heroine
bound by the fetters of attachment
- Feb 4, 2025
- 26
do NOT tell me anything like get over it or tell me tp try and move on or anything like that. please don't. it won't do any good and will only aggravate me more
I have bpd. I have an fp. he also has bpd. we were online friends for over a year and were very very close and talked every single day. we have gone through a lot together and he says I'm his best friend and his favorite. in the past months I have been suffering over because he got a new friend group and stadted spending much more quality time with them than he did me. said friend group is also online, he doesn't have irl friends and I only have one. we still talked a lot, very often, and he was always very kind to me and told me he loved me (platonically; we were just friends and I do not and have never felt anything romantic towards him) and praised me and stuff but conversations became repetitive and he started going to them and only them about things he'd formerly mostly do and talk about with me. and he did all these activities and stuff with them that he hardly, if ever did with me. even before this, I have suffered because of his other friends. I have attempted to mold myself and my personality to make him like me more and pay more attention to me, it never worked out.
he has promised to tell me if i do something he doesn't like, always. so there was no miscommunication on his end and no broken boundaries, because he didnt set any and told me if i did something he doesnt want me to do hed tell me so i could stop. because i told him to do that because i want to be a good friend. when I expressed feeling like he doesn't need me and likes his other friends more, he always said thats not true and tried to reassure me and etc. and he told me he would try to and wanted to be better for me because he loves me. but actions speak louder than words and no matter how much reassurance he gave me the things I mentioned in the other paragraph never stopped it was unbearable.
he told me he'd always love me and never leave me or anything like that. he promised multiple times and even told me I'm his favorite out of all his friends and if I said he liked them more he'd say that's not true. he has always been a kind person and I've tried my hardest to do things for him and help him and give him advice and support him in everything and give him endless praise and listen whenever he needed something. even with all of my fears and etc I was always reasonable whenever he gave genuine reasons for not responding to me or not doing the things he said he'd do. even if I was still upset, for example one time he didn't respond to me and was being dry in a conversation and I was upset, but he told me it was because his girlfriend is having a really bad breakdown (through text), and I hate his girlfriend and didn't care but nonetheless I said it's okay and waited for it to be over because it'd be unreasonable to still be upset. I was never really irrational or anything. at least I don't think I was, and he promised to tell me if I did something he didn't like or made him uncomfortable or anything like that. I've never openly expressed dislike towards any of his other friends near him or anything like that and have always been civil and normal whenever i had to interact with them. im sure he knew i hate his other friends because he knows the kind of person i am regarding things like that very well. but i never said anything because I knew he wouldn't like that.
I have horrible trust issues that have been amplified because of a recent situation I'd prefer to not get into detail about. he knows this. I have a lot of trouble believing him or anything he says because of this and because of everything else; it'd be easier for me to if not for the things with his other friends. he has gotten frustrated with me being unable to believe him and has snapped at me but always apologized and I forgave him.
on the night of the 23rd I fell asleep upset becwuse he doesn't need me and would be fine with just his other friends, that's how it's always been. on the 24th he said good morning like he always does and that he missed me. I said good morning back and he asked how I slept and I said good but was being dry because what's the point when he had his other friends who I'm sure he likes more anyway? he asked if I was ok and I said no and explained why and told him to talk to his other friends because I just cant believe anything he says. I don't fully remember the conversation but I told him to leave me alone and he said sorry and I didn't respond and we didn't really interact at all for the next day and a half or so. increasingly upset and not seeing a point when he doesn't love me anyway, I impulsively screenshotted things I've said about him from my private twitter account that only has one follower (not him) and sent them to him to get him to hate me without him ending up hating me otherwise, and then blocked him. he messaged me on another social media saying he doesn't hate me, he's sorry and misses me. i called him a liar and he said hes not, not to me. when I replied he said things that contradicted things he's said and promised before. he told me I was his favorite and he can't live without me and said like "how am I meant to survive without talking to them" in a server about me when I was isolating myself from everyone and he said he doesn't like his other friends more than me. but suddenly that's not true, he's not gonna like me More and I'm only "one of" the closest people to him. he said it makes him feel evil if he likes someone more, and while I'd still be upset considering how much I've done, i would've understood that had he not lied and said I am his favorite first. I hate liars more than anything. he knows that. i think he went to sleep after this because it was late and he always sleeps around thst time but I split on him and said i loathe him multiple times and sent a screenshot of him saying he likes me more and I'm his favorite and got angry over him lying to me. in the morning he didn't apologize. the only message was "no matter what I say you don't believe me". I replied and said I wonder why and another thing I don't fully remember I said he's not even apologizing and said I hate him again. he said he loved me and still does, and he's sorry he couldn't live up to what I wanted. I sent more things that I cannot remember, he deactivated said social media account so I can't access the messages anymore. after several hours of no response, I said this (copy pasted from my notes app that I wrote it in first): "i didn't want to do this. i was hoping itd be resolved somehow and youd finally understand but youre always like this and idoubt you'll ever bother responding because you gave up on me even though you said you wouldn't. everything you told me was just a lie i wish you understood me i wish you werent a liar i wish i was your first choice" and blocked him on that social media and another account I had on it. after that he immediately unfollowed me on all of my other accounts and etc and removed me from his things with no hesitation. I think the only social media I'm not blocked on yet is pinterest.
the night on the same day, I attempted suicide. I can't live without my fp. I logged into an alt account he had me added on and told him the method I was using, told him that all I wanted from him was for him to spend more quality time with me again like he used to and how I couldn't bear the pain of everything I've already said here. I said I was doing it so he wouldn't forget me. thatw as indeed part of the reason.
I chickened out because the pressure on my head only barely brought me back to my senses and cried myself to sleep. the morning after, I was way too scared to log into my alt to see his response, and I was going to bite the bullet but one of my other friends offered to check for me so I gave them the login and they told me there was no response. I checked. they were right and he blocked me on that too, blocked my main account (formerly only I had blocked him) and i think all of our mutual friends (this is discord) but I can't really check
please god tell me what to do. I cannot live without my fp. it was all impulsive and I know that's not an excuse but I would do anything I don't know waht to do I don't know ove already suffered so much amd done so much just to get him to like me. please someone tell me what I can do to potentially fix this I just want him back. please. if I can't I am going to ctb
I also think he mightve vagued me negatively on one of his socials that I've been obsessively checking but I can't know for sure but it's most likely it wad about me
alsonyes he knew he's my fp he knew very very very very well and dint mind at all please someone tell me
I have bpd. I have an fp. he also has bpd. we were online friends for over a year and were very very close and talked every single day. we have gone through a lot together and he says I'm his best friend and his favorite. in the past months I have been suffering over because he got a new friend group and stadted spending much more quality time with them than he did me. said friend group is also online, he doesn't have irl friends and I only have one. we still talked a lot, very often, and he was always very kind to me and told me he loved me (platonically; we were just friends and I do not and have never felt anything romantic towards him) and praised me and stuff but conversations became repetitive and he started going to them and only them about things he'd formerly mostly do and talk about with me. and he did all these activities and stuff with them that he hardly, if ever did with me. even before this, I have suffered because of his other friends. I have attempted to mold myself and my personality to make him like me more and pay more attention to me, it never worked out.
he has promised to tell me if i do something he doesn't like, always. so there was no miscommunication on his end and no broken boundaries, because he didnt set any and told me if i did something he doesnt want me to do hed tell me so i could stop. because i told him to do that because i want to be a good friend. when I expressed feeling like he doesn't need me and likes his other friends more, he always said thats not true and tried to reassure me and etc. and he told me he would try to and wanted to be better for me because he loves me. but actions speak louder than words and no matter how much reassurance he gave me the things I mentioned in the other paragraph never stopped it was unbearable.
he told me he'd always love me and never leave me or anything like that. he promised multiple times and even told me I'm his favorite out of all his friends and if I said he liked them more he'd say that's not true. he has always been a kind person and I've tried my hardest to do things for him and help him and give him advice and support him in everything and give him endless praise and listen whenever he needed something. even with all of my fears and etc I was always reasonable whenever he gave genuine reasons for not responding to me or not doing the things he said he'd do. even if I was still upset, for example one time he didn't respond to me and was being dry in a conversation and I was upset, but he told me it was because his girlfriend is having a really bad breakdown (through text), and I hate his girlfriend and didn't care but nonetheless I said it's okay and waited for it to be over because it'd be unreasonable to still be upset. I was never really irrational or anything. at least I don't think I was, and he promised to tell me if I did something he didn't like or made him uncomfortable or anything like that. I've never openly expressed dislike towards any of his other friends near him or anything like that and have always been civil and normal whenever i had to interact with them. im sure he knew i hate his other friends because he knows the kind of person i am regarding things like that very well. but i never said anything because I knew he wouldn't like that.
I have horrible trust issues that have been amplified because of a recent situation I'd prefer to not get into detail about. he knows this. I have a lot of trouble believing him or anything he says because of this and because of everything else; it'd be easier for me to if not for the things with his other friends. he has gotten frustrated with me being unable to believe him and has snapped at me but always apologized and I forgave him.
on the night of the 23rd I fell asleep upset becwuse he doesn't need me and would be fine with just his other friends, that's how it's always been. on the 24th he said good morning like he always does and that he missed me. I said good morning back and he asked how I slept and I said good but was being dry because what's the point when he had his other friends who I'm sure he likes more anyway? he asked if I was ok and I said no and explained why and told him to talk to his other friends because I just cant believe anything he says. I don't fully remember the conversation but I told him to leave me alone and he said sorry and I didn't respond and we didn't really interact at all for the next day and a half or so. increasingly upset and not seeing a point when he doesn't love me anyway, I impulsively screenshotted things I've said about him from my private twitter account that only has one follower (not him) and sent them to him to get him to hate me without him ending up hating me otherwise, and then blocked him. he messaged me on another social media saying he doesn't hate me, he's sorry and misses me. i called him a liar and he said hes not, not to me. when I replied he said things that contradicted things he's said and promised before. he told me I was his favorite and he can't live without me and said like "how am I meant to survive without talking to them" in a server about me when I was isolating myself from everyone and he said he doesn't like his other friends more than me. but suddenly that's not true, he's not gonna like me More and I'm only "one of" the closest people to him. he said it makes him feel evil if he likes someone more, and while I'd still be upset considering how much I've done, i would've understood that had he not lied and said I am his favorite first. I hate liars more than anything. he knows that. i think he went to sleep after this because it was late and he always sleeps around thst time but I split on him and said i loathe him multiple times and sent a screenshot of him saying he likes me more and I'm his favorite and got angry over him lying to me. in the morning he didn't apologize. the only message was "no matter what I say you don't believe me". I replied and said I wonder why and another thing I don't fully remember I said he's not even apologizing and said I hate him again. he said he loved me and still does, and he's sorry he couldn't live up to what I wanted. I sent more things that I cannot remember, he deactivated said social media account so I can't access the messages anymore. after several hours of no response, I said this (copy pasted from my notes app that I wrote it in first): "i didn't want to do this. i was hoping itd be resolved somehow and youd finally understand but youre always like this and idoubt you'll ever bother responding because you gave up on me even though you said you wouldn't. everything you told me was just a lie i wish you understood me i wish you werent a liar i wish i was your first choice" and blocked him on that social media and another account I had on it. after that he immediately unfollowed me on all of my other accounts and etc and removed me from his things with no hesitation. I think the only social media I'm not blocked on yet is pinterest.
the night on the same day, I attempted suicide. I can't live without my fp. I logged into an alt account he had me added on and told him the method I was using, told him that all I wanted from him was for him to spend more quality time with me again like he used to and how I couldn't bear the pain of everything I've already said here. I said I was doing it so he wouldn't forget me. thatw as indeed part of the reason.
I chickened out because the pressure on my head only barely brought me back to my senses and cried myself to sleep. the morning after, I was way too scared to log into my alt to see his response, and I was going to bite the bullet but one of my other friends offered to check for me so I gave them the login and they told me there was no response. I checked. they were right and he blocked me on that too, blocked my main account (formerly only I had blocked him) and i think all of our mutual friends (this is discord) but I can't really check
please god tell me what to do. I cannot live without my fp. it was all impulsive and I know that's not an excuse but I would do anything I don't know waht to do I don't know ove already suffered so much amd done so much just to get him to like me. please someone tell me what I can do to potentially fix this I just want him back. please. if I can't I am going to ctb
I also think he mightve vagued me negatively on one of his socials that I've been obsessively checking but I can't know for sure but it's most likely it wad about me
alsonyes he knew he's my fp he knew very very very very well and dint mind at all please someone tell me
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