Venting No more. Please.

[inkmage333]

I can't take it anymore I don't want to live and everything hurts. I never asked for this existence and I never asked for a life of suffering. What did I do to deserve everything that happened to me in my life? Whenever a chance at healing comes to me it gets taken away when things finally start going well. It's like the universe just loves playing a cruel trick on me and using me as a punching bag.

I can't take seeing everyone else (friends and family) be better than me and progress in life while I'm still in the same place I was before, if not in a worse state. I keep being told "everyone grows at their own pace" but I've remained stagnant while even everyone else that was worse off has managed to find growth in their lives. I have family members starting businesses, finding successful careers, suceeding in complicated majors OR finding something they actually like to do for their lives. I have friends that are doing the same thing.

Me? I'm still stagnant. I only picked my major (somewhere in healthcare) because it was the easiest one I could do while also being able to pay the bills. Otherwise I don't enjoy it, I probably never will because I've never been able to enjoy anything I've done (so no, changing my major to something I'd enjoy is impossible for me because I'm incapable of enjoying anything proper). I'm stuck in a life I don't enjoy, will never enjoy or find fulfillment in, because genuinely nothing brings me fulfillment anymore.

So because of that, everyone will leave! Everyone, friends and family, will leave for more successful peers, or at least people who bring them more enjoyment than I ever will because I'm stagnant. My mom's already trying to leave us even as she denies it, and my friends and family are all going to different places where they'll meet people just as sucessful as them. And I'll be left alone.

And everyone forces me to live when I tell them this! "Everyone grows at their own pace", "please live for me at least", "please don't do anything bad to yourself" none of you understand!! None of you understand how much it hurts and how much it consumes my mind!! I want the pain to stop at last but everything and everyone keeps forcing me to live and everything moves too fast for me to be able to settle down properly and think of a way to ctb while simultaneously fitting my criteria of being quick and painless (and affordable)! I truly think at this point the only way I'd be able to die is if a disease catches me or someone else kills me. Because I'm a coward!! I'm a stupid coward who runs away when things get rough or painful even when my pain tolerance is high!!

I can't. I can't take it anymore. I want it all to end so badly.

 

[InevitableDeath]

If its any consolation, this metaphorical bit of yours is a reality of mine

Whenever a chance at healing comes to me it gets taken away when things finally start going well. It's like the universe just loves playing a cruel trick on me and using me as a punching bag.

Try living through post-separation abuse, where your ex partner actually monitors you, has people beat you up, break into your home, smash up your stuff, take your children, smear you to friends etc

I promise you the reality of that is worse than the metaphor. I don't mean to diminish your suffering at all, when its bad its bad.

I truly hope it gets better for you. I'm dead already after numerous failed attempts. End is nigh.