Discussion People who kill themselves over loneliness

[cakedog]

I've read various threads and posts about people that ctb due to the lack of friends and/or partner so i really want to get a deep insight and a different perspective on what it feels to be alone
I'm not really a stranger to loneliness but i feel like i knew how over it was for me very early so i gave up on relationships at a very early age and sought different ways to distract myself
not saying i don't feel lonely from time to time but definitely not with the same intensity some people here feel

the fact that you still seek companionship makes me think that there's still some hope left for you. my ugliness and general inferiority in everything are the major reasons why i gave up on having friends or a partner
but i know there are some people with my same attributes that still struggle with loneliness and even if i mentioned that there's still probably hope for some of them i know some have been searching for closeness for years
and also i know loneliness alone may not be the only reason why some people ctb i know some do it due to a mix of factors but i'm generally asking to people whose major reason for ctb is being alone

 

[usernamegoeshere]

hi, idk if this is the take you wanted, but i'll give my two cents nonetheless :3

i also believe i can't be loved, yet i have a lot of friends. it still doesn't feel real, as none of them really know me, they just know the image of me that i present to them. i do feel extremely lonely, despite being surrounded, and it's nobody's fault but mine. i'm okay with that. i think there's a part of me that would want to ctb just to be seen, like, to have people see how bad i'm doing. but also the only, genuinely only reason why im still here is because i dont wanna make my parents sad.

 

[Unlucky777]

There are different types of loneliness.

Some people fell lonely when they are alone. Others feel lonely even when they are surrounded by people. I think I fall in the latter. I actually fell less alone when I'm by myself.

 

[ehhhhh1333]

Building and maintaining relationships is such a struggle. I feel like im not good enough and not someone ppl want to be around so i feel this insecurity in every interaction. I end up isolating myself and giving up because its so exhausting

Being alone all the time just makes me numb and depressed, i think having community/friends irl is one of the most important things for mental health especially long term. by isolating i end up feeling more and more miserable as years go on so i think abt killing myself a lot if im unable to fix things. I can distract myself from my problems but i know they will get worse over time

 

[cakedog]

I actually fell less alone when I'm by myself.

this is the situation for me as well
i don't think i'm meant to be with others

Building and maintaining relationships is such a struggle. I feel like im not good enough and not someone ppl want to be around so i feel this insecurity in every interaction.

i really relate to this part my own insecurity makes me feel like isolation is the only solution
but you experience very different emotions as a result of this looks like even accepting loneliness hasn't made it easier for you
i hope things work out well for you and misaki knocks on your door someday no one really deserves to be alone when their world is going down

 

[justanotherbody]

My biggest struggle is loneliness and learning to find meaning without attachment.
I had, what I thought was, a strong relationship for 15 years before it ended traumatically.
Since, I've been struggling with attachment trauma. It's hard to form new relationships because my system goes into overdrive with panic, fear, and anxiety.
I don't know that I'll be able to form another strong attachment to someone and not have my survival based on it.

I already don't know what the meaning or point of existence is, but having a partner around to make it all tolerable is the pathetic position I've found myself in. Loneliness, in that sense, will be the only cause of CTB for me.

 

[Lady_V]

My main reason I'm going to ctb is because I am alone.
For me being alone is embarrassing. It's shameful. I am so unlikable and annoying I cannot have friends even though I have tried so hard. I have poured so much into people who would complain about showing up to my birthday. It's so painful.
Dating is kind of the only way I can not be alone. When my ex left me, he said part of it was because I had no friends. That hurt so much, and now I feel like too much of a burden to even date.
I'm not memorable, I'm not likable, I'm nothing.

 

[Goyasan]

In my case, it's not so much that I'm alone physically as I do have close family relationships (and online friends if that counts?) but I feel alone emotionally and mentally. At some point, I realized that because of my existence, because of who I am and what that encompasses I truly and can never truly connect to another person. Nobody will ever truly understand the internals of me, and vice versa. You really can't understand a person nor can a person understand you 1:1. What you do know and what you do understand is what is allow in small amounts. That genuinely scares me. It's that way of how how socialization, communication, and just being around others leaves me completely exhausted, I don't want to deal with people anymore.

 

[madwoman]

I am lonely and that is a major factor for me (along with many other reasons). I have some friends but no one I feel completely myself with and who I can just call and talk about anything with and just be. I have to mask and I have a hard time letting people in. I also a hopeless romantic and I just want to be loved and seen and have that deep companionship and create a life with someone to be there through the ups and downs. But due to my suicidal thoughts and the many reasons I want too, I am no longer seeking it out and don't think I'll ever find someone for me to give me the kind of love I crave. So I live vicariously through books and movies and others and am just so sad and lonely. I wouldn't want anyone holding me back from CTB and I don't have any kind of energy for dating and I'd be a terrible gf right now bc I can barely take care of myself. It just sucks that bc of the way I am, I can never have that but to continue to ache and cry for it. I don't want to go on being lonely for the rest of my life and never having the kind of love I dream of. To me, there's still some enjoyable things but I don't want to do it all alone so what's the point?

 

[ef99]

hi, idk if this is the take you wanted, but i'll give my two cents nonetheless :3

i also believe i can't be loved, yet i have a lot of friends. it still doesn't feel real, as none of them really know me, they just know the image of me that i present to them. i do feel extremely lonely, despite being surrounded, and it's nobody's fault but mine. i'm okay with that. i think there's a part of me that would want to ctb just to be seen, like, to have people see how bad i'm doing. but also the only, genuinely only reason why im still here is because i dont wanna make my parents sad.

god this is exactly how I feel. I hope you get better soon :)

 

[justanotherbody]

I am lonely and that is a major factor for me (along with many other reasons). I have some friends but no one I feel completely myself with and who I can just call and talk about anything with and just be. I have to mask and I have a hard time letting people in. I also a hopeless romantic and I just want to be loved and seen and have that deep companionship and create a life with someone to be there through the ups and downs. But due to my suicidal thoughts and the many reasons I want too, I am no longer seeking it out and don't think I'll ever find someone for me to give me the kind of love I crave. So I live vicariously through books and movies and others and am just so sad and lonely. I wouldn't want anyone holding me back from CTB and I don't have any kind of energy for dating and I'd be a terrible gf right now bc I can barely take care of myself. It just sucks that bc of the way I am, I can never have that but to continue to ache and cry for it. I don't want to go on being lonely for the rest of my life and never having the kind of love I dream of. To me, there's still some enjoyable things but I don't want to do it all alone so what's the point?

All of this. Very much the same boat. And masking is a very salient point that resonates with me.
With my last relationship, I felt I didn't have to pretend all the time.
Around everyone else, it's masking time. Friends and family, included. And it's fucking draining.
Finding that sort of safety net again - that someone who I can let my mask down around and just be - is now a herculean task. And I just truly don't have the energy for it.

And now with attachment issues, I feel extreme guilt in offloading my survival onto someone else who neither asked for nor deserves that kind of burden.

 

[ginko0]

I've had amazing relationships and relationships opportunities. And what I learned is that, no matter how well I get along with someone, there's a loneliness inside of me that never goes away. That kind of loneliness that comes with self-awareness, from knowing you're a separated entity in this world, apart from everything else.

So, yeah, this loneliness is one of the reasons for me.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I've given up entirely on forming relationships, I've learned that I'm socially incapable and there's something wrong with me. Despite my best efforts, I'm met with constant rejection. Now, I've been conditioned to find relationships more dangerous and hurtful than isolation, and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. Other people are assholes and I want nothing to do with them anymore.

Isolation is still painful though, and yes it's my main reason for wanting to CTB.

 

[catsalvation]

I feel the same way as @madwoman.
In other words, my CPTSD makes connection feel unsafe, I learned that closeness comes with pain so I stay guarded or dissociate even when I want intimacy. At the same time, I have deep longing for connection plus shame, hypervigilance, which can push people away or pull you me into unfulfilling dynamics—leaving me lonely despite trying. Catch 22.