SoulWhisperer
Nothing Like The Looks Ā« ā¤ļøāš©¹ Ā»
- Nov 13, 2023
- 578
My life is still, complete and utter shit and I don't know if I'll be able to survive through the abuse up until June, in the hopes I'll be able to graduate and not be tied to this city anymore (So I'll be able to attempt to "demolish" my family with police and social services and pray it will succeed so I won't have to likely CTB). However, out of the minimal time I get where I am not actively suicidal or wanna harm myself, the very limited time I have the vital energy to attempt to "distract" myself from this hell (Distracting oneself is almost impossible here and feels like a synonym of being too coward to react, but that's another story)ā¦ I recently tried 2 things to not have a complete mental breakdown and do something stupid (aka: attempt that has no success rate).
I decided it would be an acceptable idea to: read to escape reality, and write to reinvent it.
Would that make sense? I think it would make a little sense. Reading books so I can see the struggles of others, not mine, and feel empathy towards them, see how they handle problems, both books with happy and sad endings. I think reading is the non-brain-destroying form of doom-scrolling content (I loved "No Longer Human" and "Girl in Pieces", to name some, and I flooded my room with classics from 1800/1900 all across the world).
Then I write stories and poems to express what I can't express and use it as a form of "art", because as many poets/writers thought in my country 125 years ago, literature CAN BE and IS art. Art isn't just a sculpture, a drawing or a painting. I write whatever comes to mind and people seem to love what I write.
I wish I could evolve my language skills in English (More vocab, better style, etc), I wrote so much I managed to create a sense of "self". When I write something, it's clear it's got my digital footprint in it, my "style". That was born from around 2-3 years or so of experimenting. I wish I could become a writer or a poet, but I had wished to be almost anything in life by now and I know I likely won't be able to achieve any of those dreams. But I wouldn't mind be able to write a book, even a silly book, before dying. Even if it'll never be published (Hell, I'd even publish my 30 poems in a collection if able). I know anyone is ready to tell me it is possible, that I need to try and allat, that I need to take "small steps" and whatnot. Don't worry: I've heard all those advices countless times already, and I have taken into account all I could've, I'm not here to listen to more of it, I'm here simply to vent today. As I am almost certain I will have to resort to CTB a day, and since I couldn't achieve shit in life due to infinite factors. I at least want to leave behind a trail of artistic work that will live on. Even if nobody but the 4-5 people that read them online will remember them.
I wasn't made to achieve greatness in life, but deep down, I wish to at least leave a mark. Even if that mark would be as meaningful as a smudge of blood against a wall as I get dragged down into death, screaming.
I decided it would be an acceptable idea to: read to escape reality, and write to reinvent it.
Would that make sense? I think it would make a little sense. Reading books so I can see the struggles of others, not mine, and feel empathy towards them, see how they handle problems, both books with happy and sad endings. I think reading is the non-brain-destroying form of doom-scrolling content (I loved "No Longer Human" and "Girl in Pieces", to name some, and I flooded my room with classics from 1800/1900 all across the world).
Then I write stories and poems to express what I can't express and use it as a form of "art", because as many poets/writers thought in my country 125 years ago, literature CAN BE and IS art. Art isn't just a sculpture, a drawing or a painting. I write whatever comes to mind and people seem to love what I write.
I wish I could evolve my language skills in English (More vocab, better style, etc), I wrote so much I managed to create a sense of "self". When I write something, it's clear it's got my digital footprint in it, my "style". That was born from around 2-3 years or so of experimenting. I wish I could become a writer or a poet, but I had wished to be almost anything in life by now and I know I likely won't be able to achieve any of those dreams. But I wouldn't mind be able to write a book, even a silly book, before dying. Even if it'll never be published (Hell, I'd even publish my 30 poems in a collection if able). I know anyone is ready to tell me it is possible, that I need to try and allat, that I need to take "small steps" and whatnot. Don't worry: I've heard all those advices countless times already, and I have taken into account all I could've, I'm not here to listen to more of it, I'm here simply to vent today. As I am almost certain I will have to resort to CTB a day, and since I couldn't achieve shit in life due to infinite factors. I at least want to leave behind a trail of artistic work that will live on. Even if nobody but the 4-5 people that read them online will remember them.
I wasn't made to achieve greatness in life, but deep down, I wish to at least leave a mark. Even if that mark would be as meaningful as a smudge of blood against a wall as I get dragged down into death, screaming.
