Venting planning is exhausting

[softfur]

i've spent days reading about stupid exit bags and resources meant for old people (they're not stupid i'm just being mean) because those are the easiest things to find real backed information on. and I still could never figure it out. There's supposed to be a hose feeding gas into the bag, but I don't know how to set that part up. I don't even know if they explained it, maybe they did, but by the time I get that far reading I'm just exhausted. I just don't have it in me to learn as much as I need to.

I'm sure I would not be in this situation if I had my medication. that's funny. The doctors fucked up, admitted to it, didn't fix it, and that's why I can't have antidepressants anymore. I had the prescription and wasn't allowed to get it filled. so that's dead.

here's the part where i'm a self centered asshole. I don't think I have a "right" to feel this way, but i can be selfish inside of my head: i wanna confess that it does upset me to some degree that my friends don't care? i really don't like saying this because i'm succhh an asshole but when i say i want to kill myself or talk about what i'm considering and i get like, an emoji reaction. well i guess it's just embarrassing. like i'm fully in the wrong for acting the way i do. but huh i don't like it

my first post here by the way hello. let me know if i do something wrong please