Provoking spontanous ctb?

[never mind me]

As the title suggests I am considering collecting the means for a comfortable ctb and then waiting till I feel really low again in order to proceed. My method of choice would be a mixed fentanyl/benzodiazepine overdose. I still have some benzodiazepines at home, but would need to get the fentanyl. As a recreational drug user I know some folks who are into drugs, so I could probably get my hands on enough fentanyl within a few weeks, if I decide to go down this path. I have been considering this option for more than a year now (or basically since fentanyl became really common among opoid users), but so far I didn't dare make a move, because I am wondering, if I would be tempted to ctb out of a temporary bad mood.
But now I am wondering, if that was actually such a bad thing? After all I have had recurring thoughts about ctb for 20 years now. In general I would say that life became somewhat easier for me during these 20 years. There are still times when I feel like I want to die, but it is not all the time like it was in my late teens. Actually there were times when I was really happy to be alive, too. At the moment I am somewhere in the middle: I don't feel absolutely awful, but I still feel quite alone and have plenty of anxiety about the future. Maybe that's not enough of a reason to wish to ctb. But then I wonder, if one should consider ctb a bad idea, if I have had this wish for most of my life and practitcally all of my adult life?
The thing is, even without the fentanyl I still have an option for ctb. I live by myself and could easily hang myself inside my flat. As I also practice rock climbing, I have ropes at home and know how to tie a solid knot. I am just very scared about being in a panic during the last concious moments of my life. That's why I would prefer a fentanyl/benzodiazepine overdose.
More than 10 years ago I very spontanously tested my option of hanging myself after coming down from a weird mix of drugs (DOI, MDMA, amphetamines, weed, diphenhydramine), but stopped this test run after accidentally almost stepping off the chair I had stepped on for putting the noose around my neck. After this experience I became a bit more reluctant about pushing my plans for cth too far. This incidence happend in a time when I felt relatively good, so it was basically only triggered by the weird mix of drugs I had taken.
However, in general I wouldn't consider myself to be an impulsive person. Only on drugs I somethimes have weird ideas or do weird things that I normally wouldn't do. So I guess as long as I make a deal with myself not to decide on ctb while intoxicated I could probably collect the fentanyl and still only use it, if I really wish to do it, even if the decision is relatively spontanous.
As I have ne children or pets there is nothing to organise prior to ctb. Actually I find it quite reassuring that probably none of my friends or even my partner will ever know when or how I died, because authorities would only contact my mother who doesn't know anyone I know. And if I do the overdose thing even my mother will think that it was an accidental overdose (not that I care much about her). Any thougths?

 

[FadeToBlack1109]

I've had very similar thoughts. I've gathered everything I need to finally ctb and I don't see any future where it doesn't happen. But I still haven't done it, for reasons I can't really explain myself.

I've been thinking about provoking myself to do it, too. Maybe writing down all my reasons to ctb. Remind myself of how bad it really is. Force myself into my trauma through music, photos, etc. Just so I'll finally do it.

But then, another user on here reminded me that suicide isn't something you should push yourself to do. Maybe it's not our time yet and that's a good thing. It's great we got a ticket for this bus, but nobody's forcing us to hop on.

If you're not ready to do it right now, then don't. If you have to provoke yourself to do it, it's simply not your time yet. I'm not trying to sway your decision in any way, but I feel like we're in the same boat (or bus)

 

[hedezev4]

I thought about this and already understood for myself that making any difficult decisions is incredibly hard for me and that I need something to push me. For me any difficult action is a puzzle of how to force myself to do it. I can put off necessary actions for years. This is a downside of the SN method. A two-day period during which it is easy to change your mind. If you firmly decide on CTB, understand why you are doing it and that it is the right decision without considering emotions. In any case part of your brain will always be against CTB no matter what. So it is better to do it under impulse so that something bad happens like the death of close ones, breakups, illness and so on. And while there is a strong desire to act it is better to do it at that moment. Or as I heard you can try to trick SI by trying not to think or thinking about something else, doing CTB automatically as if you are doing something normal. I saw a couple of videos of partial hangings where people held the rope with their hands as if they only wanted to try the sensation of hanging but then consciousness suddenly was lost and their hands fell down. Ideally it should all be done within 5 minutes no more. I already tried to make an attempt and on the day of CTB I could not force myself to go to the hotel and canceled everything. That is my experience maybe yours is different.


I want to say that it is worth having such a quick CTB method within 5 minutes when everything is at hand only if you are sure this is what you want. If you have doubts it is better not to have access to such a method.