lawr
yearner
- Feb 21, 2025
- 35
All my life, I have only valued one thing, which is being in a relationship with the person I'm meant to be with. I suffer from what I strongly believe to be BPD, and as such I get incredibly obsessed with my partners. So, often times, I've deluded myself into ignoring their red flags and believing that the person I'm with is fit for lifelong partnership. The thing is, every single time this happens to me, I'm self-aware of it the entire time. I know what I'm doing. I see their red flags, I see all the incompatibilities, and yet I trudge forwards trying to keep things afloat because I am desperate to have somebody, to not be alone.
About 3 months ago, I befriended a very amazing girl. We were friends casually for about a month until one day where she confessed her feelings for me and I reciprocated. We began talking for a bit and as of now we've been dating for about a month and a half. This will read just like what I'd say about all but the most egregious partners I've had, but she is truly special. I get along with her in a way I haven't gotten along with anybody before, and I feel like I resonate with her personality on a deep level. This is the only time I've ever been with somebody who I don't have doubts about. I can't stress enough that this time is really different. She's shown me a happiness that I've never experienced before, and I've never been able to let so much of my real personality show with anybody else.
All of that being said, things with her are starting to go south. After a good month of being very close and affectionate, spending what was probably an unhealthy amount of time together, and being very happy with each other, her fascination for me seems to have been diminishing. Not in the way that a "honeymoon" phase typically flickers out. She never acts sweet or caring towards me anymore, and our dynamic has shifted from a partnership to something that more closely resembles friendship. She has told me that she doesn't like me any less, and that she still wants me to come see her (we are long distance). And she is absolutely not the type of person who would be dishonest about something like this. The lack of affection has just been driving me absolutely insane. It makes me feel like our relationship is on thin ice and that she doesn't care about me. It's something I absolutely cannot survive without. She does not understand the scope of how it affects me because I purposefully keep it hidden. I really don't want to let her know how crazy I really am. That things like me greeting her and using a pet name while she doesn't make me internally spiral out of control. That the little things anybody else would find trivial completely ruin my day, or even my week. I completely depend on her.
It's been about two weeks since things started heading in this direction. I've been internalizing it all the entire time. So much negative emotion built up that I just can't seem to share with her because I don't want to pressure her, make affection transactional or a responsibility for her, or worst-case scenario, find out that my level of craziness is unacceptable for her and she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me anymore because of it. I've made up my mind that tomorrow is the day I'll finally share my real feelings with her. If I don't tell her, our relationship will inevitably get worse until it reaches a fever pitch. If I do, that might cause things to end as well, but at least there's a possibility that she'll be understanding and she'll take my feelings into consideration, or maybe even give me the reassurance that I desperately need. At the very least, it'll feel good to get it all off my chest, even if I don't get the reaction I'm hoping for.
I am the way that I am. I need the things that I need. I do a great deal of self-work in order to prevent the irrational sides of me from being a problem for others. But I can't deal with it all alone. No matter what I do there's always this disconnect between what I logically know to be true and the way I feel. A little reassurance goes a long way in this regard, but she has been so distant lately that asking for it, which is the only way I'd ever receive it at this point, feels impossible.
At the end of the day, if someone isn't willing to compromise with me or at least behave in a way that shows cognizance of my struggles, like I would do for them, then it isn't meant to be. I just want to be good enough for her and make her happy. In our current situation that is simply an impossibility and that is reason enough for me to try and incite change.
I'll need all the luck I can get here because if things really fall through, I'm surely done. And this what I hate so much about the way I am. Things affect me so much because the only thing that makes life worth living for me is partnership. So, every threat to my relationship feels like a threat to my very existence. It's a long shot that she'd be willing to accommodate somebody like me.
About 3 months ago, I befriended a very amazing girl. We were friends casually for about a month until one day where she confessed her feelings for me and I reciprocated. We began talking for a bit and as of now we've been dating for about a month and a half. This will read just like what I'd say about all but the most egregious partners I've had, but she is truly special. I get along with her in a way I haven't gotten along with anybody before, and I feel like I resonate with her personality on a deep level. This is the only time I've ever been with somebody who I don't have doubts about. I can't stress enough that this time is really different. She's shown me a happiness that I've never experienced before, and I've never been able to let so much of my real personality show with anybody else.
All of that being said, things with her are starting to go south. After a good month of being very close and affectionate, spending what was probably an unhealthy amount of time together, and being very happy with each other, her fascination for me seems to have been diminishing. Not in the way that a "honeymoon" phase typically flickers out. She never acts sweet or caring towards me anymore, and our dynamic has shifted from a partnership to something that more closely resembles friendship. She has told me that she doesn't like me any less, and that she still wants me to come see her (we are long distance). And she is absolutely not the type of person who would be dishonest about something like this. The lack of affection has just been driving me absolutely insane. It makes me feel like our relationship is on thin ice and that she doesn't care about me. It's something I absolutely cannot survive without. She does not understand the scope of how it affects me because I purposefully keep it hidden. I really don't want to let her know how crazy I really am. That things like me greeting her and using a pet name while she doesn't make me internally spiral out of control. That the little things anybody else would find trivial completely ruin my day, or even my week. I completely depend on her.
It's been about two weeks since things started heading in this direction. I've been internalizing it all the entire time. So much negative emotion built up that I just can't seem to share with her because I don't want to pressure her, make affection transactional or a responsibility for her, or worst-case scenario, find out that my level of craziness is unacceptable for her and she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me anymore because of it. I've made up my mind that tomorrow is the day I'll finally share my real feelings with her. If I don't tell her, our relationship will inevitably get worse until it reaches a fever pitch. If I do, that might cause things to end as well, but at least there's a possibility that she'll be understanding and she'll take my feelings into consideration, or maybe even give me the reassurance that I desperately need. At the very least, it'll feel good to get it all off my chest, even if I don't get the reaction I'm hoping for.
I am the way that I am. I need the things that I need. I do a great deal of self-work in order to prevent the irrational sides of me from being a problem for others. But I can't deal with it all alone. No matter what I do there's always this disconnect between what I logically know to be true and the way I feel. A little reassurance goes a long way in this regard, but she has been so distant lately that asking for it, which is the only way I'd ever receive it at this point, feels impossible.
At the end of the day, if someone isn't willing to compromise with me or at least behave in a way that shows cognizance of my struggles, like I would do for them, then it isn't meant to be. I just want to be good enough for her and make her happy. In our current situation that is simply an impossibility and that is reason enough for me to try and incite change.
I'll need all the luck I can get here because if things really fall through, I'm surely done. And this what I hate so much about the way I am. Things affect me so much because the only thing that makes life worth living for me is partnership. So, every threat to my relationship feels like a threat to my very existence. It's a long shot that she'd be willing to accommodate somebody like me.
