personal diary ⋆˚꩜｡ 06/05/25

[nonameno5]

collection of random thoughts since my last entry:)

- i think ive become desensitized to people who ctb. not because im unempathetic i dont think. but when i hear about people who ctb i dont feel sad that they did it, i just feel jealous that i dont have the guts to go with them. of course i still feel sorry that life has made them feel like they have no option. i feel sorry for what their loved ones must be going through. i feel sorry that theyve been suffering for so long. but i dont feel sorry BECAUSE they committed. maybe that makes me a bad person. i dont know.

- now relapsing feels like something i need. i dont even want to do it anymore. i just feel like i have to. i havent been able to go any longer than 2 days ever since i really started picking up on it. anytime i see it healing i just feel even more of a need to relapse. and theres always something healing. i dont go nearly deep enough for it to last too long. i wish i knew if i let it atleast go deep enough to scar, but i cover it back up too soon. the only sh thats healed is on my arm, and those marks are from when i was still using a blade ive had for 5 years. (no, i wasnt sh'ing with it for that long) and you can only see those scars if youre really looking for them. i think the burning will probably leave scars. i havent touched it in a few weeks and it seems to be taking a while to heal. i wish it wouldnt. i never wanted any scars. which is why ive never gone deep. any scarring at this point would just be annoying.

- speaking of how do people go out and buy things to sh with without feeling guilty and like everyone knows what youre buying it for. like damn i wish i could just innocently buy my razors, sharpeners, and lighters in peace— but no, i feel like i have to come up with some sort of excuse in advance and cant look the cashier in the eye while im being checked out. please dont look at me and see that im upset. please please please dont ask me what its for or figure me out.

- also bought some surf shorts or wtv for when i go swimming this summer. i know damn well i wouldnt be able to stay clean long enough to wear a normal swimsuit. and honestly i wouldve got shorts anyway, ive always hated womens swimsuits i hate being that exposed.

- back to the relapsing ramble. i hate that im so dependent on it now. atleast when im busy and out doing things i can not think too much about it, but whenever im at home or at someones house i just want to relapse. it makes me feel so guilty. what would my parents think if they found out. if my girlfriend saw?? im lucky she hasnt asked to see my "i am sober" like i do for her i wouldnt be able to show her. especially the amount of times i relapse before hanging out with her. God I'd be done for if she asked to look at it. I'd be so ashamed. She's doing so so well. What if i ruined it for her??

- as for my last diary entry. i havent made any progress. im still as useless and disappointing as ever. ive only made few, less important "helpful" strides. ive prayed to God about it. which still feels strange to me. but i just want to fufill my meaning in life. i want to serve him and the world like im supposed to. i want to be perfect. i want to finally be able to move on, while still feeling accomplished in life. i think my mental health is keeping me from helping anyone else. i dont even mean to at all but i think i just get too caught up in my own head and lack the energy to even think of ways to help others. and thats what i prayed about, for him to help me get through these issues so i can really help people. but nothings changed yet.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Don't worry about not feeling useful, I also feel similar at times (also, your post provides value to me). I've prayed too, some prayers feel answered and sometimes prayers don't feel as answered as they could've been.
I agree, when I go swimming, I wear a top, even tho males don't always do.
As for sh, I don't think I've done it (seems too painful), sorry that such addiction exists.
I also don't look cashiers in the eye much, tho they probably don't know what the item is bought for... why would it be sold if it was only used for sh?
For all I know, the person buying those items wants to replace their stationery and light candles or cigarettes.

 

[gottacheckout]

OP please don't take this wrong but I love chain of thought posts complete with rambles and sidetracks.

 

[nonameno5]

Don't worry about not feeling useful, I also feel similar at times (also, your post provides value to me). I've prayed too, some prayers feel answered and sometimes prayers don't feel as answered as they could've been.
I agree, when I go swimming, I wear a top, even tho males don't always do.
As for sh, I don't think I've done it (seems too painful), sorry that such addiction exists.
I also don't look cashiers in the eye much, tho they probably don't know what the item is bought for... why would it be sold if it was only used for sh?
For all I know, the person buying those items wants to replace their stationery and light candles or cigarettes.

thank you your reply means a lot im glad you found some value in my post, i really didnt think anyone would even look at it. :)

OP please don't take this wrong but I love chain of thought posts complete with rambles and sidetracks.

i definitely dont take this wrong, im glad you do!! i was worried this kinda post is out of place here as i dont see many things like this here, but i find posting my rambles and thoughts here makes me feel better than when i just put it in my notes so i might as well keep doing it unless people get annoyed.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

i think ive become desensitized to people who ctb. not because im unempathetic i dont think. but when i hear about people who ctb i dont feel sad that they did it, i just feel jealous that i dont have the guts to go with them. of course i still feel sorry that life has made them feel like they have no option. i feel sorry for what their loved ones must be going through. i feel sorry that theyve been suffering for so long. but i dont feel sorry BECAUSE they committed. maybe that makes me a bad person. i dont know.

I feel a similar way but more just about people who have died. And I feel guilty about it afterwards. For example about an old high school classmate who drowned swimming in a river. When I first heard of it I just felt jealous, I thought 'why couldn't it have been me?' And sometime I find myself feeling almost happy for them, which I only realize is messed up after because of course they didn't want to die, not everyone feels like me. And other times it just seems so unfair, that someone who didn't want to die did, and I desperately want my life to end but I need to stay alive. I wish I could trade my life with another person dying of cancer, so we could both get what we want. When you live long enough with depression, you start to forget a bit that it's not normal, that most people don't want to die, that someone dying is a tragedy and not some bittersweet release from their pain.

 

[nonameno5]

I feel a similar way but more just about people who have died. And I feel guilty about it afterwards. For example about an old high school classmate who drowned swimming in a river. When I first heard of it I just felt jealous, I thought 'why couldn't it have been me?' And sometime I find myself feeling almost happy for them, which I only realize is messed up after because of course they didn't want to die, not everyone feels like me. And other times it just seems so unfair, that someone who didn't want to die did, and I desperately want my life to end but I need to stay alive. I wish I could trade my life with another person dying of cancer, so we could both get what we want. When you live long enough with depression, you start to forget a bit that it's not normal, that most people don't want to die, that someone dying is a tragedy and not some bittersweet release from their pain.

man do i feel that. a friend of mine recently lost a close close friend of hers to sui, and i actually feel disgusting and so horrible but i genuinely am a little jealous. and its hard because im not even sad for him, because i know thats what he wanted and as long as it wasnt a spontaneous decision then i respect it. however now im seeing the aftermath- how people close to him are feeling and how thats affecting him. its easy for me to tell myself nobody would be upset if it were me over him. and i believe that partially. but i know id hurt people like the way im seeing my friend hurting and that pains me. overall a very humbling experience.

i also wish i could just trade places with someone else and die naturally in that way. saves a lot of pain for others that way, even though it still involves death.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

and its hard because im not even sad for him, because i know thats what he wanted and as long as it wasnt a spontaneous decision then i respect it.

I understand exactly. I often wonder how I would react if I were to witness an attempted suicide, given my own feelings about it. I think if it was a teenager I would intervene, but otherwise I don't think it would be my place to try and talk someone down, and certainly not to physically obstruct them. And if for example I saw someone halfway through the process, I wouldn't get in their way, because I can't imagine anything worse than trying to end it and waking up with permanent brain damage or paralyzed instead. But if I told this to a normal non-depressed person, they would think I'm a psychopath for not automatically trying to save the person.

its easy for me to tell myself nobody would be upset if it were me over him. and i believe that partially. but i know id hurt people like the way im seeing my friend hurting and that pains me.

You know it's true that people would hurt if you were gone, that's the sad fact. One of the things keeping me here is knowing how it would hurt my family, but more than that, how it would destroy my family. I doubt my parent's marriage would survive and it would probably make my sister's eating disorder relapse and it would just be horrible for them.

I hope you are able to reduce your pain and you're able to stop SHing!