inkmage333
please just free me and let me die
- Feb 18, 2025
- 113
So I experience psychosis. And with psychosis, I experience delusions. They're mostly persecutory and grandiose in nature, but on occasions they center around beliefs such as me being dead already and just merely piloting a dead body around. Ctb, in this context, would basically just end my consciousness and finally make me dead for good.
Anyways, my persecutory delusions have pretty much ruined a ton of the friendships I had. I genuinely believed that my (now ex-)friends were trying to turn my (now ex-)girlfriend against me, and because of that prevailing belief, I refused to apologize to them for saying something that ultimately hurt one of them. I was basically trapped in a headspace where everyone was out to get me. I still am, honestly, and now I do believe that if they weren't out to get me then, at least they are now for sure.
Not only that, but I sometimes still have intense paranoia over another group of ex-friends chasing me down. On the lookout for any trace of my existence, so that when they find me, they can put me back into psychological hell. One of them actually tried to get a mental health professional in my Discord DMs, had that person lie to me in order to get me "help" without my explicit permission. I think that singular action made my persecutory delusions worse.
(Though, at the same time, deep down I do hope that at least one of them stumbles upon my account and recognizes it's me to see just how much I've been suffering and take pity on me as a result...treat me kinder...my thoughts are a mess.)
None of this covers the occasional delusions I have that there's people outside my house, my door, even. I've moved back into my parents' room as a result but it's only a matter of time before they kick me out because I need to be more independent as I'll be moving out soon. I really do think everyone is out to get me at this point.
My grandiose delusions are also a bit of a problem. On occasion, I think of myself as a savior meant to save the poor souls in my life, and when I fail to play the "savior" properly (getting someone upset) my entire self-image crumbles, and I go into the persecutory delusions. I sometimes believe I'm better, more superior than most (objectively not true, but sometimes I find myself in that headspace). If any of my delusions are so much as questioned at the time, I'm flung deeper into a horrible headspace which ties into not only my persecutory delusions, but also my paranoia.
I think all my delusions, combined with everything I had experienced prior (and my other mental illnesses) have basically made it so my emotional and mental development was "arrested" when I was a teen-- arrested development, basically. I'm an adult now, but mentally and emotionally I'm still the same, emotionally immature teen I was before and it's all because I was ultimately never given the opportunity to grow up thanks to both my circumstances and every mental issue I have going on.
I don't remember my name. I don't think I have a name. Sure, there's the one I use legally, but I feel like that's just a cover name I use in favor of a true name I've never discovered. I can't even tell whether this is a part of my psychosis, or just another example of my overall disordered thinking.
Maybe I got some of these from my parents. My mom believes that a lot of the doctors and nurses are manipulating us as a family (in a recent trip to the hospital, she kept telling me the nurse was trying to manipulate me just because the nurse was going against her words). My dad genuinely thinks the government can track us based on the trash we throw away. Maybe that's where I got my paranoia and delusions from. Either way, it's all ruining my life.
Anyways, my persecutory delusions have pretty much ruined a ton of the friendships I had. I genuinely believed that my (now ex-)friends were trying to turn my (now ex-)girlfriend against me, and because of that prevailing belief, I refused to apologize to them for saying something that ultimately hurt one of them. I was basically trapped in a headspace where everyone was out to get me. I still am, honestly, and now I do believe that if they weren't out to get me then, at least they are now for sure.
Not only that, but I sometimes still have intense paranoia over another group of ex-friends chasing me down. On the lookout for any trace of my existence, so that when they find me, they can put me back into psychological hell. One of them actually tried to get a mental health professional in my Discord DMs, had that person lie to me in order to get me "help" without my explicit permission. I think that singular action made my persecutory delusions worse.
(Though, at the same time, deep down I do hope that at least one of them stumbles upon my account and recognizes it's me to see just how much I've been suffering and take pity on me as a result...treat me kinder...my thoughts are a mess.)
None of this covers the occasional delusions I have that there's people outside my house, my door, even. I've moved back into my parents' room as a result but it's only a matter of time before they kick me out because I need to be more independent as I'll be moving out soon. I really do think everyone is out to get me at this point.
My grandiose delusions are also a bit of a problem. On occasion, I think of myself as a savior meant to save the poor souls in my life, and when I fail to play the "savior" properly (getting someone upset) my entire self-image crumbles, and I go into the persecutory delusions. I sometimes believe I'm better, more superior than most (objectively not true, but sometimes I find myself in that headspace). If any of my delusions are so much as questioned at the time, I'm flung deeper into a horrible headspace which ties into not only my persecutory delusions, but also my paranoia.
I think all my delusions, combined with everything I had experienced prior (and my other mental illnesses) have basically made it so my emotional and mental development was "arrested" when I was a teen-- arrested development, basically. I'm an adult now, but mentally and emotionally I'm still the same, emotionally immature teen I was before and it's all because I was ultimately never given the opportunity to grow up thanks to both my circumstances and every mental issue I have going on.
I don't remember my name. I don't think I have a name. Sure, there's the one I use legally, but I feel like that's just a cover name I use in favor of a true name I've never discovered. I can't even tell whether this is a part of my psychosis, or just another example of my overall disordered thinking.
Maybe I got some of these from my parents. My mom believes that a lot of the doctors and nurses are manipulating us as a family (in a recent trip to the hospital, she kept telling me the nurse was trying to manipulate me just because the nurse was going against her words). My dad genuinely thinks the government can track us based on the trash we throw away. Maybe that's where I got my paranoia and delusions from. Either way, it's all ruining my life.
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