NSFW pro tip, dont give blowjobs if you don't have any self esteem

[monetpompo]

4 the monet heads that follow my page this is the album i'm listening to rn
it was my favorite album when i was a college freshman!!​

"At least I'm not fucking random guys again" comes to mind in times of great despair. It's pretty much the only way to avoid sinking lower than I already have after getting into arguments with people close to me to make them hate me and then acting like I don't feel guilty about it by avoiding them instead of apologizing for getting upset at them. 20 seems so far from 18. I'm gaining weight more and I keep on wishing I could go back to 3 years ago so I could redo my freshman year of college so I don't fail all my beginner courses. All I did was jerk off when I was a freshman because my libido was at a all-time high and I was cripplingly lonely. My libido has noticeably lowered when I thought it would never go down, but I also think that's because I'm too anxious about never being worth anyone's time for them to have sex with me.

Being able to have sex with random, much older guys in the area didn't make me any better as a person and no one wanted to be friends with me just because I took my clothes off. It was an easy way to feel wanted, though. I could consent in the technical sense where I would say, "Yes, I want to have sex", but I could also distance myself from the part of my brain that never found any of the people I was having sex with attractive. In that sense, I didn't really deserve to actually date anyone or form real, human relationships. I could just have sex with people that wanted to have sex with me, that gave me a time and day, and said, "You're cute". Bare minimum, base line, rock bottom. Sex isn't all there is and hardly ever matters in the grand scheme of things. It actually makes your life worse if you're having casual sex when dealing with chronic depression, because you can't cope with something that makes you feel worse. It's so painful being ghosted. It's so painful being queer. I don't want to have sex if people tune out everything I say until I have sex again, but I'm also afraid of someone caring about me when they could leave just like the ones who used me for sex did. The latter, the ones who just wanted sex, end up being more simple and less frightening. Transient things don't matter, but things that stay longer do.

I have sex for the company. It's always been like that. It's not good company, because things get tangled if they don't stay simple. Even when things are simple, just having sex to have sex, it hurts when they leave you for someone else or when they stop having time for you. It's human nature to miss people and that's really awful, but it feels so cruel to look for random people to use because I want someone back in my life. I'm better off alone if all I do is self-destruct. There's hardly that much of a difference between virgin me and post-hookup me, besides more regret and a few people in town I hope I never meet again. I do think that virgins kind of stake a lot on getting laid for the first time. I got laid for the first time in the back of a guy's car, I was jittery and nervous and I thought it was suuuupper romantic because "A guy was kissing me and stuff!!". Thinking about it makes me embarrassed now. I guess I wouldn't have gotten laid before that, since I was too anxious to ever date people, but it led to such a toxic behavior pattern and even a change in my mindset. I kept on thinking on how I could get guys to bang me because I kept on wanting to feel important, even though I never would if I kept on having sex with guys to like myself. The feeling of having someone want to have sex with you feels better than sex itself, I think. One night, with someone I don't talk to anymore, I said "I don't want to be alone forever" because I couldn't sleep at night. I often had insomnia whenever I stayed over at anyone's place. I would just stare at the ceiling or sit on the side of the bed looking at my phone. He said, "You're not going to be alone forever". I think about it sometimes when I'm really lonely, where I felt afraid of being lonely when I was right next to someone. I felt like I could phase out of reality itself sometimes, since I didn't really exist to anyone at all. I hate when people are nice to me, because it makes me miss them. It makes me wish that everyone would just be mean to me so I never miss anyone again.

 

[tinybrokenfingers]

reading this really resonated with me; you're not alone in feeling this way. being queer is fucking hard, especially being queer and lonely in a world that constantly puts all the odds are against you. when you're repeatedly beaten down by societal messaging that tells you youre wrong for feeling this way, both queer and depressed, sex feels like such an easy out, a "fuck you" to the world at large, proving yourself to be autonomous over your body and choices, and worthy of the physical intimacy that depression tells you you're not worthy for. but as you've said, that's hardly the reality of the situation once its said and done.

i was around your age when i was doing similar stuff, hooking with random people, casual sex, etc. i had dropped out of my freshman year of college because of a suicide attempt after being involved in a sexually abusive relationship. but for some reason, despite all that, and all the warning signs that having sex again would not make me feel better, for some fucking reason i still hooked up with strangers. it felt as if i was priming my life to be nothing but a path of self-destruction. it didnt make any sense, but i needed to feel like i was someone worth loving, even if it was at the most basic, carnal level of love.

when you wrote "I'm better off alone if all I do is self-destruct" i honestly started tearing up, and following that up with "The feeling of having someone want to have sex with you feels better than sex itself", made me burst out crying. ive never read anything that more accurately and succinctly sums up this exact experience, and having that put to words by someone else was invaluable.

you are worthy of healthy love, and i believe you can find it. i don't mean to repeat what was already told to you, but when it's the truth i think it's important to reiterate: you are not going to be alone forever. i wish you luck in your life, i can tell that you're a very bright person with a lot of potential. you're a phenomenal writer btw :)

 

[Carrot]

Catchy title, althought it's obviously about casual sex and not the blowjobs in particular.

Reletable in certain ways, I don't have much to say.

 

[monetpompo]

Catchy title, althought it's obviously about casual sex and not the blowjobs in particular.

the joke is that i never have to look at an ugly guy's face if i'm givin them head