Venting Opened up to a friend.

[luxio]

I recently opened up to a friend with their permission about my mental health struggles and trauma and I feel as though it damaged our relationship and it hurts. I am really suicidal for many reasons I have attempted multiple times in the past using SN and other methods then for a while I have not been Self harming for about 3 years and while still feeling suicidal often I wasn't completely hopeless feeling even though discouraged because I know my brain is always going to feel this way because the thoughts will always just re-appear since I do not have a properly balanced brain which I blame my trauma on and I have tried healing but it isn't working and I hurt every day. I tried to open up to a friend about this and it hurts more and just made it more painful because I feel as though they didn't really care and no one can care about me in a way that I care with the intensity I feel things all my emotions get intense. I feel as though I want to CTB because no matter what im going to always feel this way and I hate it but I don't want to leave my little nephews behind or people that care about me I am very adamant about being in peoples lives especially the kids in my family since I don't wan't them to feel alone ever like I had to be growing up. But at the same time my feelings are still there and I hate living with it every day and every second and its so stressful and I also feel like I should just end it while I have some friends so I can at least have people show up to my funeral because I don't want to go out being alone. Which will inevitably happen because I end up pushing everyone away or when I open up which I always ask permission to open up before I do it makes them uncomfortable or they just are not empathetic or hate me and it just sucks being alone and I try to always be there for everyone and I care deeply for everyone even those im not friends with and it hurts so much and I just wish my head could stay normal for just like give me a few weeks where I don't feel suicidal and I can handle it only being 1 week or a few days out of a month but instead its like non stop I have maybe a day or three at a time. I hate this and I wish people felt more empathetic but at the same time I can't blame anyone because we are adults and everyone has so much shit so when its found out I have shit that is more than their shit I can understand I guess why people would wan't distance because its a lot to add on to their issues and I hate it and just wish I didn't have so much pain in my head. I wish also that if I were to CTB my little nephews wouldn't care because I don't want to hurt them or anyone but I know how much they care about me as their aunt and ask me to hangout with them all the time and I just don't want to inflict any trauma on them but then im stuck with my head hurting. But I wouldn't want to do something and then cause them to have these same feelings due to trauma or someone not being there for them and it's hard. Then I feel like the friend I opened up to is definitely judging and that hurts and I hate it. I hope i'm just over thinking but it does not feel that way at all.

 

[webb&flow]

their fault for not giving you what they promised (security and honest help)

apologies for the short reply. I hope you will find better friends who have felt trauma like you do and can truly understand you more and make you feel truly listened to and heard.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. No, you're not overthinking it. These kinds of negative social experiences can be traumatic too. There are better people out there. More well suited for truly embracing you and the sensitive details of the causes and intimate effects of the trauma you deal with as well. I sincerely hope you can find the finesf and tenderest, most compassionate, of friends, to embrace you wholly. That such friends will be as balms for all the raw feeling and hurt within you. I hope they will act as salves for your hurt as well as finding unexpected ways to feel laughter and relief as well.

I can't blame anyone because we are adults and everyone has so much shit so when its found out I have shit that is more than their shit I can understand I guess why people would wan't distance because its a lot to add on to their issues and I hate it and just wish I didn't have so much pain in my head

no blame needed . But you will be more comfortable with friends more willing and able to embrace your pain and suffering. Friends who are not afraid of your pain. Friends who will warm your soul when it is cold, and who will soothe you in refreshing comfort when it's set on fire.

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May you find the best and most trustworthy and companionate of friends who will love you all the way to hell and back. And embrace every detail of your pain and soothe every sting of it in soft intimate ears and eyes, as well.

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[luxio]

their fault for not giving you what they promised (security and honest help)

apologies for the short reply. I hope you will find better friends who have felt trauma like you do and can truly understand you more and make you feel truly listened to and heard.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. No, you're not overthinking it. These kinds of negative social experiences can be traumatic too. There are better people out there. More well suited for truly embracing you and the sensitive details of the causes and intimate effects of the trauma you deal with as well. I sincerely hope you can find the finesf and tenderest, most compassionate, of friends, to embrace you wholly. That such friends will be as balms for all the raw feeling and hurt within you. I hope they will act as salves for your hurt as well as finding unexpected ways to feel laughter and relief as well.


no blame needed . But you will be more comfortable with friends more willing and able to embrace your pain and suffering. Friends who are not afraid of your pain. Friends who will warm your soul when it is cold, and who will soothe you in refreshing comfort when it's set on fire.

[Hidden content]

May you find the best and most trustworthy and companionate of friends who will love you all the way to hell and back. And embrace every detail of your pain and soothe every sting of it in soft intimate ears and eyes, as well.

[Hidden content]

Thank you so much this means a lot to me! I'm hoping to find people that will care in this way it's just hard and often one sided. I was suppose to be diagnosed with BPD so it's at a point where I understand no one will meet my expectations but it's heartbreaking when most people I feel don't have basic empathy/compassion. Especially in current society. This means a lot to me that you say this and I hope I can find people.

their fault for not giving you what they promised (security and honest help)

apologies for the short reply. I hope you will find better friends who have felt trauma like you do and can truly understand you more and make you feel truly listened to and heard.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. No, you're not overthinking it. These kinds of negative social experiences can be traumatic too. There are better people out there. More well suited for truly embracing you and the sensitive details of the causes and intimate effects of the trauma you deal with as well. I sincerely hope you can find the finesf and tenderest, most compassionate, of friends, to embrace you wholly. That such friends will be as balms for all the raw feeling and hurt within you. I hope they will act as salves for your hurt as well as finding unexpected ways to feel laughter and relief as well.


no blame needed . But you will be more comfortable with friends more willing and able to embrace your pain and suffering. Friends who are not afraid of your pain. Friends who will warm your soul when it is cold, and who will soothe you in refreshing comfort when it's set on fire.

[Hidden content]

May you find the best and most trustworthy and companionate of friends who will love you all the way to hell and back. And embrace every detail of your pain and soothe every sting of it in soft intimate ears and eyes, as well.

[Hidden content]

I approached the person about how it hurt and I'm still going to be friends with them but keep them at a distance bc they just kept blaming it on weed and such instead of caring how they made me feel I feel like. But obvi with how much I care about people I can't cut them off when it's like there's a 1% chance they care. Due to most likely having BPD or some other disorder (I just say bpd since that's what my therapist/dr was trying to have me sent to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed with but where I live u can lose gun rights from what I understand and hunting is important in my family.

 

[webb&flow]

Thank you so much this means a lot to me! I'm hoping to find people that will care in this way it's just hard and often one sided. I was suppose to be diagnosed with BPD so it's at a point where I understand no one will meet my expectations but it's heartbreaking when most people I feel don't have basic empathy/compassion. Especially in current society. This means a lot to me that you say this and I hope I can find people.

<3<3 I hope you will find fellow BPD people to share experiences and trauma and receive the most heartfelt and deepest of sympathy with.

Yes, I too sincerely hope you can find people :). In fact, I will go to hope even further and hope that you DO! It's my belief you certainl can ^^.

Know that despite there being many shallow people who will be subpar to you when you need genuine love and fairness, that there ARE still people who can not only meet your expectations, but care for you in such ways that you will be surprised about how much they care for and respect you, and how healed and comforted you will feel from this.

I approached the person about how it hurt and I'm still going to be friends with them but keep them at a distance

<3 I hope that new distance will be most comfortable for, for your own sake. I'm sorry to hear you were let down like this.

bc they just kept blaming it on weed and such

FUCKwads that is BAD. Do yourself a favor good friend, yes, save yourself the trouble of this person. I'm so so sorry to hear you got so unlucky with such a dastardly individual. Not your fault, though; it's their fault for being so callously unsympathetic instead of being tender and reasonably compassionate as virtue in a human being would be, truly.

instead of caring how they made me feel I feel like. But obvi with how much I care about people I can't cut them off when it's like there's a 1% chance they care.

You can keep them for whatever purpose. But just… be wary of what people's habits are, mmkay? Please be careful when being tempted to vent to a person who has a 99% chance of victimblaming you and attacking random things about your life/character/person, and blaming your very real issues on random shit that has nothing to do with it. I want you to be aware of what people can and cannot do for you, in their usual personhoods. Some people just suck at being compassionate and supportive. That doesn't mean you're "not good enough" to "earn" their goodness, no, they just can't give you what they themselves do not have. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate.

but where I live u can lose gun rights from what I understand and hunting is important in my family.

<3 I'm very sorry to hear about this. Maybe there's some workaround where you can use them but not own them? I'm not sure. Can you tell me more about more the role hunting plays in your own life personally and your family? Do you personally go hunting? Please feel free to tell me about how you value hunting in your life, and how the experience of it and what entails with it partakes in your life as well. I'm now under the impression you value hunting in your life—feel free to correct if mistaken—and perhaps touching more on this will assist in clarity under this situation :).

I think a diagnosis of BPD will administer you freedom in life and clarity on what's going on in your brain: knowing thyself is key quality of life. BPD is difficult to deal with, but the more resources you have in your arsenal to deal with it, the easier it is.

But this is YOUR situation and YOUR life we are talking about; I don't want to lecture you and say "you have to do this!!". I just want to get to know more about what you value and prefer :) hopefully so I can advise you in a manner most agreeable to you—which I believe, could be preferable for you ^^~

Due to most likely having BPD or some other disorder (I just say bpd since that's what my therapist/dr was trying to have me sent to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed with

Do you feel kind of conflicted amongst this? Like you're being forced to pick between going hunting and having clarity about your own psyche?