Obsessed with my limerent object.

[Parnate]

I have been following this guy , let's call him A on social media. I have been obsessed and daydreaming about being his friend, wife etc. lately I have reached new heights in my obsession and spending most of my time either watching his photos, videos etc. I searched his name online and a two files of his divorce case showed up. Since then I have become completely deranged.
I have called half a dozen private detectives and asked for an estimate. I told the detectives I wanted information about the divorce case and everything about him and his ex wife. One guy gave me an estimate but it is out of my budget.
This is so stupid and crazy , but I feel I am losing my control. Don't know what to do.

 

[amerie]

Limerence is probably one of the worst addictions next to drugs and alcohol, it's soo fucking hard to get over without transferring.

The best advice from me would be harm reduction, limerence is a coping mechanism for unmet needs but most people aren't ready to discover the cause of theirs. So I think you should accept your feelings and thoughts but don't act upon them and have someone that can keep you grounded and prevent you from talking to PI's or harassing your LO.

Remember this: you will never be friends with your LO, I say never only because once you get hooked on the possibility of you guys being friends you will just blow up their phone like an IDF airstrike. Leave their ass alone.

Also I swear every LO guy I've had also had an A initial lmao

 

[theboy]

Think that the money you spend can be used for something else :)

 

[Parnate]

Limerence is probably one of the worst addictions next to drugs and alcohol, it's soo fucking hard to get over without transferring.

The best advice from me would be harm reduction, limerence is a coping mechanism for unmet needs but most people aren't ready to discover the cause of theirs. So I think you should accept your feelings and thoughts but don't act upon them and have someone that can keep you grounded and prevent you from talking to PI's or harassing your LO.

Remember this: you will never be friends with your LO, I say never only because once you get hooked on the possibility of you guys being friends you will just blow up their phone like an IDF airstrike. Leave their ass alone.

Also I swear every LO guy I've had also had an A initial lmao

Get over without transferring, what do you mean ?

 

[amerie]

Get over without transferring, what do you mean ?

Transferring to another person which repeats the cycle and isn't really improving anything, sorry if I was vague

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel like limerance is one of those current buzzwords that gets casually tossed around a lot without it having a sound basis.

Consider... What if I am limerant for you and you are limerant for me. We both have limerance, but we can be in a relationship until it devolves eventually when it isn't what either of us think it is... and we break up... We were technically never really in an actual relationship with each other, we were simultaneously in a fantasy relationship with each other's ideals... but nobody would ever know and nobody would ever accuse either of us of being limerant.

Meanwhile... I get to know someone else really well through casual contact at work or at a store or a club or wherever we see each other a lot. I actually know things about you that I like from those interactions. I ask you out and you go out with me. I really like you from those experiences and we become partners for a while... until one day I realize you are not who you presented yourself as being. Turns out I was in love with a fantasy version of you that wasn't real. Isn't that what everyone says limerance is? Except, you were presenting that false image on purpose and I thought it was real, even though I was wrong. I would never be accused of being limerant.

And then... I see someone and like her. I imagine ho it might be nice to be in a relationship with her. I tell her one day that I like her, but she doesn't answer. She doesn't avoid me either, so I assume she is just shy and so I periodically remind her I am still interested. Eventually she just goes away and never tells me anything and I never know what happened... but by then I've already become infatuated with her and the lack of closure confuses me and I wasn't rejected but wasn't accepted either. Is this limerance or just unrequited love? What's actually the difference? Nobody seems to be able to consistently define this.

Limerance just gets thrown out every time someone really likes someone who doesn't appear to like them back... and there's so many reasons that could explain what is going on. I once liked a girl who I thought liked me but then it turned out her parents had arranged a marriage for her already as is their country's custom. She never told me this, so I only found out third-hand and that led me to give up... but it may very well not have been an unrequited attraction, she may very well have liked me but was unwilling to fight for me against her parents wishes. There was not going to be a way for me to ever know so I had to give up and figure either she liked me and wasn't willing to fight for me OR she didn't like me... either way I wasn't in the picture.

I could go on and on... buzzword amateur diagnoses are a hot-button to me. I don't think it helps people to see all the discussions online and Youtube videos and "experts" claiming Limerance when a year from now they will all have moved onto a different buzzword trend to amateur diagnose.

 

[amerie]

I feel like limerance is one of those current buzzwords that gets casually tossed around a lot without it having a sound basis.

Consider... What if I am limerant for you and you are limerant for me. We both have limerance, but we can be in a relationship until it devolves eventually when it isn't what either of us think it is... and we break up... We were technically never really in an actual relationship with each other, we were simultaneously in a fantasy relationship with each other's ideals... but nobody would ever know and nobody would ever accuse either of us of being limerant.

Meanwhile... I get to know someone else really well through casual contact at work or at a store or a club or wherever we see each other a lot. I actually know things about you that I like from those interactions. I ask you out and you go out with me. I really like you from those experiences and we become partners for a while... until one day I realize you are not who you presented yourself as being. Turns out I was in love with a fantasy version of you that wasn't real. Isn't that what everyone says limerance is? Except, you were presenting that false image on purpose and I thought it was real, even though I was wrong. I would never be accused of being limerant.

And then... I see someone and like her. I imagine ho it might be nice to be in a relationship with her. I tell her one day that I like her, but she doesn't answer. She doesn't avoid me either, so I assume she is just shy and so I periodically remind her I am still interested. Eventually she just goes away and never tells me anything and I never know what happened... but by then I've already become infatuated with her and the lack of closure confuses me and I wasn't rejected but wasn't accepted either. Is this limerance or just unrequited love? What's actually the difference? Nobody seems to be able to consistently define this.

Limerance just gets thrown out every time someone really likes someone who doesn't appear to like them back... and there's so many reasons that could explain what is going on. I once liked a girl who I thought liked me but then it turned out her parents had arranged a marriage for her already as is their country's custom. She never told me this, so I only found out third-hand and that led me to give up... but it may very well not have been an unrequited attraction, she may very well have liked me but was unwilling to fight for me against her parents wishes. There was not going to be a way for me to ever know so I had to give up and figure either she liked me and wasn't willing to fight for me OR she didn't like me... either way I wasn't in the picture.

I could go on and on... buzzword amateur diagnoses are a hot-button to me. I don't think it helps people to see all the discussions online and Youtube videos and "experts" claiming Limerance when a year from now they will all have moved onto a different buzzword trend to amateur diagnose.

I disagree, I do think people overuse it for normal crushes but I think it's a necessary term, especially now with the Kendra Hilty lady who is obsessively convinced that her psychiatrist is secretly in love with her and is risking his license over speculation and addiction (look it up if you don't understand.)

I think OP is actually experiencing limerence because their feelings are becoming genuinely obsessive and they're putting their person on a pedestal despite the divorce cases and trying to find out more and more. With a normal crush, you'd probably be turned off with the divorce and move on and it's a lot more innocent. OP is also thinking of betting their money to find out more and if this was a normal cute crush OP would not spend money like that. It's what addiction does and limerence is an addiction.

Personally I've had crushes and limerence and with crushes it was more like "aww they didn't come today" or "oh they look nice today" but with limerence I was well deep into being lowkey delusional (I convinced myself that an LO of mine was communicating with me via bugs in my backyard at 13 and no it wasn't psychosis) and I would try to find their address and constantly bombard them. OP is either going down or already is deep into it because they mentioned the stalking.

 

[Adûnâi]

Why use the word limerence when love exists? Also, is it because of the facial features of the psychological characteristics?

 

[Dejected 55]

I disagree, I do think people overuse it for normal crushes but I think it's a necessary term, especially now with the Kendra Hilty lady who is obsessively convinced that her psychiatrist is secretly in love with her and is risking his license over speculation and addiction (look it up if you don't understand.)

I think OP is actually experiencing limerence because their feelings are becoming genuinely obsessive and they're putting their person on a pedestal despite the divorce cases and trying to find out more and more. With a normal crush, you'd probably be turned off with the divorce and move on and it's a lot more innocent. OP is also thinking of betting their money to find out more and if this was a normal cute crush OP would not spend money like that. It's what addiction does and limerence is an addiction.

Personally I've had crushes and limerence and with crushes it was more like "aww they didn't come today" or "oh they look nice today" but with limerence I was well deep into being lowkey delusional (I convinced myself that an LO of mine was communicating with me via bugs in my backyard at 13 and no it wasn't psychosis) and I would try to find their address and constantly bombard them. OP is either going down or already is deep into it because they mentioned the stalking.

Except... that's what "obsession" is for. We didn't need another buzzword "limerance" to describe a thing we already had a word for. Like the woman you mention and her psychiatrist, I've recently read some about that randomly, she may or may not actually feel love for her doctor but she definitely is obsessed with him. There is no need to have other words for it.

That's part of my objection every time I hear someone say "limerance" because at best it's a redundant word for conditions that have long existed and been named... at worst its a way of obfuscating (see what I did there) by way of using a new word to make people think something new has been discovered.

From where I sit, a lot of unrequited love and puppydog crushes are being unnecessarily labeled as "limerance" and meanwhile potentially dangerous obsessions like the one you mentioned in your post are being made to seem less intrusive by calling them "limerance" instead of the obsesssion they are. I see no value in the word at this point the way I've heard it used.

 

[Adûnâi]

Except... that's what "obsession" is for. We didn't need another buzzword "limerance" to describe a thing we already had a word for.

To be fair, English is all about reinventing new words constantly. It used to be melancholy, now depression, PTSD - now CPTSD, child porn - now some other buzzword (CSABM?). So maybe they have changed obsession to limerence, too? Psychological terms are super popular overall like with "narcissist" lmao.

 

[Dejected 55]

To be fair, English is all about reinventing new words constantly. It used to be melancholy, now depression, PTSD - now CPTSD, child porn - now some other buzzword (CSABM?). So maybe they have changed obsession to limerence, too? Psychological terms are super popular overall like with "narcissist" lmao.

That's fair... I mean It's a peeve of mine with language. I'm fine with new words for new things and having some options for literary writing... but technical and diagnostic stuff, I really hate when every 6 months someone coins a new phrase or term for an already existing thing and just muddies the water for everyone.