fungus
New Member
- Sep 5, 2025
- 4
I think I will do it like some others her, so I don't need to always open a new thread just because I want to vent.
Oh and bad english, because not my native language.
________________________
I think the worst thing is that I don't know what is wrong with me.
I mean my childhood was okey. I had tendencies to mental health problems but nothing in my life was so fucked up that it can explain why I turned out to be so broken.
The relationship to my parents? Weird and fucked up.. why? No idea.
Relationship to all my past friends? Complicated, tireting and also not working.
Even the therapeutic relationship that I have with my therapist is just catastropic.
I really want to have any kind of connection but everytime I trie it just does not work. I need it, but I also hate it.
And it will not get better. The more I grow up, the more people expect me to handle things like an adult. To solve my own problems, to care for myself etc.
But of course I am in this weird inbetween phase were People expect me to be an adult but I can't do what older people are able to do.
Responsebility without the freedom.
And I hate it. If I get suffocated in all this expectations while I just try to figure out how to not ctb I at least want to have the freedom to break down and just be alone and express my suffering.
But no I can't because If I do the people around me will suffer and feel guilty.
Like I get it.
I am joung I have all my life before me so I just suck it up for the next years and hope that some magical farry will make everything better. I try changing since I am a child but that is just not enough.
So if it does not get better it is my own fault, because I am not open enough for change and I could try harder.
But giving up and saying I just can't make it better is also selfish.
Like I can't win. I just can't. Eather I suffer or my familly.
If I express too much of my feelings, I get send to the psychward and my parents would feel guilty and be in tears. And that just hurts even more and make me suffer more.
So I don't.
I like the psychward. It is shit, but I have never feelt so free to just be not okey and be depressed. Kind of selfish but it just feelt so good to not feel any responsebility for the feelings of the people around me. I didn't care if the people were concerned or annoyed about me just not getting out of bed or skipping meals.
But it was a one time holiday that I can't repeat.
My parents only react to things or take them seriously when I crash out and it is this really serious thing and everyone is suprised and sad and whatever. They tell me that I can talk about everything but then I try and it just does not work. If they don't react to some of the easier issues seriously, how do they expect me to tell them my deepest struggels.
I love them and it is the most hurtfull feeling because I would literaly rather die then be confronted with them feeling bad because of me. And they would feel bad if they would know that I think like that.
I am even suprised I got over my 18 birthday alive. This is longer then I gave myself. But as a kid I thought that with 18 things change. That I then have enough freedom to get better. But it just does not work like that.
Oh and bad english, because not my native language.
________________________
I think the worst thing is that I don't know what is wrong with me.
I mean my childhood was okey. I had tendencies to mental health problems but nothing in my life was so fucked up that it can explain why I turned out to be so broken.
The relationship to my parents? Weird and fucked up.. why? No idea.
Relationship to all my past friends? Complicated, tireting and also not working.
Even the therapeutic relationship that I have with my therapist is just catastropic.
I really want to have any kind of connection but everytime I trie it just does not work. I need it, but I also hate it.
And it will not get better. The more I grow up, the more people expect me to handle things like an adult. To solve my own problems, to care for myself etc.
But of course I am in this weird inbetween phase were People expect me to be an adult but I can't do what older people are able to do.
Responsebility without the freedom.
And I hate it. If I get suffocated in all this expectations while I just try to figure out how to not ctb I at least want to have the freedom to break down and just be alone and express my suffering.
But no I can't because If I do the people around me will suffer and feel guilty.
Like I get it.
I am joung I have all my life before me so I just suck it up for the next years and hope that some magical farry will make everything better. I try changing since I am a child but that is just not enough.
So if it does not get better it is my own fault, because I am not open enough for change and I could try harder.
But giving up and saying I just can't make it better is also selfish.
Like I can't win. I just can't. Eather I suffer or my familly.
If I express too much of my feelings, I get send to the psychward and my parents would feel guilty and be in tears. And that just hurts even more and make me suffer more.
So I don't.
I like the psychward. It is shit, but I have never feelt so free to just be not okey and be depressed. Kind of selfish but it just feelt so good to not feel any responsebility for the feelings of the people around me. I didn't care if the people were concerned or annoyed about me just not getting out of bed or skipping meals.
But it was a one time holiday that I can't repeat.
My parents only react to things or take them seriously when I crash out and it is this really serious thing and everyone is suprised and sad and whatever. They tell me that I can talk about everything but then I try and it just does not work. If they don't react to some of the easier issues seriously, how do they expect me to tell them my deepest struggels.
I love them and it is the most hurtfull feeling because I would literaly rather die then be confronted with them feeling bad because of me. And they would feel bad if they would know that I think like that.
I am even suprised I got over my 18 birthday alive. This is longer then I gave myself. But as a kid I thought that with 18 things change. That I then have enough freedom to get better. But it just does not work like that.
