Rant

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

I don't understand why CTB is so hard and why we have to resort to gruesome methods. There will always be suicidal people, that's just a fact. Why not offer those people a painless and clean death? It would keep people from traumatizing strangers and their families from finding a body (a deformed one, if the only available method is gruesome) and scarring them for life. Yes, losing a loved one hurts and is traumatizing no matter what. But the trauma could be kept to a minimum if a sterile environment away from family and friends would be provided and there would be so much more peace before death. Even countries with end-of-life care only really offer it to terminally ill or elderly people. Which I agree with but I don't get why it stops there. Why are mental illnesses like treatment-resistant major depressive disorder not a valid reason? It's literally a life long condition with no steady treatment since, you know, it's TREATMENT-RESISTANT. Like, yes, you should give life a chance first. Some treatments do work for people. But, if you're like me, you've tried dozens of medications and have been in therapy your whole life and it hasn't done shit. Even at your "happiest" you're just doing things more so because you're suppose to or to pass the time until you die. And then people in your life will have the audacity to say things like "You're just not trying, you're weak" or "I love you, but I can't deal with this". You can't deal with my depression? Fine. That's your choice and I would never ask you to sacrifice your mental health for mine, but don't you dare then ask me to not CTB. You just said it was too much for you to handle, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?! I didn't choose to feel this way! At least you get to fucking walk away if you want, I'm stuck with it! And it's not like I haven't tried to fix it, NOOOOOO. I used to go to therapy once a weak, was on medication, ran a mile a day, meditated for 20 minutes every day, read for 30 minutes every day, took morning walks, ate healthy, and socialized. And yes, I did feel a LITTLE better, but I'd still wake up with the same anxiety and empty feeling in my chest. I read stories about survivors and their stories and they almost all say "Yeah, every day still kind of sucks but I found something I'm passionate about and that keeps me going" Great! So I just have to find my passion? Wait, I've never been passionate about anything and anything I have been has faded relatively quickly or I still have the empty feeling while working on it. Like, I get that life sucks for everyone, that's just the way life is. But why are you called sick or crazy for deciding that you don't want to be a part of it? I'm not saying life should conform to my desires and will and be all sunshine and rainbows. I'm saying we should have the choice if we want to participate or not. No one judges you for putting down a book when you're just not enjoying it. Yes, I understand that deciding to not read a book and CTB are very different things as choosing not to read a book doesn't harm anyone while CTB typically touches many people's lives, but I think you understand my point. I honestly believe some people are just born unable to handle life, no matter how hard they try. It's not somehting I fault them for (I'm one of them, afterall). I have memories of wanting to die going back to being a toddler. Nothing bad happened, just didn't want to live. I'm sure I have a lot of good memories, but it's really fucked up and from what I can tell not normal to have these feelings that young and for them to be consistent your whole life. It just pisses me off that evryone is allowed to decide that I'm too much and that they can leave because I'm sick, but then they won't... just let me be sick??? Like, ok, I'm sick, you're right. Then don't judge me for wanitng to CTB.

Thanks for reading

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand as all I want is to be gone, I just wish to be free from this torturous, cruel and deeply undesirable existence that I never would had chosen and I see so much cruelty in how the option to cease existing painlessly is denied with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, all I want is the peace of an eternal sleep.

 

[lawlietsph]

I can relate to every single word.
Been to therapy, seen at least 6-8 doctors.
Took antidepressants for years.
Now I know what's causing my pain but I still want to die. Nothing changed.
Yeah maybe on the medication i was not so sensitive and it made me kinda numb, that's it.
Every single second and every step i take is pure suffering. PURE torture. The feeling of waking up in the morning, oh maaaaan the pain i feel every goddamn day...
I don't have better days, I just have days when nothing is triggering me. That's it.
Sn doesn't seem like a good idea anymore... hanging naah, jumping hell no, but what else then? i don't want any complicated shit, I just want to push a button and die.

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

I can relate to every single word.
Been to therapy, seen at least 6-8 doctors.
Took antidepressants for years.
Now I know what's causing my pain but I still want to die. Nothing changed.
Yeah maybe on the medication i was not so sensitive and it made me kinda numb, that's it.
Every single second and every step i take is pure suffering. PURE torture. The feeling of waking up in the morning, oh maaaaan the pain i feel every goddamn day...
I don't have better days, I just have days when nothing is triggering me. That's it.
Sn doesn't seem like a good idea anymore... hanging naah, jumping hell no, but what else then? i don't want any complicated shit, I just want to push a button and die.

Very well put. I don't have better days, I just have days where nothing triggers me. But the days that I do? Oh, boy, am I fucked. I try so many coping mechanisms and nothing works and it's so damn frustrating. I've been stuck on methods for a while now, too. Can't get my hands on SN, can't find my arteries for hanging (my arteries don't appear to be as shallow as normal peoples as it's difficult to find them with even my fingers and applying enough pressure is even more difficult), can't purchase a firearm, so my only option seems to be jumping... which there is a bridge near me that would ensure a successful CTB. But the spot is popular and I would more likely than not have to do it in front of people in broad daylight. I really don't want to traumatize people, but if I hit "fuck it", well...

I really understand as all I want is to be gone, I just wish to be free from this torturous, cruel and deeply undesirable existence that I never would had chosen and I see so much cruelty in how the option to cease existing painlessly is denied with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, all I want is the peace of an eternal sleep.

I think it's legitimately insane how badly we try to keep people alive. I understand it's a survival instinct, but we're humans and can understand that lifelong suffering is horrible and can reason it's not worth it. Think about elderly people. Life expectancy has increased dramatically so it makes sense that there are a lot more elderly people. I'm referring to American culture specifically when I say this but we TORTURE them. I have a 90-year-old neighbor who is bedridden and has to be taken care of by her daughters. Now if this woman wants to continue living in these conditions, more power to her, but holy shit I think lot of people would just rather be dead at that point. You basically are! Like, WHY do people even want to live so long? Dying is just part of life, it's the one, single truth. And society refuses to accept it. And it frustrates me so much more because with modern advancements we can make death virtually painless but we just choose not to. We would literally rather put people through multiple years or possibly even decades of pain than just let them go even though we will have to eventually anyways. I don't think it's ever for the benefit of the person suffering, I think it's only for the people surviving them. What's fucked up is that I'm the youngest out of almost everyone I know, friends and family. So I'm being asked to literally take on all of their deaths before my own while suffering myself. Right, and I'M the selfish one. I just thought of this, but we literally show PETS more mercy than people. If our dog is old or sick, putting them down is an option on the table because we can see their suffering and know it's for the best. But with people? Nooooooo. And it's REALLY fucked up when you factor in that the dog can't even communicate it wants to die, you're just recognizing the condition it's in and deciding that it's for the best. Whereas a person can perfectly verbalize if they desire to die, but then just be put on life support because??? What? Life is still worth living? Everyone has to decide what makes life worth living for themselves and a lot of people decide that it just isn't, but our opinion on the subject isn't respected because it's not an "acceptable" answer.

Sorry, went on another mini tangent