Out of my element

[Ky204]

(A little back story for anyone who gives a shit) So my mother committed suicide last month and even though it brought my own depression to an all time high it isn't the reason I want to die myself. My health has been pretty much deteriorating for awhile now and my life is as empty as one can get. I have absolutely no interest in anything, all of my relationships have gone to shit and at 23 I can't even keep a job which I desperately need to pay off some of my student loans. There's no motivation there, no sense of worth or even dread, I just feel nothing. I couldn't even find it in myself to cry when I found my moms body.

I've only ever attempted suicide once and that was when I was 16. They ended up pumping my stomach and placing me in a mental institution for 2 months.

My own issue with offing myself is that I really just want a quick and painless way to go (which I'm sure every suicidal person essentially wants), but I feel like there's all these steps and special things you need in order to get the job done to ensure no chance of surviving. Like I don't consider myself stupid but all of these terms and guides to doing it just seem like way more effort than I'm willing to go through.

Is there not just a simple way to go?

My ideal way would be putting a bullet through my head, unfortunately living in Canada throws that idea in the garbage (gun laws and all).

Is there a pill on the market I can get easily with the right dosage that can get it done? Like I'm seriously out of my element and have no idea what half these forums are even talking about, I just want to be dead, none of this step by step shit.

 

[pole]

jesus, so sorry about what you've gone through. you're mother's suicide.. that's devastating and heartbreaking.

theres really only a couple things. SN is worth looking into.

but with me, iv been looking for a sure bet, nothing complex; i just want to drink something or take a pill, not worry about pills ontop of taking something and following complicated dosaging schedules, etc.

N's you're best bet. though it'll be hella expensive, its to me the way im gonna go when i ctb.

only thing is im from ontario, customs are extremely strict here in Canada. some had to reorder at times and spent around 1200. but its the VIP way of going out.

again im really sorry for what you've gone through. i hope somehow things can turn around for you; i hope you find peace.

 

[Ky204]

Yeah I thought as much... I'm in Montreal so the customs aren't any better here either. I don't mind spending the money since I'll be long gone before there are any repercussions, but I'll look into it a bit more.
Thank you for your words though, I know I'll find peace soon.