Venting My Friend CTB Yesterday

[beetle]

She jumped yesterday morning (sometime during sunrise) at her girlfriend's apartment. She was 22. Said she made up her mind over a month ago.

It feels especially weird in the perspective of someone that is suicidal/depressed. I can recognize how much she was struggling, and I hope she's at peace and finally in a comfortable place. She was trans, and her parents were vile in the way they've treated her about it. Even now they misgender her. She wrote in her letter how she would die a boy and it was the most gut-wrenching part of it honestly. There were other issues in her life, but not having that parental support and them vilifying her transition like that really broke her.

I talked about CTB with her (and other mental health things), but I never anticipated she would actually commit to something like this. Hell, two weeks ago she asked me about antidepressants and her considering switching medication. I was telling her about trying counselling/therapy and trying to get her to connect with services at her university. I thought she was trying her best to push through. It hurts like hell knowing she had a whole life ahead of her; one that everyone thought she would be a part of. She was going to be one of my friend's bridesmaids and I always figured she'd be one at mine as well. We've both always been pro-recovery and I really thought the both of us had the opportunity to grow and become happier people. It fucking sucks knowing she'll never reach to the potential she would have reached if she stayed. But I can't expect her to suffer; she made her decision and all I can do is give her a peaceful send-off.

I've spent yesterday and today with my partner and our friends. It's hard. Not sure if I've fully grasped the reality of it yet. Grief really does come in waves. Sounds so fucking cliche but it's true. We all shared photos/videos we had together/of her and her younger sister (still in high school btw, I can only imagine) is setting up a slideshow. Not sure when the funeral will be. We are trying our best to celebrate her life as much as possible and gather as many memories of her as we can.

It's typical to say you wish you could have done more and it's something I wonder too. We didn't talk as much about mental health in the last few months, and when we did it was typically very unserious. I wish I could have been more open to her and she felt comfortable enough to open up to me about her struggles. I wish I was a better friend and gave her more support and time, or watched more of the TV shows she liked or played more games together. At the same time I wonder if it matters and if what I did would have made a difference at all. I know there's no point in worrying about this kind of shit but I just wish I could have been more of a support for her and at least have not made her feel so alone. I fucking hate that I've been a bad friend to her.

But yeah, it's really hard. I remember standing on my partner's balcony at 3AM 2 years ago going to do it. Everything feels so fucking heavy with all those thoughts. And the fact that she was scared of heights makes it even worse. I hope she wasn't scared.


I don't really know what I've been feeling or how to to talk about any of this. I've written and deleted and moved around a lot of sentences. I hope this isn't an incoherent mess. But I wanted to at least talk about it a little bit into the kind-of void in a community that doesn't feel uncomfortable talking about suicide.

I hope if you're reading this that you know there is someone out there who really cares about you and wants you to keep fighting. If you say no one does, I care. CTB does not have to be the only solution. You can get better and you have nothing but a beautiful life ahead of you. Please keep doing your best and don't be afraid to get help if you're struggling with anything.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss. Even though we are like this, losing people still hurts.
Secondly, yes grief is really hard. As much as you can, be gentle with yourself and try not to avoid it. Grief demands to be felt and there's no escaping it. Cry if you need to, mourn if you need to.

 

[ungodly]

i am so sorry for your loss man

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

The idea of "dying a girl" is one of the reasons I'm afraid to CTB as a trans man. The fact that she did that, despite everything... she must have been really suffering.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not usually one to thank people for the bare minimum, but. Thank you for remembering her fondly as who she is, not what he fucked up parents thought she was. May she rest in peace.

And I hope you're able to cope with the grief. No use in worrying about "what ifs." You were her friend. She probably appreciated that a lot.

 

[whywere]

My heart and soul breaks for you and so VERY sorry for your loss, made me cry reading this.

You are family here and I share in your loss and huge hugs to you my good friend.

Walter

 

[orpheus_]

I'm so sorry for your loss, losing a friend to CTB while thinking about it yourself must be absolutely terrible. I'm glad she had you and other friends around, you most likely still gave her something good in this life, even casual talks or joking around about problems can help sometimes... And the fact that there are people who will remember her as a woman, regardless of everything. For me as also a trans person that would matter a lot.
In the end remember it's not your fault, you're just human but it's understandable that the situation is hard and grief is something one just has to go through. I hope you will be able to hold onto life and recovery despite this

 

[webb&flow]

You made her own life one with more love and peace in it; I know it's hell for you right now, but, you have done so much for her as a friend, and you really did make a massive difference in her life. I just... I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe she was able to experience so much more love and goodness than she would have, because of your love and company in her life. You really have done her a great favour by just being her friend. I know you wish she was still with us here right now; in better health. I wish for that too.

I really hope all the good she has given you will continue to forever blossom in life, in all the lives of all she knew.

Finis vitae sed non amoris.
The end of life, but not of love.

Your life matters. Her life matters. She might not be around physically anymore but all the ripples her stone has cast into the pond will continue to echo forever in many things. I hope those waves will be a beautiful song, in your own years, as well.

You are one of the only people to have experienced her beautiful and meaningful life. I hope all the beauty she has given you will continue to shine light on your life, over the emptiness, along with the pain; I hope her beautiful vitality will continue to live with you, in your own current experience.

Anyways. I could wax a ton of poetics about life and death and such, but let's be real, this fucking sucks.

…

At least the wound of grief will burn less, as time goes on; even though the reverence and graveness of it continues to emanate in the space of one's life. I have found that after a year the grief is less sharp, even if the love and personal effect is still consequential.

…

I wish I could write something better to you.

She is more than her death, more than the pain she felt. I hope everything outside of the pain, that that too, colours your life, with vibrance and hope and love, and all colours of vitality· as well; even alongside the shades of death that are so sombre.

Your love mattered to her. Thank you for making someone's life more beloved and more peaceful; you really have done a beautiful thing for her by making her life so much better. Even if that life was shorter than we wished for; it was still made much more beloved and joyful, thanks to you and your sincere intense efforts.

Your love has not been wasted.

My solemnest regards for all that is to come.

You need -1 more posts to view this content

 

[fadedghost]

She jumped yesterday morning (sometime during sunrise) at her girlfriend's apartment. She was 22. Said she made up her mind over a month ago.

It feels especially weird in the perspective of someone that is suicidal/depressed. I can recognize how much she was struggling, and I hope she's at peace and finally in a comfortable place. She was trans, and her parents were vile in the way they've treated her about it. Even now they misgender her. She wrote in her letter how she would die a boy and it was the most gut-wrenching part of it honestly. There were other issues in her life, but not having that parental support and them vilifying her transition like that really broke her.

I talked about CTB with her (and other mental health things), but I never anticipated she would actually commit to something like this. Hell, two weeks ago she asked me about antidepressants and her considering switching medication. I was telling her about trying counselling/therapy and trying to get her to connect with services at her university. I thought she was trying her best to push through. It hurts like hell knowing she had a whole life ahead of her; one that everyone thought she would be a part of. She was going to be one of my friend's bridesmaids and I always figured she'd be one at mine as well. We've both always been pro-recovery and I really thought the both of us had the opportunity to grow and become happier people. It fucking sucks knowing she'll never reach to the potential she would have reached if she stayed. But I can't expect her to suffer; she made her decision and all I can do is give her a peaceful send-off.

I've spent yesterday and today with my partner and our friends. It's hard. Not sure if I've fully grasped the reality of it yet. Grief really does come in waves. Sounds so fucking cliche but it's true. We all shared photos/videos we had together/of her and her younger sister (still in high school btw, I can only imagine) is setting up a slideshow. Not sure when the funeral will be. We are trying our best to celebrate her life as much as possible and gather as many memories of her as we can.

It's typical to say you wish you could have done more and it's something I wonder too. We didn't talk as much about mental health in the last few months, and when we did it was typically very unserious. I wish I could have been more open to her and she felt comfortable enough to open up to me about her struggles. I wish I was a better friend and gave her more support and time, or watched more of the TV shows she liked or played more games together. At the same time I wonder if it matters and if what I did would have made a difference at all. I know there's no point in worrying about this kind of shit but I just wish I could have been more of a support for her and at least have not made her feel so alone. I fucking hate that I've been a bad friend to her.

But yeah, it's really hard. I remember standing on my partner's balcony at 3AM 2 years ago going to do it. Everything feels so fucking heavy with all those thoughts. And the fact that she was scared of heights makes it even worse. I hope she wasn't scared.


I don't really know what I've been feeling or how to to talk about any of this. I've written and deleted and moved around a lot of sentences. I hope this isn't an incoherent mess. But I wanted to at least talk about it a little bit into the kind-of void in a community that doesn't feel uncomfortable talking about suicide.

I hope if you're reading this that you know there is someone out there who really cares about you and wants you to keep fighting. If you say no one does, I care. CTB does not have to be the only solution. You can get better and you have nothing but a beautiful life ahead of you. Please keep doing your best and don't be afraid to get help if you're struggling with anything.

i hate religion

did she say she made up her mind in a suicide note?

how close were you two?

i lost my best friend about 1.5 years ago

 

[fuzzypeach]

i am so sorry. i am her age and i just feel like i could have been her