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camusfan_ig

camusfan_ig

Member
Nov 11, 2025
39
*And if you do, MAKE SURE IT'S HIDDEN

I was reckless.

The other day, in my journal I wrote down some thoughts I was having during my suicidal ideation. The thing is, I usually don't even journal, and I thought no one would care enough to move the piles of stuff that the journal was hidden under.

Turns out I was wrong.

Quite literally the NEXT day, my stepmom found it. And read through it. She later expressed to me that she was sorry, that she shouldn't have done it. But what's done is done. If I didn't already have bad trust issues, I definitely do now. Cuz of this whole event, I had a very long conversation with her and my dad which I won't get into much. My stepmom tried to get me counseling but I refused and so did my dad. I think they gave me some okayish advice, but the rest of the conversation, hearing them talk,, I just felt. Idek man. Dumb. Upset. Angry at them and myself. Such a mixed bag of emotions.

One of my worst fears is someone finding out something they aren't supposed to. And it happened. It fucking happened. All cuz I was stupid and didn't hide it well enough. Well, I know now. From now on I am being EXTRA careful, with this, and with everything else in my life.

Please learn from my mistakes. If you have a journal, or anything that expresses your thoughts, KEEP IT HIDDEN.
 
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Gangrel

Gangrel

bark bark ᯓ★
Jul 25, 2024
700
Honestly i don't know if i can place the blame on them too because she might have thought it was just a wathever thing you had wrote, you're right, stuff like this should be hidden. Want a suggestion? write it here, lots of people use the sanctuary as a diary, you could use your profile posts too
 
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Alpacachino

Alpacachino

How my day starts ↑
Nov 26, 2025
357
It's best to keep an online diary that's locked on your phone with a fingerprint and PIN code. Simple.

When I was a kid, my sister recommended me to keep a diary. Do you know why she did this? So that she could read it. I'm not even kidding. One day when I was going into the restroom, I saw something flitting into my bedroom.

I came out from the restroom a minute later and I went to my cupboard and took out my diary from underneath the pile of clothes I had hid it under. And I could see the clothes had been shifted a bit and I knew exactly what had happened. I went down and I saw my sister with a nervous look on her face, trying to act like she was watching TV.

I stopped using a journal from that day onwards.
 
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bunnÆ´

bunnÆ´

Member
Sep 7, 2025
23
what i do is i hide it in my drawers under my clothes it works cuz i have a messy drawer with clothes i dont wear
 
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EmptyBottle

EmptyBottle

:3
Apr 10, 2025
1,931
I use password protected libreoffice documents sometimes... text notes on Linux, and in Samsung Notes for the less sensitive stuff. If it is too sensitive, it tends to not get written, and forgotten, which can be better sometimes (coz sometimes even I don't want to read it later).

There is literally a password protected document called crap.odt for random (non diary) stuff. It's got random coloured text, straight out of the 'gutter', and is rarely opened and written to, besides today, I haven't written to it since September 30th.

Only I know it's contents (from the AI text, to the random phrases, to some extra text) and I think it'll stay that way.
 
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capi

capi

Just a matter of time.
Nov 13, 2023
216
seriously man..
cant even use my notes app because a SENTENCE FROM MY SUICIDE NOTE WAS ON MY SUGGESTED WIDGET FROM THE NOTES APP?
what the hell??
 
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ipmanwc0

ipmanwc0

Doctor Sleep
Sep 15, 2023
620
Same thing happened to me parents read my suicide letter and prevented 2 of my suicide attempts and made me stay in the psych ward 4 months
 
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EmptyBottle

EmptyBottle

:3
Apr 10, 2025
1,931
seriously man..
cant even use my notes app because a SENTENCE FROM MY SUICIDE NOTE WAS ON MY SUGGESTED WIDGET FROM THE NOTES APP?
what the hell??
maybe move it to page 2 and beyond... coz my notes said "do not copy page 1" (about a redaction for my dream, due to the text being nsfw) as soon as the notes app was opened.

Also, I pasted a canary by accident into a shared document (with realtime editing), and accidentally made my friends concerned (the canary said "not currently suicidal...")
 
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girl from mars

girl from mars

Member
Nov 1, 2025
39
that's so messed up. honestly, shame on her for invading your privacy and going through your stuff. I can't imagine how betrayed you felt

the only advice I can give is either having a notes app on your phone/computer that's password locked or placing your journal in an unconventional hiding spot (ex: mine is behind a photo frame against the wall)
 
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TheOneFreeDude

TheOneFreeDude

Member
Dec 8, 2024
31
I keep a PGP-locked file as a journal. AES256, not even the NSA could break that if they wished. Never write on paper though.
 
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jimmyinnout

jimmyinnout

Member
Sep 5, 2025
33
Also if you do write it down, don't use the paper as an impromptu bookmark for the unfinished library book you later ask your mom to return for you :O
 
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fallingbehind

fallingbehind

Passed down like folk songs
Mar 22, 2025
142
OVer the years I mustve written a hundred suicide notes, just trying to perfect them and just stashed them away. Theres no doubt atleast someone I know has read all of it, its a regret of mine.
 
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XiaroX

XiaroX

Team Empathy Singularity
Dec 5, 2025
109
*And if you do, MAKE SURE IT'S HIDDEN

I was reckless.

The other day, in my journal I wrote down some thoughts I was having during my suicidal ideation. The thing is, I usually don't even journal, and I thought no one would care enough to move the piles of stuff that the journal was hidden under.

Turns out I was wrong.

Quite literally the NEXT day, my stepmom found it. And read through it. She later expressed to me that she was sorry, that she shouldn't have done it. But what's done is done. If I didn't already have bad trust issues, I definitely do now. Cuz of this whole event, I had a very long conversation with her and my dad which I won't get into much. My stepmom tried to get me counseling but I refused and so did my dad. I think they gave me some okayish advice, but the rest of the conversation, hearing them talk,, I just felt. Idek man. Dumb. Upset. Angry at them and myself. Such a mixed bag of emotions.

One of my worst fears is someone finding out something they aren't supposed to. And it happened. It fucking happened. All cuz I was stupid and didn't hide it well enough. Well, I know now. From now on I am being EXTRA careful, with this, and with everything else in my life.

Please learn from my mistakes. If you have a journal, or anything that expresses your thoughts, KEEP IT HIDDEN.
My story is totally out there, on the net, I can't take it back. I don't actually want to. I stand by what I have written, and will face the consequences, because although I might not be the best speaker, the most eloquent, I feel it's important to try to pave the way for people like us.
OVer the years I mustve written a hundred suicide notes, just trying to perfect them and just stashed them away. Theres no doubt atleast someone I know has read all of it, its a regret of mine.
After I was hospitalized, then released on social assistance,, every time I picked up the money I dropped a lengthy suicide note into the trrash outside the building. Now I just have a 600 MB website that I have described as my suicide note in progress, but no one I know or have known really knows what it means, or cares.
 
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F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
14,552
I can understand it must be tempting for a parent or guardian. Almost especially if they care or are a bit concerned about us but, this must have felt like such an invasion of privacy.

There again- it's tricky for them now- having this knowledge. I can kind of see why they feel like an intervention is necessary. I hope things settle down.
 
XiaroX

XiaroX

Team Empathy Singularity
Dec 5, 2025
109
I can understand it must be tempting for a parent or guardian. Almost especially if they care or are a bit concerned about us but, this must have felt like such an invasion of privacy.

There again- it's tricky for them now- having this knowledge. I can kind of see why they feel like an intervention is necessary. I hope things settle down.
The weird thing in my case is that no one actually wanted to intervene. They wanted me to hide, and come out a couple of times a year, like at xmas, and pretend I was OK, even though I wasn't leaving the house for the rest of the year.
 
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F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
14,552
The weird thing in my case is that no one actually wanted to intervene. They wanted me to hide, and come out a couple of times a year, like at xmas, and pretend I was OK, even though I wasn't leaving the house for the rest of the year.

Yeah- that's relatable too. They want to see an act or the version of a person they remember. It's disappointing really because it feels like they aren't actually entirely bothered about the real 'us'. They just want us around for what they hope we are and what we represent.

Someone in my family once called me secretive. I really wanted to reply that I'm not at all. It's just that I know you aren't interested! You either go glazed, fall asleep or change the subject when I tell you stuff. So- why would I bother?

I tend to find family try to simply change the subject if the conversation becomes too disturbingly real/ revealing. I think they try to tell themselves they are sparing me the awkwardness but in reality- I think it's because they don't want to or, can't bear to hear it.

Maybe also- that if they pretend we're normal, that everything is normal- that maybe it will be. It's like a whole white wash effect. Just paint over the cracks and pretend they're not there.

It's actually been family friends who have taken the trouble to dig just slightly under the surface to see the mess underneath for me. It's felt simultaneously very caring- at least there was someone paying attention but, at the same time- disappointing, that it wasn't family. But then, maybe some people are just more capable of handling things than others. It's also probably easier to see that a friend is screwed up- rather than your own child!

I think there's the whole issue that- if a child is messed up- what does that say about the parenting? I think that's also something parents don't want to confront or admit.

Sorry OP- for derailing in the opposite direction. I suppose it's difficult in both scenarios. Either the more nosey, oppressive parent or the one who is less invested.
 
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fadedghost

fadedghost

Found SaSu after reading BBC & watching YouTube
Dec 10, 2025
283
You should try to keep a diary in an operating system that does not have telemetry and has encryption that can't easily be broken (either through hacks or brute force).


Information on what I just said if you are semi-tech-illiterate:

Operating system (OS)

The software that runs a computer or phone and manages hardware and applications. Examples: Windows, macOS, Android, Linux.

Telemetry

Automatic collection and transmission of device data to company servers, often presented as "help improve your experience" to get users to accept it.

How telemetry can leak passwords — examples

Crash dumps, diagnostic logs, autofill sync, or misconfigured uploads can capture and send credentials. Windows often nudges users to sign in with a Microsoft account, which can cause recovery secrets or synced credentials to be stored in Microsoft's cloud.

BitLocker and Microsoft storage of recovery keys

If you enable BitLocker and sign in with a Microsoft account or accept default prompts, Windows will back up the BitLocker recovery key to your Microsoft account. Microsoft then holds that key; anyone who can compel Microsoft (law enforcement with a warrant or similar authority) or who gains access to the account can decrypt the drive without local brute force.

How Windows tricks users into giving up passwords or keys

Windows presents cloud sign-in, backup, and recovery as "recommended" with default accept buttons during setup and app prompts, making the cloud-backed option the easiest choice.

Brute force attacks — how they work and who can do them, with costs

Brute force tries many passwords until one works. Attackers use tools like Hashcat on GPUs for offline hashes (very fast) or scripts for online logins (slower due to rate limits). Single criminals can use a consumer GPU (hundreds of dollars) to crack weak passwords. Criminal gangs rent or run GPU farms (tens to hundreds of dollars per day). Governments use large clusters or specialized hardware at much higher cost. Renting a few cloud GPUs is roughly $50–$500/day; large targeted operations can cost thousands to millions.

Hacks (other ways passwords are obtained)

Phishing, malware/keyloggers, exploiting software bugs, or stealing backups capture plaintext without breaking encryption.

Diary (digital journal)

Personal entries saved as files or in an app. Keep diaries encrypted, avoid untrusted cloud sync, and avoid apps that send telemetry by default.

Open-source OSes with minimal telemetry — examples

Desktop: Debian, Fedora Silverblue, PureOS, Parabola.
Mobile: LineageOS, /e/ OS, GrapheneOS.

Virtual machine (VM) option and privacy limitations

Run a privacy-focused OS in VirtualBox, QEMU, or VMware and encrypt the guest disk. The host can still access VM images, memory, or network traffic; avoid shared folders and clipboard and minimize host telemetry.

Passphrase examples by attacker capability

Single criminal with one GPU — explanation and example
Use ~16–20 characters: 3–4 uncommon words, mixed case, two digits, two symbols. Example: BlueFence7!paper%9

Criminal gang with many GPUs — explanation and example
Use ~24–32 characters: 4–6 unrelated words, mixed case, several digits, multiple symbols. Example: river-apple7-silver!horse%21

Government-scale cracking — explanation and example
Use 35+ characters: long sentence-style passphrase or 6–8 unrelated words, mixed case, 3–4 digits, multiple symbols; combine with MFA for critical accounts. Example: MyGrandpaLoved2Paint-BlueWalls!1984@

(These are just examples and there is software available to estimate how long cracking would take for various passwords if you are serious.)

Open-source vs closed-source — simple explanation

What is code / source code?
Code is the instructions people write to make software do things. Source code is the human-readable version of those instructions (what programmers write).

Source code written in programming languages is designed to be human-readable, which makes it easier for developers to understand, modify, and collaborate on software projects. However, this source code must be compiled into binary format for the computer to execute it, rendering it inaccessible to humans in its original form. In the case of closed-source software, only the binary files are provided to users, leaving them without visibility into the underlying code. This lack of access can create security risks, as users cannot verify how the software operates. To address this concern in open-source software, hashes are used to create a unique fingerprint of the compiled code, allowing users to compare the hash of the available binary against the original code. This process helps ensure that the binary has not been tampered with, providing some level of assurance about its integrity and security.

What is open source?
Open source means the source code is published so anyone can read it, check it, and build the software themselves. Because the code is visible, independent reviewers and security researchers can look for bugs or hidden backdoors. You can also verify a downloaded build matches the published one by comparing a cryptographic hash or signature — a short fixed string that changes if the program is altered.

What is a hash?
A hash is like a fingerprint for a file: a short string of letters and numbers produced from the file's exact contents. If the file changes at all, the hash changes. Projects publish hashes so users can confirm they received the exact file the project released.

What is closed source?
Closed source means the company does not publish the source code. You get only the compiled program (the version the computer runs), which isn't human-readable. Examples include Windows and macOS. Because the source isn't public, independent parties can't easily inspect it for hidden code.

Why backdoors are almost certain in closed-source corporate software

Closed-source software means the company does not publish the human-readable instructions (source code) that make the program run. Because the public can't read that code, independent people cannot reliably confirm the software has no hidden access mechanisms. Governments routinely seek access for investigations and national security; courts and laws (including secret orders from national security courts) can compel companies to cooperate. Companies have commercial incentives to comply rather than risk penalties, and technical access features (recovery keys, remote management, debugging hooks, telemetry channels) are often built in for support and convenience.

The combination of legal compulsion, business pressure, and built-in remote-access features makes it extremely unlikely that no closed-source corporate products contain backdoors or undisclosed ways for authorities (or attackers who gain access to those channels) to get in. In contrast, open-source projects publish their source code so anyone can inspect it; that transparency makes undisclosed backdoors far harder to hide because independent reviewers can examine the code and builds, sophisticated computer users can compile that code into binaries and then take hashes, and then average users can compare the hashes of available binaries with hashes developers publish. The end result helps computer users know that the binary they download is the same as the published open source code because the hashes match, making it impossible for governments to demand back doors without the backdoors being visible to open source computer users who inspect the open source code.
 
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XiaroX

XiaroX

Team Empathy Singularity
Dec 5, 2025
109
You should try to keep a diary in an operating system that does not have telemetry and has encryption that can't easily be broken (either through hacks or brute force).


Information on what I just said if you are semi-tech-illiterate:

Operating system (OS)

The software that runs a computer or phone and manages hardware and applications. Examples: Windows, macOS, Android, Linux.

Telemetry

Automatic collection and transmission of device data to company servers, often presented as "help improve your experience" to get users to accept it.

How telemetry can leak passwords — examples

Crash dumps, diagnostic logs, autofill sync, or misconfigured uploads can capture and send credentials. Windows often nudges users to sign in with a Microsoft account, which can cause recovery secrets or synced credentials to be stored in Microsoft's cloud.

BitLocker and Microsoft storage of recovery keys

If you enable BitLocker and sign in with a Microsoft account or accept default prompts, Windows will back up the BitLocker recovery key to your Microsoft account. Microsoft then holds that key; anyone who can compel Microsoft (law enforcement with a warrant or similar authority) or who gains access to the account can decrypt the drive without local brute force.

How Windows tricks users into giving up passwords or keys

Windows presents cloud sign-in, backup, and recovery as "recommended" with default accept buttons during setup and app prompts, making the cloud-backed option the easiest choice.

Brute force attacks — how they work and who can do them, with costs

Brute force tries many passwords until one works. Attackers use tools like Hashcat on GPUs for offline hashes (very fast) or scripts for online logins (slower due to rate limits). Single criminals can use a consumer GPU (hundreds of dollars) to crack weak passwords. Criminal gangs rent or run GPU farms (tens to hundreds of dollars per day). Governments use large clusters or specialized hardware at much higher cost. Renting a few cloud GPUs is roughly $50–$500/day; large targeted operations can cost thousands to millions.

Hacks (other ways passwords are obtained)

Phishing, malware/keyloggers, exploiting software bugs, or stealing backups capture plaintext without breaking encryption.

Diary (digital journal)

Personal entries saved as files or in an app. Keep diaries encrypted, avoid untrusted cloud sync, and avoid apps that send telemetry by default.

Open-source OSes with minimal telemetry — examples

Desktop: Debian, Fedora Silverblue, PureOS, Parabola.
Mobile: LineageOS, /e/ OS, GrapheneOS.

Virtual machine (VM) option and privacy limitations

Run a privacy-focused OS in VirtualBox, QEMU, or VMware and encrypt the guest disk. The host can still access VM images, memory, or network traffic; avoid shared folders and clipboard and minimize host telemetry.

Passphrase examples by attacker capability

Single criminal with one GPU — explanation and example
Use ~16–20 characters: 3–4 uncommon words, mixed case, two digits, two symbols. Example: BlueFence7!paper%9

Criminal gang with many GPUs — explanation and example
Use ~24–32 characters: 4–6 unrelated words, mixed case, several digits, multiple symbols. Example: river-apple7-silver!horse%21

Government-scale cracking — explanation and example
Use 35+ characters: long sentence-style passphrase or 6–8 unrelated words, mixed case, 3–4 digits, multiple symbols; combine with MFA for critical accounts. Example: MyGrandpaLoved2Paint-BlueWalls!1984@

(These are just examples and there is software available to estimate how long cracking would take for various passwords if you are serious.)

Open-source vs closed-source — simple explanation

What is code / source code?
Code is the instructions people write to make software do things. Source code is the human-readable version of those instructions (what programmers write).

What is open source?
Open source means the source code is published so anyone can read it, check it, and build the software themselves. Because the code is visible, independent reviewers and security researchers can look for bugs or hidden backdoors. You can also verify a downloaded build matches the published one by comparing a cryptographic hash or signature — a short fixed string that changes if the program is altered.

What is a hash?
A hash is like a fingerprint for a file: a short string of letters and numbers produced from the file's exact contents. If the file changes at all, the hash changes. Projects publish hashes so users can confirm they received the exact file the project released.

What is closed source?
Closed source means the company does not publish the source code. You get only the compiled program (the version the computer runs), which isn't human-readable. Examples include Windows and macOS. Because the source isn't public, independent parties can't easily inspect it for hidden code.

Why backdoors are almost certain in closed-source corporate software

Closed-source software means the company does not publish the human-readable instructions (source code) that make the program run. Because the public can't read that code, independent people cannot reliably confirm the software has no hidden access mechanisms. Governments routinely seek access for investigations and national security; courts and laws (including secret orders from national security courts) can compel companies to cooperate. Companies have commercial incentives to comply rather than risk penalties, and technical access features (recovery keys, remote management, debugging hooks, telemetry channels) are often built in for support and convenience.

The combination of legal compulsion, business pressure, and built-in remote-access features makes it extremely unlikely that no closed-source corporate products contain backdoors or undisclosed ways for authorities (or attackers who gain access to those channels) to get in. In contrast, open-source projects publish their source code so anyone can inspect it; that transparency makes undisclosed backdoors far harder to hide because independent reviewers can examine the code and builds.
Thank you for posting this.
 
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fadedghost

fadedghost

Found SaSu after reading BBC & watching YouTube
Dec 10, 2025
283
Thank you for posting this.
I added to it to try to go into how source code is turned into a binary, which is how backdoors are hidden. (Source code written in programming languages is designed to be human-readable...) It doesn't fully explain things without that.
 
XiaroX

XiaroX

Team Empathy Singularity
Dec 5, 2025
109
This has taken me some time to process, but I think I get it now. Thank you.
 
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fadedghost

fadedghost

Found SaSu after reading BBC & watching YouTube
Dec 10, 2025
283
unless it's air-gaped they could use a 0 day exploit, it's not true
I keep a PGP-locked file as a journal. AES256, not even the NSA could break that if they wished. Never write on paper though.
 

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