Venting Maintaining a fake life

[anonperdidisimo]

It's been roughly 2 years since I've started to seriously think about ctb. However I kept going because I lived with my mother and there's no way I could hurt her like that. Last year I moved far away from her so I could do college and my mental state has considerably fell apart ever since then. I'm still doing college despite my last semester being terrible. There's also the chance of me getting a job. However I have no real interest in any of these since I know my life won't get any better. So for these last few months I've been heavily debating on what to do. I really want to ctb (Haven't found any good methods yet) but at the same time I don't wanna hurt my mom nor my friends and the only way of doing that is to keep going as if I had no problems in life. Finding anything to keep me "distracted" in the meantime has been very difficult and I'm lost on what to do.

 

[Sleeper System]

Welcome to the club of despair. We meet every Monday because it's the worst day of the week. Bring your own cups. We provide the depression to full them.

This has been my life for the past 11 years.
The only thing I can say is getting a job will help.
Earning money and indulging in life's distractions is
the only way to even attempt to try getting by.
Something that has a pay out will force you to keep moving and have a goal. Only a job can do this. The gym is for health. Hobbies rarely yield anything. A job is the key.
Sad but true. Ask any adult.

You have to treat it like a game at first. You have to aim to check all the adult boxes. Get a car. Establish credit. Get an apartment. Get a pet. Meet a girl. Learn how to change oil or a tire. Adult shit.

Disclaimer. You will one day reach a point where you get all those things down and then you may be in my situation. Where the jump to the next level is a bigger hurdle than anything previous and in that moment.... you get your senior rank in the despair club.