sgtpepper
Member
- Mar 26, 2023
- 16
I just want to document my "journey" on this platform as it's the only place I can be open about stuff like this so. and i have a few questions and things i need help figuring out too so if anyone reads and can offer advice that would be great
july 18 2025 was my first "real" attempt. I planned it about a week in advance for a few reasons. 1) we(my family & me) will be out of town for a few weeks and i wouldn't be able to ctb or even attempt it and i wanted to be done as fast as possible 2) it would be a perfect timeframe as nobody would find me for hours which would avoid the risk of getting "saved" 3) I was in the exact headspace for it. im usually feeling to low and apathetic to do anything other than lay with myself but it was like i had a burst of determination
before this attempt i did try a few other times but they were more like tests on how to do this or that and what was the best place/way/knot/etc to go with it. i think i found a perfect way for me (full suspension takes too much effort and i cant access lethal drugs)
It was a weird sensation and i honestly didnt expect it to work on the first try, not to be a bit depressing but nothing really works out for me ever so i was expecting to fail at this from the get go too but i genuinely felt like i was dying when i tightened the knot. i started sweating a lot though and my head felt like static (?) and my eyes felt like they were going to pop out? im wondering how common this is and if its the "right" sensation?
this is where my biggest problem arose though, when i finally started feeling like i was getting there and that i was close to getting what i achieved, i started seeing myself "saved" by my parents and relatives and the fear of possibly surviving and being permanently a vegetable quadrupled. i tried to fight it but eventually frantically ripped the noose from my neck. afterwards i was in a weirdly manic state i was staring at myself and shaking and crying and asking myself "do you really want to do this?" but i did find the answer within myself and it was that yes. this only worsened my state and immediately i tried to do it again but this time i didnt tie anything properly and was too shaky to even properly go through with it.
i sat on the floor for 5-10 minutes afterwards just crying and shaking looking at her picture(my best friend who ctb back in april) until i got up to sort myself out. slept very little the whole night unsurprisingly.
Nobody in my family knows
july 18 2025 was my first "real" attempt. I planned it about a week in advance for a few reasons. 1) we(my family & me) will be out of town for a few weeks and i wouldn't be able to ctb or even attempt it and i wanted to be done as fast as possible 2) it would be a perfect timeframe as nobody would find me for hours which would avoid the risk of getting "saved" 3) I was in the exact headspace for it. im usually feeling to low and apathetic to do anything other than lay with myself but it was like i had a burst of determination
before this attempt i did try a few other times but they were more like tests on how to do this or that and what was the best place/way/knot/etc to go with it. i think i found a perfect way for me (full suspension takes too much effort and i cant access lethal drugs)
It was a weird sensation and i honestly didnt expect it to work on the first try, not to be a bit depressing but nothing really works out for me ever so i was expecting to fail at this from the get go too but i genuinely felt like i was dying when i tightened the knot. i started sweating a lot though and my head felt like static (?) and my eyes felt like they were going to pop out? im wondering how common this is and if its the "right" sensation?
this is where my biggest problem arose though, when i finally started feeling like i was getting there and that i was close to getting what i achieved, i started seeing myself "saved" by my parents and relatives and the fear of possibly surviving and being permanently a vegetable quadrupled. i tried to fight it but eventually frantically ripped the noose from my neck. afterwards i was in a weirdly manic state i was staring at myself and shaking and crying and asking myself "do you really want to do this?" but i did find the answer within myself and it was that yes. this only worsened my state and immediately i tried to do it again but this time i didnt tie anything properly and was too shaky to even properly go through with it.
i sat on the floor for 5-10 minutes afterwards just crying and shaking looking at her picture(my best friend who ctb back in april) until i got up to sort myself out. slept very little the whole night unsurprisingly.
Nobody in my family knows
