Venting limbo

[dw33ter]

I feel like I've been in limbo for the past 7 years of my life.

I've finally reached the point where I've isolated myself to the point where there's only 3 people who would invite me out as friends. I feel like if I give it another year they might stop and I'll be truly alone. Which I suppose is what I wanted in the first place, to be able to get to the point of isolation where my demise only affects a small number of people. At the moment it's just them, my place of employment and my family (entities I can't do anything about).

But I'm just too much of a coward to do it. I've tried, but SI is too strong and I couldn't jump. From the theological brainwashing, it's hard to justify that eternal torture and suffering is better than the fresh hell I'm in.

I guess I just feel stuck. I don't see a way out, and I dread to think of how many years I might have left.

 

[Lycoris]

For what its worth, I dont think any loving or fair god would punish people like us for just trying to make the pain stop. If they did then I wouldnt even want to go to whatever "heaven" that god created for the "good" ones.

 

[dw33ter]

Thank you for the kind words

 

[Jadeith]

I've finally reached the point where I've isolated myself to the point where there's only 3 people who would invite me out as friends.

I was able to lower that number to zero. Some people might invite my partner and me to tag along but never me directly.

But I'm just too much of a coward

No. You are not. Your body tells you that you are not ready yet. Remember - it's always a choice, based on what you might gain or lose. For now, you calculated that risk of eternal torment, reinforced by religious conditioning is greater than chance of being free from current situation. And that's ok. No judgement here. This might change in the future one way or another. Maybe something will happen that will improve your situation and restore your will to live or maybe it will make you say "fuck it, eternity in boiling cauldron with pitchfork up my ass is far better prospect than this" and you'll do it. Point is, do not shame yourself because of your decision. It's yours to make and yours alone.

 

[dw33ter]

Thank you for your words of affirmation, they've been increasingly difficult to come by, and I truly appreciate it.

I don't think what I'm feeling is shame, it's more of frustration with myself (since I'm the one mostly responsible for my position). Relief seems so attainable if only I had a bit more courage or gumption to ctb.