Venting Procrastinating everything, even my suicide

[nowizard]

hi. this is just me ranting my thoughts into the void without being worried that someone's gonna report it.
i'm supposed to ctb on wednesday, i have the method planned out, for months now. but my depression has made it incredibly difficult to move, or get out of bed, or anything. i have an appointment at a job application center (?lol) with my social worker on thursday to find a perspective for my future. which i only agreed to because in my head, i would've been dead by then. but since i haven't been able to do the necessary preparations for my suicide, ill probably have to move my ctb date and it's frustrating me. realistically i could just scrap the little details and just get it over with but it feels like if i don't do it according to plan i'll doom myself into failure AGAIN. every time i try to get myself to get up and do those things my body just feels to tired too, ive been sleeping a fuck ton, my eating disorder has been plaguing my mind even more the closer the date comes, as if my own brain is taunting me. telling me my physical body isn't ready for death yet. why am i fueling a body im ready to give up in a couple days?? ack, i don't want this to turn into an ed centered post.

and as lonely as my life has been, ive never felt chattier as the day of my suicide is approaching. (despite my doubts of actually attempting that day)
but i cant talk to people without regretting it and feeling like a burden. an annoying disturbance in their day. i'm an adult, all of this shouldn't be this hard, no??

beside the personal hell ive been trying to stay alive through, the world around me just seems to be getting worse day by day. seeing all these horrible news from all over the globe makes me wonder how there arent more people losing their minds and trying to end it. ignorance is truly bliss i guess? i really don't want to live in a world where all of this is happening but nothing actually changes. but maybe ive just turned into a cynical pessimist.

my only comfort these days is music and repeating the phrase "it'll all be over soon".
song rec w great lyrics (it's vocaloid, beware lmao) :

thanks for caring enough to read until here :]

 

[hurb]

Hi , i understand exactly how u feel.
When u said why am i feeding a body im rdy to give up on , it reminded me of my realization.
See personally speaking I have nothing against , actually im grateful for it , its the only person that was there for me when no one was. U could agree its my best friend. So i rather not see it get weaker and in pain. Im feedin git because its sorta my bff. Obviously if i hang myself it would hurt my body but its insta pain instead of slow miserable one.
U said u never felt chattier, i feel the same.
Because deep down all it takes is people around u that understand us in a very deep lvl. And it feels almost impossible to find these specially irl. Because what we need more than anything rn isnt just online texting , but actual real life friendships.
I feel you , im genuinely so unmotivated to even ctb. Its bad

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Procrastinating my suicide is what I do all day. I keep telling myself it's tonight in order to feel immediate relief. But when I'm on the chair I will almost certainly not follow through.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Thanks in part to coffee, I have horrible days. I just want to writhe in anxiety and not do anything--even make an attempt. At the end of the day I feel some relief and can sleep. But that only restarts the misery. What I should do is take my evening calm and hang myself. It's so easy to put on a podcast, snuggle up in my blankets, and let it happen again. I need a little willpower now.