stopped being active here for a long time because i didn't like the things being said here.
i'm only back for the reason that my loneliness is at an extreme level. it deeply fucking hurts to be alone.
for the past 2 years, i've lived essentially as a hikikomori. it hurt to go out and so i stayed in. mostly active at night because the day time also inflicted painful memories. i can't be around busy areas with people being around others they're close with. all of my food is delivered and i eat very cheaply. making last for a month or more. only buying the necessities to make the money stretch. i tried to make money by doing non-traditional jobs, but it all failed in the end.
started studying to gain a skill because i have nothing to show since i never graduated when i did college back then due to financial problems. instead, recently got certificates but haven't gotten any calls at all. degrees are still preferred and stupid ass requirements for entry-level jobs requiring a 1 year related professional experience eliminates my chances. instead been doing home lab exercises just to compensate. all of my work experience has been manual labor and i'm tired of using my body until it breaks.
i couldn't kill myself during the span of 2 years. it either failed or i was too afraid. tried a gun, sn, and rope for partial. i'm stuck. i don't want to be here, but i can't kill myself. since i'm dangerously low on money, i had to make a decision. i ended up fixing my car to be operational and be taken out of PNO. haven't driven it for more than 2 years. failed the smog so more expenses to make it pass, had to get insurance, then will need registration which will be even more money.
since early last year, i've tried to apply for jobs, but no one wants to hire me. literally no one. not even fast food places. now that i'm even more desperate for money, i'm going to try to do uber driving and delivery. did it in the past. however, fixing the car is becoming an expensive investment. i'm running out of money and no one can or wants to support me. if this doesn't work out, then i'm fucked. i have left over sn that i will attempt one last time when that time comes.
started cleaning the apartment a bit. it has 2 years worth of garbage. it was a lot of work and my body hurt due to being inactive for the same duration. my disgusting ass roommate who has shit hygiene is completely useless with cleaning even before all of this happened. so i had to clean a significant amount of garbage, dirt, mildew, soap scum, slime..etc. i used to clean this apartment every week since i started living here. from here on, i can only do it once a month, maybe two. it's still not done, and i'm exhausted.
my roommate is the type to leave meat juices spilling and sitting in the fridge, which caused to spill over my own food and he didn't even fucking clean any of it. he also hasn't washed his bed sheet, blankets and pillow cases for more than 4 years. his sheet has already ripped off and there are sweat and dirt stains on his mattress. his window is always open so the room is completely covered in dust, hair, and whatever else. he might as well be sleeping outside on the pavement or better yet, the dirt. so i will never get help from this disgusting mother fucker. never did since day 1, and it exhausts me because i've gained enough motivation to try and clean again.
driving around is very painful for me. i can't stand the site of familiar streets or being out in general. it always hits me how god damn lonely i am while i drive. to lose important people in your life and never being able to go back to those days any longer. driving at night is only a bit better. it still fucking hurts because it's the same streety, except that it's mostly empty.
when in my room, in front of my computer, i get in a slight panicked state. getting on stream sights to find live gameplay or some other just to feel less pain. getting on discord but finding no one to message. same for the phone. i'd break down and it becomes a constant reminder of how alone and lonely i am.
i'm extremely lonely, and i'm looking for someone to spend time with while i go through all the shit in my life. i'm not good with conversations. i mostly talk about pains in my life and complaints about other things. also, i haven't really spoke out loud for most of the 2 years because there's really no one to talk to. so forming sentences is somewhat challenging. i'm out of practice.
i don't really watch shows or movies as much anymore but have played some games. i am a cynical and skeptical person and not one to believe in false hope and blind optimism. this is something i developed after further seeing the reality of how society functions (especially against suicide as a choice) and how people have developed their own beliefs through religious context or some other. also, i'm not religious. never will be. i don't believe in a god or any other higher power nonsense. it does nothing, because it's simply fantasy.
i'm looking for someone that doesn't mind talking about these types of topics. i will listen to your problems or whatever else you want to talk about, but as much as i'd like to, i can't give any advice because i've realized that i can't. i can mostly be there for you in presence.
message me if you're willing. eventually and preferably would like to use discord so it's easier to communicate.
and for anyone whose reason for messaging me is because they think i'm a girl based on my name and they're hoping to score -- no, i'm a guy. i'm not gay or bi, i'm completely straight. so take that elsewhere. i have my own personal reason for choosing this female-base name and it has nothing to do with my sexual orientation and gender identification.
i don't have high hopes to meet any friends here based on my experience. i don't simply throw the word 'friend' easily neither. let's see if we can actually reach a level of friendship.
i'm only back for the reason that my loneliness is at an extreme level. it deeply fucking hurts to be alone.
for the past 2 years, i've lived essentially as a hikikomori. it hurt to go out and so i stayed in. mostly active at night because the day time also inflicted painful memories. i can't be around busy areas with people being around others they're close with. all of my food is delivered and i eat very cheaply. making last for a month or more. only buying the necessities to make the money stretch. i tried to make money by doing non-traditional jobs, but it all failed in the end.
started studying to gain a skill because i have nothing to show since i never graduated when i did college back then due to financial problems. instead, recently got certificates but haven't gotten any calls at all. degrees are still preferred and stupid ass requirements for entry-level jobs requiring a 1 year related professional experience eliminates my chances. instead been doing home lab exercises just to compensate. all of my work experience has been manual labor and i'm tired of using my body until it breaks.
i couldn't kill myself during the span of 2 years. it either failed or i was too afraid. tried a gun, sn, and rope for partial. i'm stuck. i don't want to be here, but i can't kill myself. since i'm dangerously low on money, i had to make a decision. i ended up fixing my car to be operational and be taken out of PNO. haven't driven it for more than 2 years. failed the smog so more expenses to make it pass, had to get insurance, then will need registration which will be even more money.
since early last year, i've tried to apply for jobs, but no one wants to hire me. literally no one. not even fast food places. now that i'm even more desperate for money, i'm going to try to do uber driving and delivery. did it in the past. however, fixing the car is becoming an expensive investment. i'm running out of money and no one can or wants to support me. if this doesn't work out, then i'm fucked. i have left over sn that i will attempt one last time when that time comes.
started cleaning the apartment a bit. it has 2 years worth of garbage. it was a lot of work and my body hurt due to being inactive for the same duration. my disgusting ass roommate who has shit hygiene is completely useless with cleaning even before all of this happened. so i had to clean a significant amount of garbage, dirt, mildew, soap scum, slime..etc. i used to clean this apartment every week since i started living here. from here on, i can only do it once a month, maybe two. it's still not done, and i'm exhausted.
my roommate is the type to leave meat juices spilling and sitting in the fridge, which caused to spill over my own food and he didn't even fucking clean any of it. he also hasn't washed his bed sheet, blankets and pillow cases for more than 4 years. his sheet has already ripped off and there are sweat and dirt stains on his mattress. his window is always open so the room is completely covered in dust, hair, and whatever else. he might as well be sleeping outside on the pavement or better yet, the dirt. so i will never get help from this disgusting mother fucker. never did since day 1, and it exhausts me because i've gained enough motivation to try and clean again.
driving around is very painful for me. i can't stand the site of familiar streets or being out in general. it always hits me how god damn lonely i am while i drive. to lose important people in your life and never being able to go back to those days any longer. driving at night is only a bit better. it still fucking hurts because it's the same streety, except that it's mostly empty.
when in my room, in front of my computer, i get in a slight panicked state. getting on stream sights to find live gameplay or some other just to feel less pain. getting on discord but finding no one to message. same for the phone. i'd break down and it becomes a constant reminder of how alone and lonely i am.
i'm extremely lonely, and i'm looking for someone to spend time with while i go through all the shit in my life. i'm not good with conversations. i mostly talk about pains in my life and complaints about other things. also, i haven't really spoke out loud for most of the 2 years because there's really no one to talk to. so forming sentences is somewhat challenging. i'm out of practice.
i don't really watch shows or movies as much anymore but have played some games. i am a cynical and skeptical person and not one to believe in false hope and blind optimism. this is something i developed after further seeing the reality of how society functions (especially against suicide as a choice) and how people have developed their own beliefs through religious context or some other. also, i'm not religious. never will be. i don't believe in a god or any other higher power nonsense. it does nothing, because it's simply fantasy.
i'm looking for someone that doesn't mind talking about these types of topics. i will listen to your problems or whatever else you want to talk about, but as much as i'd like to, i can't give any advice because i've realized that i can't. i can mostly be there for you in presence.
message me if you're willing. eventually and preferably would like to use discord so it's easier to communicate.
and for anyone whose reason for messaging me is because they think i'm a girl based on my name and they're hoping to score -- no, i'm a guy. i'm not gay or bi, i'm completely straight. so take that elsewhere. i have my own personal reason for choosing this female-base name and it has nothing to do with my sexual orientation and gender identification.
i don't have high hopes to meet any friends here based on my experience. i don't simply throw the word 'friend' easily neither. let's see if we can actually reach a level of friendship.
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