Possible CTB situation - out of nowhere!

[indianachrome]

I'm a 45 y/o male who has been through mental health struggles in the past and was suicidal 5 years ago dealing with failed marriage and career. After a nervous breakdown I reinvented myself and found a new career that was very lucrative and fun; also extremely flexible with schedule. Then last year I was involved in a serious car accident and required several surgeries. I was doing incredibly well and traveling the world with my girlfriend; all this after the accident even. I was pain free and looking forward to just getting on with my life when I did a dangerous stretch to my sensitive spine in Physical Therapy and my life has been ruined ever since. This was 8 weeks ago. I cannot sit without pain. Cannot sleep on my side without pain. Physical Therapists all lie and say "You are going to be fine" but the pain persists throughout my butt and my spine. Now the surgeon wants to consider more surgery and I'm not interested.

My issue with CTB is I have a 13 y/o son who would be destroyed. My daughter wouldn't care that much. And i have an adoring beautiful girlfriend who would be devastated. Plus my father has been my rock during my journey and would be stricken with grief.

But I can't find a new career and don't want to never be able to sit again. I can't take opiates because I have a history of severe alcoholism. My life is like groundhog day. Laying in bed, getting on the ground to stretch and then getting back in bed. I should be out working but I can't even come close. I wish I could just disappear.