Well what a day
I struggled to sleep last night but as the morning came I finally got some rest.
Very lucid dreams.
In the dreams I was paying attention to see how much I remembered.
Odd because it's like as a little time went on I knew it was a dream but instead of trying to wake up I just went along and studied things to see what I could recall once awake.
The bad dream was due to what happened to me yesterday.
I received my eviction notice. It said I have 3 days to leave or they will begin the process to get me out.
I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it did. I felt like a loser and a failure. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I just tried to relax because as horrible as this is, everything is falling into place.
I haven't spoken to any family at all last week.
Odd that today my grandmother and mother called me.
Grandmother called me for a favor, and I knew that when I heard her voice mail.
But I waited hours to call back as I normally would.
Sure enough, she was asking me for a favor and rambling on about nothing.
As she spoke and I stayed silent, it reminded me why I must die.
See now that's she's old she wants to talk to me and wants me to visit.
But I remember all those days of feeling uncomfortable in her home.
Unwanted
A burden
Her personal do girl.
But most days were silence. We weren't and aren't a family. Just related. So I find it odd that now you want to talk and visit as if you built that kind of relationship.
I'll give credit that many times there were there for me, but it doesn't outweigh the fact that they aren't a loving, caring family. I have to accept their love language, but my love language is considered needy, weak...etc.
No compromise on loving me how I needed to be loved... even if it's for my betterment because that's just who you are. So why are you so confused when you don't hear from me or see me.
I let her ramble, and it confirms she has no idea that I was fired and evicted.
All I could think as she went on is please let this work because I don't wanna be the old lady who goes on and on once someone comes around because I go weeks without speaking to anyone.
Then my mother called. She has no idea either that I was fired and got my eviction letter. I found out she's actually supposed to be going out of town.
I did feel a little bad because she may not get to go on her trip if I should have happened to be found.
She has a trip planned for Friday and one for the end of June.
My grandmother birthday is on the 11th.
So either they will find me by or before the 11th or they won't find me till early July.
I'm not sure and kinda don't care.
I feel a little bad about the timing, but it all seems to be working towards my benefit and my plan.
It was odd knowing that as I talked to them, they didn't realize they got the chance to hear my voice one last time.
I'm still not sure if I want to write a goodbye letter to anyone as they should know my situation. If they don't, that's just a prime example of why I want out of this family.
Maybe once I die, I'll fully be able to let go. I don't know. I'm definitely torn by it.
But it's always been a situation where I have to do what's best for me and so I'm doing that.
This isn't about hurting anyone.
It's about me not continuing on and enduring more hurt than I can bare.
It's time now.
I've packed up alot. I'm finishing up final plans.
I'm working with a special person to inform you guys of how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing.
I'll be taking just SN..Maybe a antacid but I decided to go the simple route.
I've been fasting since yesterday morning. I haven't eaten or drink anything. I may have a little water later but honestly I haven't felt like it.
I'm nervous because I think my last attempt has some small effects.
I tend to get heart flutters and my throat gets dry so I cough alot. Especially because I go days without speaking.
I took a long hot shower...I used peppermint oil and shower steamers to relax me. I'm gonna take out the remaining trash and tidy up a bit.
But moving things out should be easy because everything is boxed up and I bought a trolly to help with the bigger items. Should take them no more than a hour to get stuff out.
I tested my SN from DMC and it's good.
They sealed it up very well. I put some in bottles so if I should fail I have some to try again with and I have my second bag that I will use for my attempt.
Test results posted below.
I do ask that when the time comes...please don't say I'm sorry or I'm sorry it came to this.
I do wish it would of happened how I wanted but it didn't.
All that matters is its happening now.
I've wanted this for a long time.
I just want well wishes and good energy and tell the universe to let my death be as quick and painless as possible.
Be happy and loving and celebrate because I didn't get much of that over my life so now is when I need it the most. I'm not CTB...I'm Uber Black
Love
Mi Mi
I struggled to sleep last night but as the morning came I finally got some rest.
Very lucid dreams.
In the dreams I was paying attention to see how much I remembered.
Odd because it's like as a little time went on I knew it was a dream but instead of trying to wake up I just went along and studied things to see what I could recall once awake.
The bad dream was due to what happened to me yesterday.
I received my eviction notice. It said I have 3 days to leave or they will begin the process to get me out.
I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it did. I felt like a loser and a failure. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I just tried to relax because as horrible as this is, everything is falling into place.
I haven't spoken to any family at all last week.
Odd that today my grandmother and mother called me.
Grandmother called me for a favor, and I knew that when I heard her voice mail.
But I waited hours to call back as I normally would.
Sure enough, she was asking me for a favor and rambling on about nothing.
As she spoke and I stayed silent, it reminded me why I must die.
See now that's she's old she wants to talk to me and wants me to visit.
But I remember all those days of feeling uncomfortable in her home.
Unwanted
A burden
Her personal do girl.
But most days were silence. We weren't and aren't a family. Just related. So I find it odd that now you want to talk and visit as if you built that kind of relationship.
I'll give credit that many times there were there for me, but it doesn't outweigh the fact that they aren't a loving, caring family. I have to accept their love language, but my love language is considered needy, weak...etc.
No compromise on loving me how I needed to be loved... even if it's for my betterment because that's just who you are. So why are you so confused when you don't hear from me or see me.
I let her ramble, and it confirms she has no idea that I was fired and evicted.
All I could think as she went on is please let this work because I don't wanna be the old lady who goes on and on once someone comes around because I go weeks without speaking to anyone.
Then my mother called. She has no idea either that I was fired and got my eviction letter. I found out she's actually supposed to be going out of town.
I did feel a little bad because she may not get to go on her trip if I should have happened to be found.
She has a trip planned for Friday and one for the end of June.
My grandmother birthday is on the 11th.
So either they will find me by or before the 11th or they won't find me till early July.
I'm not sure and kinda don't care.
I feel a little bad about the timing, but it all seems to be working towards my benefit and my plan.
It was odd knowing that as I talked to them, they didn't realize they got the chance to hear my voice one last time.
I'm still not sure if I want to write a goodbye letter to anyone as they should know my situation. If they don't, that's just a prime example of why I want out of this family.
Maybe once I die, I'll fully be able to let go. I don't know. I'm definitely torn by it.
But it's always been a situation where I have to do what's best for me and so I'm doing that.
This isn't about hurting anyone.
It's about me not continuing on and enduring more hurt than I can bare.
It's time now.
I've packed up alot. I'm finishing up final plans.
I'm working with a special person to inform you guys of how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing.
I'll be taking just SN..Maybe a antacid but I decided to go the simple route.
I've been fasting since yesterday morning. I haven't eaten or drink anything. I may have a little water later but honestly I haven't felt like it.
I'm nervous because I think my last attempt has some small effects.
I tend to get heart flutters and my throat gets dry so I cough alot. Especially because I go days without speaking.
I took a long hot shower...I used peppermint oil and shower steamers to relax me. I'm gonna take out the remaining trash and tidy up a bit.
But moving things out should be easy because everything is boxed up and I bought a trolly to help with the bigger items. Should take them no more than a hour to get stuff out.
I tested my SN from DMC and it's good.
They sealed it up very well. I put some in bottles so if I should fail I have some to try again with and I have my second bag that I will use for my attempt.
Test results posted below.
I do ask that when the time comes...please don't say I'm sorry or I'm sorry it came to this.
I do wish it would of happened how I wanted but it didn't.
All that matters is its happening now.
I've wanted this for a long time.
I just want well wishes and good energy and tell the universe to let my death be as quick and painless as possible.
Be happy and loving and celebrate because I didn't get much of that over my life so now is when I need it the most. I'm not CTB...I'm Uber Black
Love
Mi Mi
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