heisenberg
zzzzzzz
- May 18, 2020
- 193
on november 14th i will finally ctb. i wanted to do it before my birthday on october 2nd but that is not possible anymore sadly. my family is buying a house in a city two hours away and they're estimated to close on september 29th now. on november 14th i will lie to my boyfriend and say i'm going to drive up to spend the weekend with my family. on the same evening, i will take my sn in a hotel room at 9pm and die. my boyfriend will be at a concert and i will tell him i'm simply going to bed so no one will contact me for several hours. if i somehow fail then i guess i'll go actually see my family since i'm planning to ctb in the same city.
as much as i am scared of what comes after, i feel ready. i've been suicidal since i was a child and i came to terms in the past few years that my fate would always be suicide. we are all put on this earth to die anyway, so the most humane thing i can do for myself is to make an early end. i'm nervous of what the dying process of sn will feel like. i've read lots of threads but it feels like nothing truly prepares me. i'm just scared of failing really. the only thing/person i'll miss is my little sister, i'm worried about how my death will affect her but i will not be able to have any control over that in the end. i will be leaving a note for my mom, dad, older sister, and boyfriend. my life will finally be over in a couple months. i felt so happy thinking about that yesterday - that it'll be over soon. i have no one waiting for me on the other side except my childhood dog. if reincarnation exists then i hope to come back as a black cat, a housecat.
as much as i am scared of what comes after, i feel ready. i've been suicidal since i was a child and i came to terms in the past few years that my fate would always be suicide. we are all put on this earth to die anyway, so the most humane thing i can do for myself is to make an early end. i'm nervous of what the dying process of sn will feel like. i've read lots of threads but it feels like nothing truly prepares me. i'm just scared of failing really. the only thing/person i'll miss is my little sister, i'm worried about how my death will affect her but i will not be able to have any control over that in the end. i will be leaving a note for my mom, dad, older sister, and boyfriend. my life will finally be over in a couple months. i felt so happy thinking about that yesterday - that it'll be over soon. i have no one waiting for me on the other side except my childhood dog. if reincarnation exists then i hope to come back as a black cat, a housecat.
