Venting misery

[fragmentary]

today was officially our last day of high school. had a bad breakdown. i'm graduating, but still have zero ambition in life. i'm not very grounded to reality and at this point any sort of life accomplishments or wants seem so far away. it's really pathetic compared to my peers who are happy and successful for their age.

lately i've just been lying in bed, wondering why i'm such an unhappy, self destructive person. my fear of vulnerability is so bad i won't talk about my feelings or let anyone near me. i'm in this cycle of misery, where eventually i'll reach a peak, but it's all useless in the long term because i still feel like shit. it's almost masochistic, the way i purposefully hurt myself for no reason. i want to love and be loved (feeling like i actually deserve it) but it's almost impossible – for once i fucked up so bad with the guy i like by never even having the courage to tell him, and can't get over it. i'm selfish, but even more than that i'm a coward, the worst thing a person can be.

i wonder if it's possible at all to live a happy life or to just give in to the relief of destruction and... idk, i already contemplate suicide at least once per month. the only thing keeping me going at this point is that i still have a long list of books to read...