face and commenting about it. I have no support because nobody else has this disorder. I believe that this disorder is lifelong, so I will forever be ugly.
- Being ignored more often than not. Even my family ignores me, whenever I do decide to hang out with them. They either tune me out or interrupt me when I'm talking. And it's only with me. They say it's because I don't talk loud enough, but I do. They choose not to listen to me and use that as an excuse not to. I was told by my mother that isolation makes depression worse. But honestly, being around them doesn't make me feel any better. I usually stay me and my sister's room by myself, and actually prefer being by myself in there.
Even most of my friends online ignore me. I'm always the one initiating conversations. If I decide to not initiate any conversation with them, I would never hear from them ever again and they wouldn't bother checking on me. Even in group chats I get ignored and talked over all the time.
However, if I were to do something wrong or make a mistake, THAT'S when people notice me. Nobody sees or cares about anything good that I do, only the mistakes I make. Even my mother is like this, only sees the mistakes I've made and not any accomplishments that I've done, and always goes for whatever flaw/flaws there are before telling me that I did good. She'll even find something to nag at me about. I swear she'll just wait for me to slip up, just so she'll have something to get on me about. I'm starting to think that I'll never be good enough because no matter what I do and how hard I try to not make a mistake, I somehow mess up.
Even if we do move out of the US (which I really hope we do soon), I still wouldn't be happy because I would not only still be with them, but I would still have to work to live and would still have to deal with my personal problems on top of that. I already didn't want to live anymore and have thought about suicide for a long time, but the 2024 election was the nail in the coffin for me.
I know a lot of people have it way worse than I do, and I do feel really bad for them, but I just can't anymore. Almost all of these problems alone are enough to make me want to die, and think about suicide nearly every day. The only reason I haven't done it yet is for my family's sake, because I don't want to break them. But that line is seriously drawing thinner and thinner each day.
I'm tired. I'm done. I'm so done with life and everything and everybody (mostly bad people) in it. I'm so tired that literally no amount of sleep is enough for me anymore. I just want to be free from this hell called life. Suicide is the only way I'll ever be free and truly happy at this point...
Sorry for this super long rant.
I'm not interested in jobs, careers, starting my own business, colleges/universities, or even anything "fun". Having to dress up and be fake in interviews just to get a job, and having to be fake at work to earn money just doesn't seem worth it to me. No matter how much money I would have, I would never be satisfied, especially since literally everything sucks now anyway. I just have no passions or ambitions in life. Never have been, never will be.
- My curse with happiness, where every single time I feel happy, either something bad happens (not seriously bad, but bad enough to ruin my mood), I make a mistake, or someone (either online or in real life) ruins my mood. This has been going on for at least a couple years and it hasn't gotten better since. And if I ever get my hopes up about something, disappointment always follows. Now I'm too scared to feel happy without having to suffer some form of consequence. Every time something good happens, I remind myself not to get too happy or else I would regret it.
And the worst part about it is that no one believes you, if you were to have this kind of curse. They'll most likely tell you that it's all in your head, to just be positive, and that by being positive, good things will happen. Well, every time I try to be positive, I get the complete opposite, and vise very. Trust me , I've tried so many times that it proves just how much of a joke my luck really is. If this is how I have to live for the rest of my life, then I don't see the point of continuing this existence, just to continue this never-ending curse the universe casted upon me.
- Astraphobia (I've had this phobia for a long time, probably since I was born). Every time I think I've finally gotten over this fear, a loud storm comes and proves me wrong. I can't stand storms, loud or not (where I live, we get the loud ones way more often than not), especially at night when I'm trying to sleep. Every time I see a flash of lightning, I worry about whether the thunder will be too loud or not and always brace myself. It's so stressful and exhausting living with this phobia that I worry about getting a heart attack from it someday. I don't want to have to live like this for the rest of life.
- Trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder). It started ever since I was 13 and has only gotten worse since then. My mother comments about the lack of eyelashes and eyebrows and tells me to just stop, as if it were that easy (I really do try, but always fail eventually). I showed her an article about it, just for her to either forget about it or not even care and go right back to getting in my face and commenting about it. I have no support because nobody else has this disorder. I believe that this disorder is lifelong, so I will forever be ugly.
- Being ignored more often than not. Even my family ignores me, whenever I do decide to hang out with them. They either tune me out or interrupt me when I'm talking. And it's only with me. They say it's because I don't talk loud enough, but I do. They choose not to listen to me and use that as an excuse not to. I was told by my mother that isolation makes depression worse. But honestly, being around them doesn't make me feel any better. I usually stay me and my sister's room by myself, and actually prefer being by myself in there.
Even most of my friends online ignore me. I'm always the one initiating conversations. If I decide to not initiate any conversation with them, I would never hear from them ever again and they wouldn't bother checking on me. Even in group chats I get ignored and talked over all the time.
However, if I were to do something wrong or make a mistake, THAT'S when people notice me. Nobody sees or cares about anything good that I do, only the mistakes I make. Even my mother is like this, only sees the mistakes I've made and not any accomplishments that I've done, and always goes for whatever flaw/flaws there are before telling me that I did good. She'll even find something to nag at me about. I swear she'll just wait for me to slip up, just so she'll have something to get on me about. I'm starting to think that I'll never be good enough because no matter what I do and how hard I try to not make a mistake, I somehow mess up.
Even if we do move out of the US (which I really hope we do soon), I still wouldn't be happy because I would not only still be with them, but I would still have to work to live and would still have to deal with my personal problems on top of that. I already didn't want to live anymore and have thought about suicide for a long time, but the 2024 election was the nail in the coffin for me.
I know a lot of people have it way worse than I do, and I do feel really bad for them, but I just can't anymore. Almost all of these problems alone are enough to make me want to die, and think about suicide nearly every day. The only reason I haven't done it yet is for my family's sake, because I don't want to break them. But that line is seriously drawing thinner and thinner each day.
I'm tired. I'm done. I'm so done with life and everything and everybody (mostly bad people) in it. I'm so tired that literally no amount of sleep is enough for me anymore. I just want to be free from this hell called life. Suicide is the only way I'll ever be free and truly happy at this point...
Sorry for this super long rant.
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