Story Making Fiction Reality

[MonochromeMind]

It's me again. I'm caring less and less about what I admit, the closer I get to the end.

I once wrote about a character named Ruby. I eventually came to believe that she was a voice in my head. As I wrote about her, the voice took on the personality and mannerisms of her. It felt like I was creating a personality in my head.

I then went on to somewhat harness this. I let this voice "take over" and do things. I took on the personality, but I was aware it was happening, and watching it. At first, I kind of let it happen, without really being able to control it entirely.

Now, though, it's come to the point where I can just make myself act any way I want, feel incredibly intense emotions, think certain thoughts, then I can just say "that's enough" and have it all immediately vanish.

I don't know what's real anymore. I get lost in these characters, thoughts, emotions, and I don't know what I am, who I am, or anything. I also don't really care, because I still wanna die no matter what.

Sometimes I think I'm a psychopath. Idk. I'm tired of thinking lol. I'm just so fucking numb. I think so much. I wanna bash my head in sometimes so I think less.

I remember the pain from when I cut myself last time. It stung so bad. I've only cut myself once, and I haven't had any interest in doing it ever again until recently. I've been tracing my wrist with my hand at work, back and forth. I think I'm secretly loving how much I'm losing myself. Like I'm putting on a show for myself, like I've been living it, and this is finally the climax. The spectacle. Like I'm dramatizing this whole thing, like I want to show that I'm going further than I ever have.

My highs are so high and my lows are so low. I've dug this hole so deep and I don't even know if I care. I just know I'm falling so fucking far, and I can't believe how it feels when you're this close to the bottom.

 

[TwoSoulsLiveInMe]

I think I'm secretly loving how much I'm losing myself. Like I'm putting on a show for myself, like I've been living it, and this is finally the climax. The spectacle. Like I'm dramatizing this whole thing, like I want to show that I'm going further than I ever have.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, the catharsis that comes with giving in to suicidality and depression. SH is a very satisfying, (in many senses of the word) way to externalize that journey, I understand your feelings about its theatricality.

I get lost in these characters, thoughts, emotions, and I don't know what I am, who I am, or anything. I also don't really care, because I still wanna die no matter what.

I'm sorry you've been brought to this point. Life just sucks, sometimes people are able to find a way to keep living, but sometimes no matter how much we do to save ourselves from the pain, it soaks through. I hope you find some relief, however it comes along.

 

[liquid jen]

I let this voice "take over" and do things. I took on the personality, but I was aware it was happening, and watching it. At first, I kind of let it happen, without really being able to control it entirely.

Sounds like you might've maybe created a tulpa. Whether or not you choose to interpret it as a literal separate presence or a split part of your brain is up to you, but I believe there are ways to get rid of them if you are interested.

I think I'm secretly loving how much I'm losing myself. Like I'm putting on a show for myself, like I've been living it, and this is finally the climax. The spectacle. Like I'm dramatizing this whole thing, like I want to show that I'm going further than I ever have.

God this hit. It's weird how we can turn our suffering into some kind of twisted grandiose image in our heads. I guess the stronger it is the more real it all feels. The worse we suffer the more reasonable we are in our choice?