Life Is My Coffin
One final action ⚰️⚰️⚰️
- Oct 13, 2023
- 326
OK, so basically the last couple weeks have been absolutely miserable beyond comprehension. My friend I've known since i was 14 CTB on 01/01/2025 and all I've been thinking about over and over again was how I should probably follow in his footsteps and do the same just on 01/01/2026.
I keep trying to tell myself over and over that things could be worse, that I should be grateful my body still works. But mentally? My mind and psyche are constantly in pain. I keep thinking I could do better if I could just get control over my own brain. I'm 30, I'm attractive (yeah, I'm not tall, but I've realized that shit doesn't matter nearly as much as insecure dudes act like it does) and I know my life could be a lot worse. But the fact that I'm living with two personality disorders makes everything feel like a constant fucked-up hell. Some days it feels like there's no escape from the mental pain.
before I get into everything else, I also want to say my grandmother is dying. She's one of the only people who's been genuinely real with me since day one. She has Alzheimer's, and I know it's only a matter of time before she forgets who I am. And that crushes me on top of everything else I'm already dealing with.
I've put myself into two relationships this year that ended in completely traumatic ways for me. the second (and more recent one) was long-distance, and it didn't last because the girl literally stopped talking to me out of nowhere after one argument. no explanation. nothing. After everything she said about loving me, after all the emotions she showed, she just went totally silent. I tried everything to get her to talk to me again. Nothing. It broke me so bad. She even took one of my shirts when I visited, a shirt that meant quite a lot to me, so I kept trying to reach out, at the very least to get it back. But talking to her is like talking to a wall. After enough attempts, I just had to cut my losses. it really sucks. but clearly I can't do anything. the bitch talks to her friends and posts on IG all the time, but doesn't reply to me or return my calls despite all the claims that she loved me for weeks and weeks and how she cried so hard when it was time for me to leave after visiting her. Guess the "love language" (as she called it) she presented to me didn't mean shit, at least not in the way she tricked me into believing it did
The other girl means even more to me. I've known her 15 years, and we have this long, messy, on-and-off history. I've written about her on here before. Just two days ago she tried to get back in contact with me again after we had another bad episode. But the last time we spoke, things were terrible. She bought tickets for something that meant a so much to me, something I wanted to experience with her so bad and the loving anticipation I had for it gave me butterflies for about half a year....and when it came down to it she just decided to go alone. She spent weeks trying to convince me not to go, saying she'd sell the tickets because she wouldn't go without me, and then just goes without me. That destroyed me. Maybe to other people it wouldn't seem like a big deal, but when you've spent months looking forward to something with the person you love, and they just switch up like that? It fucking kills you. I was so wrecked I called people I hadn't spoken to in months just to cry on the phone to them. I had zero options.
I honestly thought I was done with her after that. But now, two days ago, she's been begging me to come back into her life again. And while part of me wishes I could forget what happened, I just can't. Her birthday's coming up soon, and I'm even considering spending some time with her at the very least… but beyond that? I don't know how I'm supposed to handle something long-term when my heart is still torn up by what she did. If she hadn't fucked me up like that, I'd take her back without question. But right now… I don't know if I can. I am speaking to her a little bit though just cuz her birthday is approaching and it's hard to ignore a person ive known for this long. I'm not a heartless piece of shit like the other girl, after all
on top of all this i am addicted to 7oh (a kratom extract) and its killing me financially . the shit isn't cheap. I began abusing it to help with the internal pain. i'm really upset because a new shipment of it from UPS looks like it's not coming today (i fucking hate UPS). so looks like i'll have to spend another $35 at the corner market just to get me through another day. The holidays coming up soon to have been hard on my wallet
please, if anybody has any advice of what I should do in the situation, it's just so hard. I wish I could forget the past. Honest and truly, I wish I could just let go of things that hurt me the most. If I could do that I'd return to her, but the fact she did this to me is like a roadblock when I consider going back. Sure would be nice to have her love and support considering all the fucking unbearable hell ive been living
I keep trying to tell myself over and over that things could be worse, that I should be grateful my body still works. But mentally? My mind and psyche are constantly in pain. I keep thinking I could do better if I could just get control over my own brain. I'm 30, I'm attractive (yeah, I'm not tall, but I've realized that shit doesn't matter nearly as much as insecure dudes act like it does) and I know my life could be a lot worse. But the fact that I'm living with two personality disorders makes everything feel like a constant fucked-up hell. Some days it feels like there's no escape from the mental pain.
before I get into everything else, I also want to say my grandmother is dying. She's one of the only people who's been genuinely real with me since day one. She has Alzheimer's, and I know it's only a matter of time before she forgets who I am. And that crushes me on top of everything else I'm already dealing with.
I've put myself into two relationships this year that ended in completely traumatic ways for me. the second (and more recent one) was long-distance, and it didn't last because the girl literally stopped talking to me out of nowhere after one argument. no explanation. nothing. After everything she said about loving me, after all the emotions she showed, she just went totally silent. I tried everything to get her to talk to me again. Nothing. It broke me so bad. She even took one of my shirts when I visited, a shirt that meant quite a lot to me, so I kept trying to reach out, at the very least to get it back. But talking to her is like talking to a wall. After enough attempts, I just had to cut my losses. it really sucks. but clearly I can't do anything. the bitch talks to her friends and posts on IG all the time, but doesn't reply to me or return my calls despite all the claims that she loved me for weeks and weeks and how she cried so hard when it was time for me to leave after visiting her. Guess the "love language" (as she called it) she presented to me didn't mean shit, at least not in the way she tricked me into believing it did
The other girl means even more to me. I've known her 15 years, and we have this long, messy, on-and-off history. I've written about her on here before. Just two days ago she tried to get back in contact with me again after we had another bad episode. But the last time we spoke, things were terrible. She bought tickets for something that meant a so much to me, something I wanted to experience with her so bad and the loving anticipation I had for it gave me butterflies for about half a year....and when it came down to it she just decided to go alone. She spent weeks trying to convince me not to go, saying she'd sell the tickets because she wouldn't go without me, and then just goes without me. That destroyed me. Maybe to other people it wouldn't seem like a big deal, but when you've spent months looking forward to something with the person you love, and they just switch up like that? It fucking kills you. I was so wrecked I called people I hadn't spoken to in months just to cry on the phone to them. I had zero options.
I honestly thought I was done with her after that. But now, two days ago, she's been begging me to come back into her life again. And while part of me wishes I could forget what happened, I just can't. Her birthday's coming up soon, and I'm even considering spending some time with her at the very least… but beyond that? I don't know how I'm supposed to handle something long-term when my heart is still torn up by what she did. If she hadn't fucked me up like that, I'd take her back without question. But right now… I don't know if I can. I am speaking to her a little bit though just cuz her birthday is approaching and it's hard to ignore a person ive known for this long. I'm not a heartless piece of shit like the other girl, after all
on top of all this i am addicted to 7oh (a kratom extract) and its killing me financially . the shit isn't cheap. I began abusing it to help with the internal pain. i'm really upset because a new shipment of it from UPS looks like it's not coming today (i fucking hate UPS). so looks like i'll have to spend another $35 at the corner market just to get me through another day. The holidays coming up soon to have been hard on my wallet
please, if anybody has any advice of what I should do in the situation, it's just so hard. I wish I could forget the past. Honest and truly, I wish I could just let go of things that hurt me the most. If I could do that I'd return to her, but the fact she did this to me is like a roadblock when I consider going back. Sure would be nice to have her love and support considering all the fucking unbearable hell ive been living
