Venting Nightmare

[betterinthedark]

Since my boyfriend overdosed on monday, and the suicide attempt I witnessed at work on Tuesday, I've began feeling numb. I can't tell how I feel anymore. Last night I had a nightmare that my dad shot himself while I hid in the bathroom crying. I am surrounded by death, I cant even escape it in my sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so weird I can't even get up to cut myself anymore. I don't know how long I can keep going, but I have no idea how to kill myself. I feel like a hypocrite for trying to stop my boyfriend and my customer from ending their lives just to do it myself. I am lost.

Since my boyfriend overdosed on monday, and the suicide attempt I witnessed at work on Tuesday, I've began feeling numb. I can't tell how I feel anymore. Last night I had a nightmare that my dad shot himself while I hid in the bathroom crying. I am surrounded by death, I cant even escape it in my sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so weird I can't even get up to cut myself anymore. I don't know how long I can keep going, but I have no idea how to kill myself. I feel like a hypocrite for trying to stop my boyfriend and my customer from ending their lives just to do it myself. I am lost.

I apologize for posting so much but this is the only place I can speak my mind without hurting others or risking a trip to the hospital.

 

[betterinthedark]

I just found out the customer who attempted suicide by cop died. He got what he wanted, and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I know I'm on this forum, but I don't want people to die. I would do anything to change someone's mind. I did nothing. I'm a horrible person.

 

[kufajoy]

Ik loosing someone important hurts much then loosing myself. Most of us don't live for ourselves. So when we lost every connection and anchor we lost. Maybe try to imagine from their perspective. It might give you a little relief.

 

[betterinthedark]

Ik loosing someone important hurts much then loosing myself. Most of us don't live for ourselves. So when we lost every connection and anchor we lost. Maybe try to imagine from their perspective. It might give you a little relief.

I'm sorry if I confused you, my boyfriend is alive, I got police to him in time. My customer did not make it though. I didn't know him well but it hurts because maybe I could've done more.

 

[webb&flow]

I just found out the customer who attempted suicide by cop died. He got what he wanted, and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I know I'm on this forum, but I don't want people to die. I would do anything to change someone's mind. I did nothing. I'm a horrible person.

i'm so sorry to hear this. i also hope that customer was still alive as well. you did what you could; you saved your boyfriend's life

it's not your fault
i know this is cliche, but, it's not your fault

i'm really sorry you had to see that.

you're not a hypocrite for feeling suicidal amidst death and harm of others. you're just really shocked by all this scary stuff happening and its not your fault. you deserve relaxation <3.

Please know it's not your fault at all. You did what you could, you saved your boyfriend's life <3. You love him and I promise that you've done a lot for him in his life <3, even when you feel powerless, even when you feel you can't avert harm from people. Even if you can't avert harm from people, you can still help tend to their wounds with your care and honestly <3.

your life matters too <3

i wish you way more than luck. amongst all this. this is a lot of pain you're dealing with. I truly hope you are able to heal from all this and live a peaceful life, and feel safe and secure and feel like everyone you love is safe and secure as well.

Dreams are just subconscious fears. It's not a "prophecy", just a fear. Maybe your dream represents you feeling powerless in the face of other people attempting suicide. It's just like thoughts we experience.

I could have written much better words to you so I am sorry for that too. It always feels like we could have done more. I promise I resonate with that too.

Wishing you the best of luck. I hope you will have many many many more years with your boyfriend, that you will both live happily into old age and heal from all the pain you've had as well. Best wishes <3