Venting Love.

[cylus46]

I want to be in love. But I know I'm just not able to. I think im getting diagnosed with bpd or cptsd soon (my therapist hinted at it) and my life is a mess. I have no ambitions, no goals, I'm just a lonely self deprecating loser who only form of self care is going to the gym and building muscle but only because I fucking hate my body.

All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I matter to them, that they won't leave me because of who I am, that they accept me, that I'm their everything. I just want a special someone to care about me in a special way. I want it more then I want to better myself. More then I want to improve my mental health and physical health.

And the worst part is? I can get it, I been hit on so many times, I got a good body, an ok face, long messy but well taken care of hair, I make sure I do a good skin care routine and I smell good. And yet I know I'll be terrible for whatever women is unfortunate enough to fall in love with a guy like me. I don't deserve love but I want it. But how can I fall in love with someone and make them have to deal with my pathetic existence. They don't deserve that, they deserve to flourish, them and their beautiful souls

And I deserve to die.