Me and my ex are talking, advice?

[TheLastGreySky]

So, previously my ex fiancee came back into my life via email and then left a week or two later. She's said that she still doesn't trust me.

Any advice on what to say or how to act?
I really don't want to screw this up because I believe in my heart to be the love of my life.
She's tired of being hurt, and in the past I hurt her because I was a little younger, she was technically my rebound relationship right after my ex wife left me and at the time I hadn't fully outgrown my toxic traits. I talked to other women and I owned up to that. I haven't stopped thinking about her since I last saw her in December 2021. (Went to prison and got out December 2022.)

I don't think I've ever said this before but... Please Help. I need all the support I can get, because I have legitimately changed.
And I'm finding it really hard to believe that she doesn't care about me when we send looking messages to each other several times a day.

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

well that's hard to advise on from afar. if she contacts you, she probably does still care about you.

If she's willing to give you another chance it's going to come down to this one question: will she be able to trust you again? that depends on a lot of factors only you and her know: what exactly did you do to her when you were together (cheating or just talking to other women)? were you caught or did you come forward? did you try to lie about it? how convincing are you when you promise to be a changed man? (and have you promised that before?) have you lied in the past? is building trust something that's easy or hard for her?

concerning how you should be acting to convince her to give you another chance: i'd advise you to do the obvious: tell her how much you regret your actions. tell her you will never do it again (it is paramount that you actually mean in, otherwise you're a huge asshole). explain how you've changed. if you're not too proud to do it prostrate yourself in front of her (figuratively or literally, if you're inclined) to prove to her how much it means to you. don't try to play it cool. don't play power games.

but hey. maybe your relationship dynamics are very different from how i imagine them and my tips are horseshit.

another thing you should maybe ask yourself, is if you actually mean it. right now you're lonely and sad, of course you want her back. but if you get back together and you take being in a relationship for granted again, will you really resist the temptation of other woman this time around?

i hope things turn out well for you.

 

[SexyIncél]

So, previously my ex fiancee came back into my life via email and then left a week or two later. She's said that she still doesn't trust me.

Any advice on what to say or how to act?

Hoo boy. Ok, as a guess — I haven't read your texts or anything — she's testing you. She wants to know you've got your shit together & know what you want

That phrase "know what you want" needs explanation. It means that you want her — and if she gives you the opportunity, you'll do what it takes to secure her & help give her a happy life. A sense of priorities

It doesn't mean you'll waste away without her. She has some reasonable amount of time to watch you, and decide whether to open the door for another opportunity. That time has to be limited — you don't want years to pass or something

I'd say... for maximizing your chances, Orion Taraban gives good gentle advice. About integrity & so on — stuff she'll look for. I think it's not about what to say or how to act, but maintaining a solid frame she can depend on. Built around who you really are, your true self

Now, it's also important to ask whether she did bad stuff too. Did she play those jealousy games, pushing you to seek comfort with other women? Maybe it helps to honestly list her virtues & vices

And it's important to ask: do you want variety in women? Maybe not for love, but erotic variety? This needs to be understood, before you ignore an internal impulse that sabotages things. You can definitely work with it, as long as you understand it

 

[TheLastGreySky]

well that's hard to advise on from afar. if she contacts you, she probably does still care about you.

If she's willing to give you another chance it's going to come down to this one question: will she be able to trust you again? that depends on a lot of factors only you and her know: what exactly did you do to her when you were together (cheating or just talking to other women)? were you caught or did you come forward? did you try to lie about it? how convincing are you when you promise to be a changed man? (and have you promised that before?) have you lied in the past? is building trust something that's easy or hard for her?

concerning how you should be acting to convince her to give you another chance: i'd advise you to do the obvious: tell her how much you regret your actions. tell her you will never do it again (it is paramount that you actually mean in, otherwise you're a huge asshole). explain how you've changed. if you're not too proud to do it prostrate yourself in front of her (figuratively or literally, if you're inclined) to prove to her how much it means to you. don't try to play it cool. don't play power games.

but hey. maybe your relationship dynamics are very different from how i imagine them and my tips are horseshit.

another thing you should maybe ask yourself, is if you actually mean it. right now you're lonely and sad, of course you want her back. but if you get back together and you take being in a relationship for granted again, will you really resist the temptation of other woman this time around?

i hope things turn out well for you.

I mean it, when we met I was still hurting from my ex wife. I fully mean it. She keeps shooting me down but we keep talking so I don't know what to say that means. And it was just talking nothing actual cheating but we got into a huge fight and I was emotionally abusive (which I had never done before to her) because she was cheating while I was in incarcerated and I hit her with a door on accident last I saw her and she still isn't convinced that it was an accident.

I absolutely mean it.
I actually was planning to CTB over my actions when I was with her last.

Hoo boy. Ok, as a guess — I haven't read your texts or anything — she's testing you. She wants to know you've got your shit together & know what you want

That phrase "know what you want" needs explanation. It means that you want her — and if she gives you the opportunity, you'll do what it takes to secure her & help give her a happy life. A sense of priorities

It doesn't mean you'll waste away without her. She has some reasonable amount of time to watch you, and decide whether to open the door for another opportunity. That time has to be limited — you don't want years to pass or something

I'd say... for maximizing your chances, Orion Taraban gives good gentle advice. About integrity & so on — stuff she'll look for. I think it's not about what to say or how to act, but maintaining a solid frame she can depend on. Built around who you really are, your true self

Now, it's also important to ask whether she did bad stuff too. Did she play those jealousy games, pushing you to seek comfort with other women? Maybe it helps to honestly list her virtues & vices

And it's important to ask: do you want variety in women? Maybe not for love, but erotic variety? This needs to be understood, before you ignore an internal impulse that sabotages things. You can definitely work with it, as long as you understand it

Believe it or not, I only want her physically and I am coping by sleeping with several women. But, she was the only one who ever fulfilled me sexually.

I appreciate the advice and I will message (or look up) Orion Taraban. We were flirting a couple weeks ago and then she blocked me and said she didn't want to be with me, but we were talking again today. I don't know how to keep the ball rolling.
Because I actively mean it when I say I've stepped up for her.

Hoo boy. Ok, as a guess — I haven't read your texts or anything — she's testing you. She wants to know you've got your shit together & know what you want

That phrase "know what you want" needs explanation. It means that you want her — and if she gives you the opportunity, you'll do what it takes to secure her & help give her a happy life. A sense of priorities

It doesn't mean you'll waste away without her. She has some reasonable amount of time to watch you, and decide whether to open the door for another opportunity. That time has to be limited — you don't want years to pass or something

I'd say... for maximizing your chances, Orion Taraban gives good gentle advice. About integrity & so on — stuff she'll look for. I think it's not about what to say or how to act, but maintaining a solid frame she can depend on. Built around who you really are, your true self

Now, it's also important to ask whether she did bad stuff too. Did she play those jealousy games, pushing you to seek comfort with other women? Maybe it helps to honestly list her virtues & vices

And it's important to ask: do you want variety in women? Maybe not for love, but erotic variety? This needs to be understood, before you ignore an internal impulse that sabotages things. You can definitely work with it, as long as you understand it

Believe it or not, I only want her physically and I am coping by sleeping with several women. But, she was the only one who ever fulfilled me sexually.

I appreciate the advice and I will message (or look up) Orion Taraban. We were flirting a couple weeks ago and then she blocked me and said she didn't want to be with me, but we were talking again today. I don't know how to keep the ball rolling.
Because I actively mean it when I say I've stepped up for her.

Hoo boy. Ok, as a guess — I haven't read your texts or anything — she's testing you. She wants to know you've got your shit together & know what you want

That phrase "know what you want" needs explanation. It means that you want her — and if she gives you the opportunity, you'll do what it takes to secure her & help give her a happy life. A sense of priorities

It doesn't mean you'll waste away without her. She has some reasonable amount of time to watch you, and decide whether to open the door for another opportunity. That time has to be limited — you don't want years to pass or something

I'd say... for maximizing your chances, Orion Taraban gives good gentle advice. About integrity & so on — stuff she'll look for. I think it's not about what to say or how to act, but maintaining a solid frame she can depend on. Built around who you really are, your true self

Now, it's also important to ask whether she did bad stuff too. Did she play those jealousy games, pushing you to seek comfort with other women? Maybe it helps to honestly list her virtues & vices

And it's important to ask: do you want variety in women? Maybe not for love, but erotic variety? This needs to be understood, before you ignore an internal impulse that sabotages things. You can definitely work with it, as long as you understand it

Do you think it would be smart for me to offer to just be friends at first?

 

[SexyIncél]

Do you think it would be smart for me to offer to just be friends at first?

Oooh, this is a bit above my pay grade. Without knowing her, my instincts cautiously say no... the friend zone is no good. She might be insulted at a demotion ("You just wanna be FRIENDS!?") — or worse yet, get used to seeing you as a mere friend

Maybe if you first started as friends, this might work as a "reset" or undo button. But my gut doesn't feel good. Maybe "friends-plus" could work — a fun veiled mysterious courtship, where there's a real understanding that you both take this seriously. But I dunno

And it was just talking nothing actual cheating but we got into a huge fight and I was emotionally abusive (which I had never done before to her) because she was cheating while I was in incarcerated and I hit her with a door on accident last I saw her and she still isn't convinced that it was an accident.

[...]

Believe it or not, I only want her physically and I am coping by sleeping with several women. But, she was the only one who ever fulfilled me sexually.

Well, she did cheat when you were in chains, so I can fully understand you being angry. This is Messy Town

I'm curious if she cheated before or after she discovered you talked with other girls

In any case, I'm glad you have other gals. If things go badly with her, you could likely find another who could fulfill you too! Cuts down on the desperation, so you can decide calmly, making fewer emotional mistakes with her

 

[TheLastGreySky]

She didn't cheat when we were living together. I was on the run and I was staying at her house.
Her parents turned me In.