Venting New year. Now what?

[Kazu Ha]

It's the same as always.
I'll remain lonely. My hopes and dreams continue to be shattered.
My old best friends won't suddenly come around the corner and want to do something with me again.
I'm the same failure I've been for the last few years.

My family and the few people I'm in contact with don't understand me and think that everything will magically get better again. But it won't.

I wanted to kill myself months ago, but I kept backing out for some reason.
Hopefully, I'll finally find the courage in January to end the suffering.

 

[Seaghost]

What makes you think your hopes and dreams are not feasible?
Your are talking that you're a failure. Maybe you wanna tell us more?

That magical stuff which is makinge everything better and healed I'm searching too. If you find it. Please tell us.
Even Neo took the red pill....

 

[Kazu Ha]

What makes you think your hopes and dreams are not feasible?
Your are talking that you're a failure. Maybe you wanna tell us more?

That magical stuff which is makinge everything better and healed I'm searching too. If you find it. Please tell us.
Even Neo took the red pill....

To achieve my dreams, I need someone I can trust. My two best friends were the best people I have for this because they thought the same way as me. I miss them so much and still dream about them very often...
We had a lot planned for 2025 - going to conventions, cosplaying, going for walks at night. Just enjoying life and making the most of our time.
We even planned to move into a shared apartment and maybe visit other countries (especially Japan).

Unfortunately, my social anxiety prevents me from doing all of that on my own. And since my favorite person left me, my hope has also left me. And my BPD is kicking in more and more.

I never really did well in school or at work. My social anxiety kicked in extremely in both areas, so I've been unemployed for years now, which only makes me an even bigger failure.
When I look at my former group of friends, they've all achieved something. They have good friends, a job, relationship, ... .
And then there's me, a 28-year-old who has completely failed and is becoming more and more isolated because I can't trust anyone anymore.

Next week, I might give therapy one last chance (I tried it twice years ago, but both times it did absolutely nothing for me).
I no longer believe that anyone can help me or understand me. I don't seem to fit into this world.