Story Planning based on guesses

[Concorde]

I'm pretty sure I have to tell my partner. I can't enjoy the time I have left if I feel like a monster. I would prefer to just break up with him before, but even that seems unduly hurtful. Imagine, then, what him losing his partner to suicide would be like. Fuuuuuuck.

His best friend died suddenly this year. Like the day after that, I realized it was super tacky to feel suicidal. My partner has had adversity after adversity in the last 10 years. (He agrees that these adversities haven't been as soul-crushingly demoralizing as those in my life have been).

And in this last 6 weeks where I have been devastated again in life, and so planning and accepting and feeling relief that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, he knows almost nothing.

I like to believe that as humans, as animals, that we're just some patchy organism on a cold rock floating through space. No one will remember me in 100 years no matter what. All this disgust I feel about Earth will go with me.

I apologized to my partner the other day after complaining about something super small, unrelated to him at all, apologizing because it had to be torture to listen to for three minutes. But he said "no, I'm Team [Concorde]". I strongly hated that and said "but why?" and that it would be in his best interest for him to pick a winning team. I'm an anchor or a hole and he's a boat. I'm a dark cloud and he's a parade. Fuck this responsibility I'm feeling.

 

[looking4partner]

I relate to the responsibility feeling but with family members. But my life situation has changed drastically and it's pushing me over the edge after I already felt like I was barely holding on. Tbh, I didn't think that my mental health could get much worse, it was already so low, but I was wrong. I need more help than I ever have because of what's happening but no one in my family is available to help me.

Sorry I didn't mean to make this about me. I wanted to make a comment as a recognition of your post.

This feeling is so difficult. And I understand feeling like a burden too if that's what you mean (my own word choice, not saying you are). I think it may feel to you like you're an anchor/hole -which is a really painful feeling- but it sounds like your partner doesn't feel that way at all.

I think it's okay to feel how we feel, not tacky. What we do about having the feelings can just be very overwhelming.

Also, I was trying to be comforting day the feeling isn't tacky. So I hope it doesn't come across invalidating

 

[Concorde]

I didn't think that . . . could get much worse

These are words I always regret saying.

So obviously, we're on this website that tries to undo the billions of years of holding on to life that our ancestors were able to do. So things are exceptionally bad, right?

Sure. But a big part of me suspects that these are the good old days, even as cursed as they are.

I was really touched by how clear you were about respecting my feelings in your reply. Thank you.