my true love is death

[Decayed]

i have been in many romantic relationships however my suicidal thoughts never go away, i adored all of my partners and truly loved them with all my heart yet my relationship with suicide always is stronger, i just broke up with my boyfriend as i have plans to end things, however i miss him, i wish i could be close to him when i pass but i know that would be selfish of me, what im really wondering is why cant i feel love so strong that i want to live, am i defective? i see people talk about how they chose to stay for the sake of their loved ones and yet i love death more then i could ever love another person, i think im truly broken. my first true love broke up with me because he couldn't see a future where i don't kill myself. am i a selfish monster for not being able to love someone more than my own demise??

 

[58Alice85]

I dont think so, when 2 people love each other or there is potential you should be able to tell strongly. Unless you are ctb'ing specifically for the negative feelings it causes to others but nobody does that.

 

[MyShadow]

I've read your words and it sounds as though you've used relationships to hide from your situation or circumstances. Maybe, instead of focusing on dying (or another relationship), take time to sort out why you're suicidal.
I speak of this because I did the same thing for years. Instead of pursuing personal growth and sorting out my childhood trauma, I chased relationships. As a result, all of those relationships failed.
The hardest thing I've found was facing my past, my pain and my trauma. It never goes away but now I've made peace with it.

I hope you can find peace because you're worthy of love, but to truly love someone you must first love yourself.