Pre-attempt thoughts thread (attempt date oct 1)

[jakerjays]

Just sort of starting this thread to list a bunch of my thoughts, honestly. It's currently the evening of September 29th and my date is October 1st.
I wasn't really thinking of suicide much the last few days, infact I made a post about it here, but it's definitely started to be on my mind more recently.
I've been excited more than anything, though. This has been something I've been wanting to do for... a really long time and I'm hoping I've sort of figured out (based on previous attempts) what will work this time.
On wednesday I'll be quite busy, which should help with potential fear not stirring up too much. I'm going to university in the morning and going out for a bit after that, then I'll go home and drop off my shit, get some food and then kill myself, I guess. The train should be with me at around 8pm.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I can't really remember. I don't have a suicide note to write, I wrote one last time and couldn't get it to work whatsoever. I just have to write my details on some paper and make a note of who I'd like my laptop to go to, since that's really the only possession that I have somebody in mind for.
I also have to decide if I'm gonna sit or stand. Sitting seems harder to do but more fatal, standing is the opposite. I'm unsure. I don't know if it even really matters when a train is hurling right at you. If anybody has any input, please feel free to provide. I'd decide when I'm there but I don't wanna become frozen as I try to make a decision.

I'll keep updating this thread as more things come to mind.

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments ot replies to be honest. I haven't had any sort of... connection recently.
Thank you for being here :)

 

[MissAbyss]

Same, October 1st. It will be my second attempt. First attempt I was calm and determined, now I feel nervous whole day! I try to distract myself as much as possible.

What about you?

 

[PI3.14]

Sorry it had come to this. What's your story? If you don't mind me asking ofc

 

[jakerjays]

Same, October 1st. It will be my second attempt. First attempt I was calm and determined, now I feel nervous whole day! I try to distract myself as much as possible.

What about you?

I was so so nervous during my first attempt honestly! For my second one, something had come up on the day which kind of threw me off and I think ultimately it was the reason I backed out.
I'm definitely trying to distract myself. My other two attempts I figured it would be nice to kind of... sit at my spot for a while and ponder, but I actually think that worked against me.

How are you feeling about it?

Sorry it had come to this. What's your story? If you don't mind me asking ofc

God, it's much less interesting than I'm sure other peoples are.

I'll try my best to summarise things! I'm a student artist, I've studied art formally for 8 years now and its kind of... my thing? No other hobbies really stuck and art has kind of become my life, it's definitely what kept me going for a while, it upset me the thought that if I died, I'd have to leave it behind. I have lots of pets too and I've really been getting into comics recently.
There's not really any clear or tragic exterior circumstances that I think have made me suicidal, just kind of an unfortunate and slow building combination of being alienated and also having no support. I think, in a way, I just feel incompatible with life, likely largely due to having autism and bipolar disorder. It's hard to live functionally knowing that at any minute things could kind of... come crashing down again. I've been fixated on suicide since I was really young ( I suspect that my suicidal ideology may be chronic ) and I suppose recently it kind of struck me that it doesn't just have to be an idea...? Like, I'm not 13 anymore, I really can just let it all go.

Hopefully that was sort of what you wanted! I really appreciate your reply :)

 

[MissAbyss]

I was so so nervous during my first attempt honestly! For my second one, something had come up on the day which kind of threw me off and I think ultimately it was the reason I backed out.
I'm definitely trying to distract myself. My other two attempts I figured it would be nice to kind of... sit at my spot for a while and ponder, but I actually think that worked against me.

How are you feeling about it?

Well, everything is arranged and setup in place.

First attempt, I was gasping for air. I hope/want to lose consciousness soon, so I backed out. Now I have the right knot, slides better. So this time it should work.

But suddenly, the feeling of the "unknown" creeps in. I initially thought about doing it impulsively this time to avoid SI but unfortunately, I'm a control freak, so that's not going to work.

 

[itsgone2]

Just sort of starting this thread to list a bunch of my thoughts, honestly. It's currently the evening of September 29th and my date is October 1st.
I wasn't really thinking of suicide much the last few days, infact I made a post about it here, but it's definitely started to be on my mind more recently.
I've been excited more than anything, though. This has been something I've been wanting to do for... a really long time and I'm hoping I've sort of figured out (based on previous attempts) what will work this time.
On wednesday I'll be quite busy, which should help with potential fear not stirring up too much. I'm going to university in the morning and going out for a bit after that, then I'll go home and drop off my shit, get some food and then kill myself, I guess. The train should be with me at around 8pm.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I can't really remember. I don't have a suicide note to write, I wrote one last time and couldn't get it to work whatsoever. I just have to write my details on some paper and make a note of who I'd like my laptop to go to, since that's really the only possession that I have somebody in mind for.
I also have to decide if I'm gonna sit or stand. Sitting seems harder to do but more fatal, standing is the opposite. I'm unsure. I don't know if it even really matters when a train is hurling right at you. If anybody has any input, please feel free to provide. I'd decide when I'm there but I don't wanna become frozen as I try to make a decision.

I'll keep updating this thread as more things come to mind.

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments ot replies to be honest. I haven't had any sort of... connection recently.
Thank you for being here :)

just wanted to say that other than this plan your day doesn't sound so bad. But I'm not in your shoes. What do you mean when you say things could come crashing down again? Because of the bpd?

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

Just sort of starting this thread to list a bunch of my thoughts, honestly. It's currently the evening of September 29th and my date is October 1st.
I wasn't really thinking of suicide much the last few days, infact I made a post about it here, but it's definitely started to be on my mind more recently.
I've been excited more than anything, though. This has been something I've been wanting to do for... a really long time and I'm hoping I've sort of figured out (based on previous attempts) what will work this time.
On wednesday I'll be quite busy, which should help with potential fear not stirring up too much. I'm going to university in the morning and going out for a bit after that, then I'll go home and drop off my shit, get some food and then kill myself, I guess. The train should be with me at around 8pm.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I can't really remember. I don't have a suicide note to write, I wrote one last time and couldn't get it to work whatsoever. I just have to write my details on some paper and make a note of who I'd like my laptop to go to, since that's really the only possession that I have somebody in mind for.
I also have to decide if I'm gonna sit or stand. Sitting seems harder to do but more fatal, standing is the opposite. I'm unsure. I don't know if it even really matters when a train is hurling right at you. If anybody has any input, please feel free to provide. I'd decide when I'm there but I don't wanna become frozen as I try to make a decision.

I'll keep updating this thread as more things come to mind.

I'd really appreciate any sort of comments ot replies to be honest. I haven't had any sort of... connection recently.
Thank you for being here :)

I'm planning on doing it soon too. I wish everything goes as planned for you and that you find peace<3

 

[jakerjays]

I'm planning on doing it soon too. I wish everything goes as planned for you and that you find peace<3

Thank you, honestly all that I wish is that it goes as planned. I'm prepared to risk surviving but it certainly wouldn't be ideal.

just wanted to say that other than this plan your day doesn't sound so bad. But I'm not in your shoes. What do you mean when you say things could come crashing down again? Because of the bpd?

Yeah, because of my bipolar disorder. And I never claimed that any part of my life was bad. It's not. I'm actually very privledged, this just feels right for me. It's what I want to do.

Well, everything is arranged and setup in place.

First attempt, I was gasping for air. I hope/want to lose consciousness soon, so I backed out. Now I have the right knot, slides better. So this time it should work.

But suddenly, the feeling of the "unknown" creeps in. I initially thought about doing it impulsively this time to avoid SI but unfortunately, I'm a control freak, so that's not going to work.

I'm the exact same. I know that doing it impulsively would probably work much better, but I'd be held up by being worried that theres things I should do first that I might have forgotten and generally being unprepared would probably make me just as uneasy as facing SI head on.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

Thank you, honestly all that I wish is that it goes as planned. I'm prepared to risk surviving but it certainly wouldn't be ideal.

Yeah, because of my bipolar disorder. And I never claimed that any part of my life was bad. It's not. I'm actually very privledged, this just feels right for me. It's what I want to do.

I understand your worry. You've mentionned you were planning on sittimg in front of a train? I was just wondering, doesn't it make more riskier in the sense that the driver might see you on the tracks too early?

 

[jakerjays]

I understand your worry. You've mentionned you were planning on sittimg in front of a train? I was just wondering, doesn't it make more riskier in the sense that the driver might see you on the tracks too early?

It typically would, yes. Fortunately, the specific spot I have in mind is in a wooded area and comes shortly after a blind corner.
If I position myself where I intend to, then the driver won't see me until the train is around 10 meters infront of me (at most). Either way, trains take a very long time to stop. The driver would have to see me very prematurely to end up stopping (or slowing enough that my condition would be more... salvagable) before it gets to me.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

It typically would, yes. Fortunately, the specific spot I have in mind is in a wooded area and comes shortly after a blind corner.
If I position myself where I intend to, then the driver won't see me until the train is around 10 meters infront of me (at most). Either way, trains take a very long time to stop. The driver would have to see me very prematurely to end up stopping (or slowing enough that my condition would be more... salvagable) before it gets to me.

The way you describe it, it seems managable indeed. I'm thinling of the train as a last resort. The annoying part is, you only get infos by yourself since your method will highly depend on the country, city and region you're in
I just wish it was easier yk.

How are you feeling now? I feel like i only get weirdly more excited to each step getting me closer to ctb

 

[itsgone2]

Thank you, honestly all that I wish is that it goes as planned. I'm prepared to risk surviving but it certainly wouldn't be ideal.

Yeah, because of my bipolar disorder. And I never claimed that any part of my life was bad. It's not. I'm actually very privledged, this just feels right for me. It's what I want to do

I feel very badly for you then. My life is bad in many ways so I just want to escape it. It's more tragic for you, having the opposite but still wanting to pass on from this place. I have known good times and how good life can be. Bpd is truly awful then.

 

[jakerjays]

The way you describe it, it seems managable indeed. I'm thinling of the train as a last resort. The annoying part is, you only get infos by yourself since your method will highly depend on the country, city and region you're in
I just wish it was easier yk.

How are you feeling now? I feel like i only get weirdly more excited to each step getting me closer to ctb

Yeah, I've also found it annoying that there aren't really many train suicide guides... I guess it's self explanatory, you just stand there and it hits you, but I'm such an extensive planner. I want to see all the reports on successful attempts, info about speed and types of trains.

I'm feeling okay I guess! I'm definitely leaning towards more excited than scared.
I'm in that phase of feeling a lot of relief. I have so much constant anxiety and worries for my future and relationships and just the thought that it'll all go away is amazing. The only time I really get upset is when I think of my mum, I don't really have anyone else I care about, but at the end of the day I'll be dead. She'll be devastated, but... that's not really something I have to worry about (as selfish as it sounds). I can't just keep living a life I don't want in order to not upset her.

I feel very badly for you then. My life is bad in many ways so I just want to escape it. It's more tragic for you, having the opposite but still wanting to pass on from this place. I have known good times and how good life can be. Bpd is truly awful then.

It's sort of why I've started to come to the conclusion that something about the way I am just isnt compatible with... functioning. My life isn't perfect but I've got it pretty good and yet I still want to die. I don't want to get better or change, I genuinely just want to get worse or die. It's quite sad. I'm sorry life has been rough on you, genuinely.